December 9, 2011

Suspiria and American Psycho are next to be remade...

An Evil Dead remake with no Ash and Devil Coby on rewrite duties is bad enough news for horror fans, but after throwing Suspiria and American Psycho's hats into the remake ring, this shit just has to stop. We understand that Hollywood doesn't care about much other than turning a profit, and that horror is pretty much the bastard son of Tinsel Town, but enough is enough. If you're all out of ideas, which Hollywood clearly is, you remake shitty or sub par movies, not classics. Piranha was a great idea for a remake, and it was bloody, unapologetic fun. The Crazies made for a great update. Others like Dawn of the Dead, TCM, and The Hills Have Eyes all turned out pretty good, whether they needed to be remade or not. Most horror remakes, however, tend to suck. Not just because they are "remakes", but because they are inferior versions of already good movies. I'm not going to list them. You already know which ones suck. If the "new generation" can't relate to a movie like American Psycho, which was made not even 12 years ago, then fuck them. American Psycho took a book that was basically impossible to film, and gave us a modern day horror masterpiece. Christian Bale was dead solid perfect as Patrick Bateman. He got what the book was about. So did the director. It will not get any better. There's no new spin you can put on it. So why do it? Especially since it's going to be a film with a "very small budget?" According to Lionsgate, the remake will be “a down and dirty new version that imagines how yuppie serial killer Patrick Bateman would fare in New York today.” Great. So What, Twitter and smart phones will figure prominently?
Suspiria is a far older movie, but it's such a unique movie in so many ways, that the thought of a remake baffles us. Some will argue that the movie sucked, and it could use a newer, better version. I can't fathom how it can be made better or more effective. The movie had its flaws, but that was part of what made Giallo and Italian horror films of the 70's so great; a lot of the time they felt confused, had silly dialogue, implausible plots, "WTF!" inducing endings... but it wasn't about coherence or polish. That's not what made them great. Atmosphere, striking visuals paired with haunting and seemingly perfect music, sex and blood... that's why Italy shined so brightly in the genre. They understood nuance. They also like graphic violence. It was like morbid art. What can these remakes possibly offer horror fans? Black Swan with more gore? Patrick Batemean blogging about the subtle nuance of the Black Eyed Peas while beating a cat to death with his iPhone? Good luck assholes. With so many great horror movies out there that never get a proper chance to shine... oh wait a minute... most of those are from Europe, Asia, and every other part of the world that isn't Hollywood. I see. If you can't beat em, just remake stuff. This is exactly why we focus our attention on movie like I Saw the Devil, Troll Hunter, Megan is Missing, Stake Land, The Tunnel, The Shrine, Tucker & Dale vs Evil, Wake Wood... love them or hate them, these are all great horror flicks that deserve an audience. They all saw release this year, and sadly, most people will not even know they exist. The horror genre has to be about more than Final Destination 9, Saw 23, and countless remakes that serve little purpose other than to sucker people into theaters. Fans deserve better.


  1. Suspiria remake has been in the works for a few years now.

  2. Spot on! This shit is for the birds.

    Oh, and Megan is Missing was awesome... :D

  3. Why would they remake American Psycho...? that thing's still fresh.

    And the Beauty of Suspiria was the way it was shot and put together. To me it always felt like a great idea, broken into sharp pieces and then stitched together with a kaleidoscope. watching it felt to me feels like tripping out on a nightmare.

    What can they do with it? and if they do it different... it wont be the same.

    But I have to admit... I'm sort of looking forward to the Evil Dead remake... only because I want more Evil Dead. If it sucks, I still have my original box set.

  4. Drunketh- Yeah it has, it just looks like they are finally going forward with it now. It made recent news again, at least, so I just needed to finally rant on it lol

    Stitch- Megan was awesome, in a very creepy way lol

    Clarence- "To me it always felt like a great idea, broken into sharp pieces and then stitched together with a kaleidoscope."

    That's really the best way to put it. I wish I had articulated it just like that.

  5. I couldn’t have said it any better! Great post! I’m so sick of the sub par garbage Hollywood has been producing for the past decade. They’re not just remaking older films that were hits, but almost everything else is just an Americanized version of popular foreign films. I don’t think there has been an original movie idea to come out of Hollywood in years. Everything is a cheap knockoff.

  6. I think if they remake American Psycho as they've described it would be interesting,could you imagaine it?He'd be killing and drilling all the while battling impending unemployment and homelessness,they could use a moral backdrop of how the world is financially corrupt and that there are highflyers out there who crap on us average joes.

    Or we could ignore all that crap and Lionsgate could just save their money and stop wasting time on remakes and trying to impress the new generation of horror lovers with terrible rehashes of what were good or ok films.

    Rant over.

    Megan was Missing was a good film,they should show it in schools(sorry but I remember the thread from the review and the backlash I caused with that comment)

  7. Preach it brother.

    You guys doing a top 10 of 2011?

  8. Definitely a top/bottom 10 of 2011 coming, Anon. Probably right after xmas.

    Exactly Osie. And sadly for us, horror gets the worst of it.

    I remember someone posting about Megan is Missing and they told us to kill ourselves because we thought it should be shown in school too, Zocial.

    Well guess who didn't kill themselves? US! :)