April 26, 2009

April- Week 4; The Week in "Do not want!"

We've seen them, we don't want to waste time reviewing them, we advise you to skip them.

The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi- Whoever told October Kingsley that she could act/write/direct/produce lied to her. Also, where are her eyebrows? Yuck. This movie is about as engaging as the average late night Cinemax skin flick; except it's worse in just about every way.  

Some observations:
-Whatever blackmail material the producers of this film have on Faye Dunaway must be powerful stuff; like her making snuff films with orphans or something.
-Do you really need an AK-47 to kill a chicken?
-October Kingsley is a horrible actress. She should also never be let near a pen or camera again either. -Troma is capable of WAY better than this.
  Frayed- The "reviewers" on IMDB compared this shit-brick to Halloween and High Tension, which is complete bullshit. I was almost going to review this one normally, you know, give it a chance, but the ending just sealed it for me. Is this movie about a security guard being chased through the woods? What a shit twist. Oh wait, a twist after the twist? It's not a twist, just something they don't tell the audience but the characters know? Molested by a fucking clown? Dad? Unbelievable.

The Poker Club- Yay. Another "Oh shit, someone died accidentally but instead of calling the cops we should dump the body somewhere and pretend it never happened" flicks! This plot setup is just about as tired as the "A couple/a group of friends head into the woods and encounter mongoloid locals/unspeakable evil/unspeakable mongoloid evil" bit. I can deal with either of those plot lines, if the movie is done well, which this one just isn't. Predictable, bland, and filled with wild twists that no one cares about, this is Sci-Fi Channel material at best.
  The Caretaker- Why do I always fall for the straight-to-DVD garbage like this? I don't mind small budgets and minimalism, as long as the movie has heart; on the flip side, I don't mind lack of heart if the blood and gore is palpable. Nothing made any sense, the acting and story were equally awful...  

Some observations:
-Judd Nelson? What the hell happened to his career?
-Jennifer Tilly is the best part of this movie, and even she's horrible.
-"Your loss is my gain, muscle boy." What kind of dialogue is that?
-How can a teen slasher have gratuitous amounts of boobage on display, and yet barely any blood.
-What was with "Rapey" the limo driver? He was so skeevy I thought that I was gonna get raped.
-The blond chick was hot.
-What a horrible ending.

Cranky Old Man says: "That'll be just about enough of that shit!"

1 comment :

  1. I always love the covers for these terrible movies!

    - Zac