April 20, 2009

April- Week 3; The Week in "Do Not Want!"

We saw some real clunkers this week...

We've seen them, we don't want to waste time fully reviewing them, we advise you to skip them.
  Death Factory: Bloodletting- Combine elements of Feast, The Devil's Rejects and a kiddie pool filled with week-old vomit, and you have Death Factory: Bloodletting. I had high hopes for this one, but it totally failed on too many levels to be redeemable. Blood and boobs; it delivers. Script, acting, story, acting, the "hip" style, story and acting; fail. Next time maybe try making an effective horror movie instead of trying to be hip and "on the edge", or whatever the hell it was that the producers trying to do.  

Some observations:
-Once character hides a 9mm gun and extra bullets in her hoo-ha.
-Were treated to such witty dialogue as "I'm on the rag. Happy trails, fucker!" and "If you try to leave the premise, you die."
-The characters are named White Manson, Slutty Baby, Rubber Love, Black Johnson, Gretel and Hansel, The Cock-Master, Massive 9, and Crazy Fucker. Yeah.
-Looking like Jesus and acting like Charles Manson doesn't make you compelling.
  Ghosts of Goldfield- What a waste of Rowdy Roddy Piper; that guy usually tends to rule (re: They Live), but here he's doing the job to a crap movie. Aside from some cute girls, this movie really has nothing to offer in the way of story, acting and above all, scares. Jump scares and quick cuts do not = scary.  

Some observations:
-What was with the lame "Ghost voices?"
-Marnette Peterson is hot. 
-Poor Rowdy Roddy... They absolutely wasted him here. Hot Rod deserves better than this!
-Do Cell Phones ever get signals in Horror movies? EVER?!?
  Virus Undead (2008)- As someone of German heritage, it pains me to bash a movie made in The Hinterland, but this one was just bad. Maybe they should have stuck to filming it in German as opposed to English, as most of it came of really cheesy and awkward. I guess the best way to describe the movie is that it's a really weak version of 28 Days Later? Bad, bad, bad. What the hell just happened?  

Some observations:
-Evil birds? What?
-Did they plan on the opening credits sequence to be a rip off of 2004's Dawn of the Dead?
-It takes about 42 minutes for anything to happen. Then, nothing really good does.
-The Willhelm Scream was at least fun.

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