September 2, 2009

DVD Review: Terror Train (1980)
In Attendance- Me, Machine, and Chris... everyone else left!
Cast Members of Note- Jamie Lee Curtis, Ben Johnson, Hart Bochner, and the insane casting of Vanity and David Copperfield?!?

When a group of College a-holes get Jamie Lee Curtis to lure a shy tranny pledge upstairs with the promise of sex, he freaks out and gets all twisted up in some drapes (really.) If he didn't want to sleep with her, he should have just politely said "No thank you, Miss," and went along his merry little tranny way. Instead, he freaks out, goes insane, and ends up being committed... What?

Not a friend of the Transgendered.
Three years later, the same group of a-holes are just about to graduate, so naturally they decide to celebrate by having a costume party aboard a train... a Terror Train! Yeah, I don't get it either. The biggest accomplishment of my life, and I'm going to jump on a train where the big draw is watching some half-assed magician make coins disappear? That's my reward?

One by one,the a-holes that pulled the prank on poor Kenny Hampson (the tranny) start getting bumped off by a chameleon-like killer that changes costume to mimic whomever he just killed. Clever. Will anyone escape the Terror Train alive? Will anyone notice that the magician's assistant has an Adam's Apple? Does anybody really care?

That's what you get for teasing the geek, Jamie Lee!
This is a decent little 80's slasher flick, but in the end it's a bit too underwhelming to be considered great. It's fairly slow, cheesy, and we don't get to see half of the kills happen on screen. It does have a neat atmosphere about it, and it's still a mostly fun ride. Also, the cage scene is definitely a classic Horror moment.

You asked for this.
Did no one on the train notice the tranny right before their eyes? Or that Kenny kinda looked like a wispy little chick before "The incident?"

"Uh, sorry son, but that ain't no girl."
Was David Copperfield's presence in this movie really necessary? You didn't see Doug Henning's ass in Prom Night, or Waylon Flowers and Madame play an integral role in Happy Birthday to Me, did you? David Copperfield is nothing more than a cheesy wizard!

The chicks seem to like him though...
Most of the kills in this one are quick cut or implied, so don't go into this one expecting a ton of blood & gore.

We get a little bit of 80's-style boobage, but it's really nothing much. What a shame too, considering that both Vanity and Jamie Lee Curtis are in this movie.

Vanity is a nasty girl. Ask Prince if you don't believe me.
Never piss off the Transgendered. Also, Magicians are kinda lame. No, Magicians are really lame.

Groucho Marx is in this.
This was an average 80's Horror flick that could have been great if they had shown us all of the kills that happened off-camera, and made the ones we did see actually worth seeing. Still, it's a fun trip down slasher memory lane, just don't expect all that much and you might be satisfied.


Terror Train is available now on Blu-ray, DVD.

Jamie Lee Curtis is an all-time great.


  1. Still haven't seen Terror Train. Even if the reviews are generally pretty bad, I feel like I need to.

  2. I'm with you on this one. There is nothing really special about this movie, but it's somehow been turned into a classic so it's kind of a must-watch for whatever reason.

    Vanity does get nakie in Action Jackson. And she sings a lot too...and it's just terrible.