January 23, 2009

Review: Wes Craven Presents: They (2002)

I know this review seems pretty harsh, but the movie was just plain bad... 

They is about a bunch of College kids that still have night terrors and wet the bed, despite not being 12-years-old anymore. That's really it in a nutshell. The leader of the bed-pissers is a scrawny little blond chick with a boy's haircut... and she keeps having "scary" dreams...and how did this movie even happen?

"Stop looking like a boy, alright?!? God!"
At night, the Gollum-Creatures come. We never truly find out what they are, and they don't do much other than look like Gollum when they show up, but every night, there they are again. I kept falling asleep off and on, so I'm not really sure what happened, but I think it involved a Balloon Guy and some sort of "ultimate sacrifice."

Anywho, that's about it. Yeah.

Give it up to Balloon Guy if you want to live.
I guess it's always good to see Ethan Embry on screen, and he was about the only thing good in this movie... Yep, that's basically it. Ok, and Dagmara Dominczyk is always nice to look at too, so bonus! Really, this movie was pretty stagnant, and I don't have much good to say about it at all.

This movie was a waste of Ethan Embry's talent.
Our very own Teryn actually watched this movie pretty intently for a while; then again, she's a baby (only 3 months), and she poops herself at random intervals, so can we really trust her judgment?

I guess I'm saying that this movie made her go poopie.

When nothing happens in a movie, it makes me wonder why it was even made. They has to be one of the slowest, most uneventful Horror films I've ever seen. Honestly, what was the point? From what I understand, the original script got butchered, and was drastically changed by the time they shot the movie, but I don't care... What we got was a snooze-fest.

Nothing in this movie for the Gorehounds, I'm afraid.

Who cares. It wouldn't have helped things anyways.

Alright, it may have helped a little.
"You hear a baby crying, you hear a kid crying, you keep moving, okay? Children can sen-sense them. It's your warning." or "To eat me."

The use of the name "Wes Craven" in a movie's title doesn't mean that it's going to be good. Also, Shadow People look a lot like Gollum.

Unless you enjoy watching paint dry, skip this one.

This movie does feature a young Jodelle Ferland in an early role. Luckily for her (and us), she went on to star in far better movies like Silent Hill and Cabin in the Woods.


  1. Dang, that is harsh, I didn't think it was that bad and I kinda like the shadow creatures.

  2. I felt a little harsh writing it, but I couldn't write it any of the way... We watched it 2 weeks ago, and I deliberated that long over it...

    It was just that dull and lifeless of a movie.

  3. personally i enjoyed the movie and thought the creature design and atmosphere was prolly one of the better ones i've seen. As for gore though i dont really care for gore if i did then i would probably watch the ruins and puke green slime.

    I also felt that this movie added the scary thought of hopelessness as did the body snatchers (or puppetmasters) and the millions of rip-offs that spawned from it.

    How do you defeat something that lurks in shadow and causes power surges (only possible lighting is a candle).

  4. I agree that the concept was cool, it just ultimately left me flat is all.

  5. This... was mean by you. Horror-films these ays ain't nothing but "booh!scared ya!", which I'm pretty sick of. This movei though, was awesome because of its originality, the fact they didn't use supermodels to play the parts so people would come watch a crappy movie just to see hot chick being murdered, no, this movie is simply horror. It's not really that scary, but thinking if that was real, I wouldn't think you'd say the same about it like you did in the review. I loved the movie, sharing rank1 with Rose Red on my list. But that was your opinion.

  6. Petter, I understand some people do like this movie, it just didn't do it for me.

    I do, however, share your love of Rose Red. That is one hell of a mini series :)

  7. The shadow creatures were awesome although this movie reminded me a short film called The French Doors similar horror concept this movie would have done a lot better if it was on a hand held camera like REC or Blair Witch. T24

  8. i think the movie was good but i heard that they made part 2 or somthing if you have the answer let me now alright i still want to knoe whats up with the creatures like they hate the light they cause power surges if you saw the make the cadles hot so the sprikelers turn on but my friend said that in part two they had a shot that would protect you from them info please tell me if its true or is part 2 a fake.

  9. I half-watched "They" when it was on late one night. With the lights off, and pretty much right before I went to bed.

    Caveat: I tend to get spooked/weirded out by psychological thrillers more than anything, just because it's more "realistic". The potential schizophrenia aspect could have left me very, very unsettled...

    And this girl, the one who gets creeped out easily, watched this movie and went to bed. And I had happy dreams, probably about puppies.

