Solo Review: Farmhouse (2008)

Sub-Genre- Supernatural
Cast Members of Note- Kelly Hu and Steven Weber.

A loser husband and his weak-willed wife try to escape the failings of their lame lives by running off to Seattle to start fresh. Unfortunately for them, the loser husband falls asleep at the wheel and gets them into a car crash in the middle of Nebraska, or Idaho or something, and they end up pretty much screwed from that point on.

Screwed.

They try to find some help at a creepy vineyard -which is run by a creepy couple and a retarded guy that can't talk- which is where they realize soon enough that they are pretty much screwed. Tied up, tortured, and rubbed with cheese graters, they make a desperate bid to escape, which serves only to see the retarded guy lose some body parts while trying to help them. Why are people that run vineyards always so evil and smug?

He's smug, she's evil.

Far be it from me to ruin the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that once Satan shows up, things usually tend to take a turn for the worse. Also, does nobody think that babies are cute anymore?

Satan kinda looks like he's from Planet of the Apes.

There were some things about this movie that I really liked, first and foremost amongst them are Steven Weber and Kelly Hu. Weber is always a solid character actor, and he's especially great when he plays the bad guy; he's just really good at it. Hu is a pretty solid actress herself, plus she's very easy to look at. They both do a eerily good job here.

This film was a choppy mess narrative wise, but I thought the "twist" was pretty interesting. You really don't see enough Hellspawn in movies these days, and certainly not near enough of Old Scratch. Too bad all of that lasted for about two minutes in this one, more of it would have been great.

There are not enough dinner parties in Horror movies these days either.

WTF! Another movie with kid/baby violence! I swear that's all I've seen lately; The Unborn, 7eventy 5ive, Baby Blues... I'm going to start reviewing Pixar movies if this crap keeps up.

You poor little baby!

Never in all of my Horror movie watching years have I had my stomach turned by a cheese grater... until now. I can still hear the wet, scraping sound of it moving back and forth across flesh and bone... Jesus fuck.

Just be happy that pictures can't make sounds.

Cheese grater violence! Laugh if you want, but it was nasty as hell. Also, eye-gouging, throat-slitting, a meat thermometer to the temple, drowning, and various other  methods of torture... This one was surprisingly violent.

It was also surprisingly wet.

No nudity, but we do get a brief glimpse of Kelly Hu getting shagged from behind.

"Your bone is ruining my grater!"

Gambling tears families apart. Also, Satan is a fairly dapper fellow.

These two also tear families apart... literally! Zing!

This movie reminded me of a Lifetime movie of the week in some ways, and a solidly decent Horror movie in others. Sometimes lame, often times tense, and liberally disturbing in parts, Farmhouse is a decent way to spend an hour and a half if you've nothing else to watch. Check it out if you have some time to kill.

C-

Farmhouse is available now on DVD.

Alright, Kelly Hu. Alright.