September 9, 2012

Quick Review: Knock, Knock (2012)
Knock Knock 2 is an apparent sequel (?!?) of a Lionsgate movie called Knock Knock, and neither movie has anything to do with each other aside from their titles, and an eye looking through a peephole on both of the movie's posters... which I'm sure is bound to upset the 17 people that actually saw that suck-job of a movie. The first one, I mean. Or the sequel, because that one sucked too...

I'm confused.

Knock Knock 2 is an uneventful mess of a movie about some wacky pranksters driving around in the middle of the night, on a "map-of-the-stars-homes" type quest to find haunted houses.

Like, houses in which people now live, that were supposedly haunted at one point or another. They read the map and say "Oh, let's go to this one!" Then they find the house, run around on the grass or peek in the windows, the run away because "OMG, that was crazy!"

The whole time I was waiting for someone to call the cops on these fucktards, so that they'd stop bothering people in the middle of the night as they tried to sleep, and also so I'd stop being pissed-off that I was watching it all happen. No one gets arrested though, and by the end of the movie, they actually make it to the house from the trailer, 1666 something (clever), and find themselves locked in by (haunted?) plywood and nails.

Hey, brainiacs... start with the little boards, then try to loosen the big one. Or maybe find a man to help you escape.
The big issue with people making cheap movies like this, is that because they have no budget, they have to rely on atmosphere and characterization more than most films, and they tend to fail in both of those departments. I should have known what was coming from the start when we're treated to a couple going to the beach, setting the camera in the sand, walking halfway down the beach, and then stood there talking to each other. No sound, barely any visuals, just us sitting there watching people halfway down a beach from our POV, talking.

Never fear though, because we do get four people talking, reading, driving around together while talking and reading, and talking. Also reading. For an hour. Nothing happens for so long in this movie, that by the time the characters get somewhere where something should finally happen, more nothing happens, and we're left wondering what in the hell just happened.

New rule: Anyone who makes a Found Footage flick from here on out has to disappear like their characters, never to be heard from again, if their movie ends up sucking. And I mean gone, like vanished. That ought to make people think twice before churning out this kind of crappola from now on.

Wasn't that window boarded up on the inside?
Listen, this crap has to stop. These half-baked, half-assed attempts at "reality" Horror that all look the same and boast the same shoddy plot elements... they all need to stop now. If you're broke, can't write very well, and have no new ideas (or can't make reasonably good use of an old idea), then don't make a movie.

Watch this one if you must, but don't say you weren't warned.

They're in this.

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