    So, as a "scary" movie, "They" fails.

  10. I would like to know where Mr. Craven got some of his ideas for this movie. Its like he has had some of the same nightmares as I've had. Such as being at your living room window, fully aware of the fact your not alone, yet being unable to get the attention of two people talking at a table just outside that window. You can't open the window & they're just sitting there smiling & talking, not a care in the world, oblivious to the fact that your a couple feet away with your lights, one by one going out. Or the swimming pool, super, super scary. You come out of the locker-room to a scene of a crowded pool, with people in the pool & around the pool. Yet, as you complete a lap of the pool you notice the last couple of people leaving the pool area. Suddenly what was just was a crowded, noisy, scene around the pool, is now a dead silence, with only a glance of the last lingering shadows of the public exiting the building. The affect of this scene on me was nightmarish, quite obvious to me was the fact that I had a nightmare similar to this before. The public leaving, talking to themselves, but not reacting to your voice, as if you were invisible. And then hearing the faint splash at the other end of the pool, while noticing one by one the lights going out. Classic stuff, I thought. This movie is one of my all time favs. A real psychological thriller.

  11. Guys remenber this movie is a thriller/horror, like come on, if you were in this situation would you really think that you would fight back at something you can't understand. This movie gave us a new version of horror, like i found this unnerving. I would be scared shitless if i was unarmed in a dark underground subway being stalked by monsters trying to harvest my organs. Oh and yes this movie is alot alike the 'french doors'

  12. You seriously underrated this movie. SERIOUSLY UNDERRATED. This movie is very well done compared to modern horror, gore is the death of all modern horror, as soon as a director adds horror, there is a high chance he will over do it. Slasher movies or tear them up movies are not horror, even though their labeled one. Horror is there to scare you not gross you out, THEY should get at least a 7/10, i actually can't understand how you slept through this movie and it was so not umevemtful, i thought this movie was a good watch and deserves more praise then certain others.

  13. Anon, we totally respect the fact that you liked this movie a lot, we just did not. As horror films go, it felt more flat than horrific to us.

    And horror films come in all varieties. Blood and gore do not define horror at all, but they can define particular horror films.

    We include plenty of bloodless movies in our to-watch queues around here. it's all about what scares you or makes you feel uneasy, isn't it?

  14. If you don't think this movie is gay then your probably gay

  15. Anon, that comment makes no sense, still this was a heavily under-rated movie and I don't think you reviewed it right. This review was basically 'oh hey, wow I don't like it and I slept through it but I don't think anything happened. Really, you didn't give it enough credit or proper inspection. Just saying. The movie gave the right atmosphere and had characters that aren't played badly at all. The comment with her hair even though you were joking, it wasn't funny at all, I felt the actress did it correctly. The pyhscological horror aspect was above average, people really need to stop trying to figure out what the creatures look like it ruins the fear of the unknown. The movie had very clever ways of hiding their appearance and seriously though movies like this aren't always there for the audience to suffer nightmares. The exorcist in my opnion really didn't scare me as much as something out of ALIEN or halloween. Even though it didn't, I still felt it was a great movie. THEY definately deserveres a 6 or 7/10 for various reaons that I don't have time to discuss. P.S. This is an opnion

  16. There are plenty of flicks that I, or all of us here at THC, love that people seem to call bad.

    We know that a lot of folks out there love THEY, and that is totally cool.

    We just didn't like it. Wes is capable of better, and we thought we deserved more out of one of his films.

    Like you said, opinion.

  17. I have nightmares more interesting than this film, but then again truth is stranger than fiction. The only thing inhuman in this film was the acting. Just saw the film "The midnight meat train" now thats a good film. Best guess "they" are either demons or aliens interdimensional (think species 8472). But night terrors and the effects on electrical is an attached entity(s). Not all of them bad some just curious...the real curiosity is why mediocrity passes for originality and this film... ever got made.

  18. Wes craven didn't direct,write, or produce this so why is his name on it

    1. For publicity. He probably knew someone associated with the movie or something, or just got paid to lend out his name...

      I've seen 'Quentin Tarantino Presents" on a couple of movies that he liked, but had nothing to do with either.

  19. Wow, this one drew a lot of comments. I also enjoyed it a lot, certainly more than Darkness Falls which you gave a high score to.....not sure how that one works, as I thought this was far creepier than the pg-fest that was Darkness Falls. To each their own I suppose. We just inverted on those 2 films.