January 6, 2012

The Amityville Haunting (2012)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2042447/
Yes, I know this is an Asylum picture, and that instantly means it's going to suck, but they've really sunk to a new low here. Had this movie not snuck onto DVD a few days before the end of 2011, it would have been a contender for worst of the year.

This movie is exactly why the Found Footage genre sucks most of the time; it makes little logical sense, there's no real payoff until the end, and it treats the audience like they're stupid. No one in would act like these characters did in this move when faced with such dire situations, and even if they would, why in the hell would anyone watching have any sympathy for them?

No, these morons deserved to die, and it's just a shame that it took nearly 90 minutes for them to do so.

"Don't interrupt me until the threesome starts, Soldiers!"
Here are my thoughts, in bullet-point form, and as they happened:
-Four kids break in to the fabled house, taunt spirits, die.
-Family shown house by realtor, realtor dies. They take the house anyway.
-While moving in, one of the movers dies. Still, they stay.
*At this point, I was already hoping the moronic family would die*

Why did the hottest part of the movie have to die so soon?
-An annoying kid with a camera is constantly recording everything, his hot sister is always on her cell.
-Camera blacks out, flashes on/off, obviously to signify ghostly presence.
-Camera kid needs ass-whipping.
-The "too cute" youngest daughter is a little bit annoying and fake, just like pretty much every character in this movie. She's even got an imaginary friend... oh boy.
-The overbearing Military Dad, the vaguely dissatisfied Mom, the snotty and awful teenage Daughter, and the annoying gay-haired Son... some of the worst and most cliche' characters ever.
*At this point I wonder, when is the Horror going to start?*

Seriously, why?!?
-Of course, they're installing a security system with bunches of cameras.
-God I hope everyone in this family dies.
-Random iPod with video appears.
-Oh look, flies all over the window.
-This is a movie about a family that likes to do nothing but argue, it's not a Horror movie.
-"My man Cut!" shows up to install multiple cameras for his Military buddy, and is killed by a rogue electrical line. Still, no one leaves the house.
-Dad cries over his man Cut... real, manly tears. Mom sleeps real late till noon.
-Dad punches the air and screams "stay away from my daughter!"
*Seriously, nothing even remotely horrific has happened at this point.
-Family meeting, lights go out; "Don't worry it's just a breaker, I'll go check. Sergeant on my 6!" LOL
-Dad is practicing Feng Shui with crosses and furniture.
*The end of the movie is almost here and nothing has happened at all.*

The interpretive dance scene.
-I'm taken aback; there's another ghost figure just standing there... this time it's a little boy. Ooh.
-Dad is having his weekly Afghanistan flash-back, hoping his kills everyone then himself.
-Now he's saluting the bookshelf.
-Best part of the movie: "What the fuck?"That was awesome and says it all.
-First family death is pretty cool. Dad's fate was neat too.
-There are no words to explain exactly how awful and ridiculously sad this movie is.

You wanna bilk people for their money, fine. Can you at least give them something, anything, for their troubles when you do? It's almost like the people who made this movie were making fun of anyone dumb enough to pay to watch it.

There's zero suspense, no scares, horrible acting, an abysmal script, and the ever-annoying un-steady cam that is constantly present in these POV flicks... We'd sooner roll a live grenade into a Kindergarten Class than endure this crap again, and we love kids.

I'm really sorry that this movie sucked so bad that we barely noticed that it had some hot chicks in it. Our apologies, ladies.

11 comments :

  1. Like you said, VERY bad acting. Thank God I rented instead of buying, and even that was a waste of money. Worst part of the movie... The daughter, supposedly being killed by some supernatural force... She does a friggin' backbend! I'm like, "that's it??? A backbend??? That's all you've got???"
    Not worth the money or the time.

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  2. I have a fair amount of experience when it comes to Asylum movies, but this sounds awful even by their standards. Will definitely be giving it a watch :)

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  3. Just a bad fuckin joke. Seriously, this "mockmuster" trend needs to stop and the Asylum is the only production group who has absolutly no shame when it comes to releasing crap.. At this rate their next flick could only be dubbed as a.. wait for it.. Comedy.

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  4. The longer I watched this movie the more pissed I got. People are dying in front of them and they just keep going. The HORRIBLE acting was the worst part of it all. The basic storyline was almost as bad. It was like someone got stoned while watching Paranormal Activity and thought 'I can do this with Amityville'. I saw it free on Netflix and still feel ripped off.

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  5. So I watched the first 20 mins of it and thought this was such a rip off!
    1st- This is supposed to be the Amityville House? Looks nothing like it.
    2nd- The family that lived in the "Real" house in 2008 was the Wilsons
    3rd- This must have been some beginners acting try out then a movie.
    I have been to visit the REAL 108 Ocean ave house a number of times and it's crap like this that make things bad for the current owners. If your gonna put a Amityville movie out at least make it make sense!!!!! AFR

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    1. The real house was 112 ocean ave not 108 so as u were close u werent there srry to burst ur bubble

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    2. One of the previous owners changed the address from 112 Ocean Drive, to 108..Due to the non-stop traffic from visitors.. Checking out the house. I believe this was the same family that had the 3rd floor windows redone/replaced as well.

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  6. Lol. Exactly what I was thinking!! Gaaay. Only 9-13 years old can like this.

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  7. My time is gone and I can never get it back. I watched it free on netflix. Netflix sucks.

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  8. I watched some of it and it was freaky

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  9. hi,
    i'm invitating u and ur readers to read my review of this movie here:

    http://oceansmovies.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-amityville-haunting-movie-review.html

    regards

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