VOD Review: All Through the House (2016)

"Ho, ho, ho, 80's Slasher style."

With Christmas just around the corner, we figured that we needed to sit down and watch a Christmas-themed Horror flick or two. Sure, we like the normal Christmas stuff, such as rampant consumerism, annoying Christmas music, and pretending to like everyone in your family because you have to, but what we really need this time of year is to drink some hot cocoa and watch some crazy dude in a Santa suit hacking people to death.

That just says Happy Holidays to us in a very special way.

We always watch Black Christmas, Gremlins, and maybe some Silent Night, Deadly Night, but we needed something new this year. That something new turned out to be All Through the House; a fun, 80's throwback of a Slasher flick that was packed full of all kinds of wet and red presents for us to enjoy.

It's Christmas time, and Rachel has returned to her childhood town to visit her crazy Nana, and leave a present under the tree for her long-dead mother. You see, 15 years ago, her mother disappeared (or was killed, still not sure) at the same time as a local neighbor girl went missing. And yes, the two events are tied together in a "shocking" way. You'll never see it coming from a mile away, either.

PLOT BE DAMNED; WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT HERE IS THAT DRESS.

So Rachel hooks up with her two gal pals for a night of shopping, which eventually turns into a night of family secrets and death when the three of them decide to help the creepy neighbor lady decorate her house, which is already fully decorated, and filled with way too many creepy mannequins. Also, "Santa" is roaming the neighborhood, killing whores and their lovers (and old women, as it turns out), because everybody is naughty.

There's more to the story, but it really doesn't matter. Scantily-clad chicks and gory kills ensue.

WHAT A WASTE OF HOTNESS.

All Through the House isn't a very good movie. I don't say that to be shitty, or to demean the effort that went into making it, but the acting is mediocre at best, and downright terrible at times; the story is really predictable and clumsy; and it feels like a cheap B-movie...

Where the movie does get it right though is in the bloodletting department. This is an 80's Slasher throwback in every sense, and it shows in its kill scenes, which are shown in all their glory; and in the amount of blood that flows, which is liberal. The practical effects work very well for a movie with such a small budget.

The movie also excels in the babes department. Populated with a bevy of modern day Scream Queens, all of whom appear various forms of sexy dress and undress, All Through the House recalls a day when Horror films were titillating, and unashamedly so. As exquisite and lovely as the female form is, you're damn right we should be able to appreciate it in the films we love. This movie allows us to do just that.

THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE. WE LOVE HER.

Shears in eyes, shears through chests, machetes in necks, and not one but two severed penis', the stockings are stuffed with bloody kills galore in this one, all of which are shown in full graphic goodness. Especially the severed penis', which are straight up shown laying on the ground. They went there twice.

THAT POOR BASTARD!

Nudity you say? Well there are two shower scenes, some topless scenes, and even an almost lesbian scene. It's mostly just a bunch of girls running around showing off their cleavage in revealing outfits, but it's got its moments.

AS LONG AS THAT SHOWER TOOK, SHE'S STILL DIRTY.

We learned that sometimes scantily-clad women and gratuitous gore can make a movie better. See for yourselves.

All Through the House is a movie that works well as an 80's Slasher throwback, even if it's not the most well-written or well-acted effort out there. It's fun though, and it delivers plenty of shameless goods in the name of bloody fun, and for that, we have to sing its praises.

C+

All Through the House is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Let's take a look at the lovely ladies of All Through the House, shall we?