September 20, 2009

Running Commentary Review: Attack Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead (2008)

It's been too long since the last RCR, and I'm excited to get back too it again! This movie seems like the perfect candidate too... Keep in mind that these RCR's are nothing more than me making quick comments as I'm watching the movie, so some of it may seem out of place or random. this is all "Live as it happens" people!

Start- They're warning me that the movie contains graphic violence. I certainly hope it does! It's 1 day until the big meet, and some chick is practicing her swimming. I think there's a Zombie in the pool. Nope, it's another chick... Or not. I'm confused.

3:23- Japanese schoolgirls and heavy metal; things are picking up! Coach Yang sure is tough on the girls. Like seriously, he pushes them down and smacks them right in the face! "A new virus is going around. Please remember to wash your hands and gargle."

Coach Yang is a dick.
7:02- Shower scene! Aki is taking a slow, wet shower after falling in the pool? Oh wait, another girl is joining her... and they both have the same bruise/birthmark on their boob. This is very gratuitous.

They're so nervous.
And coach Yang is toast! Wait... if this is a zombie movie, why is someone getting stabbed to death? "A new virus is going around . Please remember to wash your hands and gargle." Okay, we heard you the first 30 times!

Gargle on this!
10:40- Vaccination time. Apparently there's a virus on the loose in school. Oh, I see. Students get their shots first then the teachers get... a different vaccine. Methinks the creepy doctor has some sort of nefarious plan brewing... And the chicks from the shower have the same mole too. What is their connection, aside from the obvious lesbian tension between them? I think hope they might end up in love.

Love or lust, either way.
15:12- In the midst of everyone getting "sick", they found coach's corpse. But he's alive... and happy? I think everybody is Zombifying. That or they're getting the flu. Nope, it's not the flu.  

WTF! Zombie teacher is juggling rulers? In a fantastic display of multitasking, he's also severing spines and limbs with them while giving his math lesson. Why is no one running? Limbs are flying everywhere! Blood is spraying in fountains! Eyes are popping! Schoolgirls are vomiting! I think the shit has just hit the fan! Why is no one running?!?!?!?

Why you no run?
20:45- Miss Mariko has the principal tied up in the bathroom, and is cutting off his toes. Also, Zombie schoolgirls are everywhere! Luckily for Aki, she knows karate! She also has no problem slitting throats and breaking necks, so she's all set.

With only the girls swim team unaffected, it's up to them to survive alone! Oh sweet Jesus, here's that juggling Zombie teacher again. What is it with him and apples! Get him, Aki! Good girl.

30:00- Aki's crazy doppelganger friend is feeding her soup and going on about how they will still go to the swim meet. Yep. "There was this crazy doctor. He was a crazy doctor." You just said the same thing twice Aki.

Flashback time... He was a crazy doctor! He keeps Aki naked, forces her to jog and do bikini push ups, wear a ball gag, and trains her to be an assassin. A water assassin.

I support this.
End of flashback. Now, the crazy chick is feeding Aki soup again... with her mouth! Forget the soup, now they're making out. It must taste like soup. Off come the shirts, to compare bruises of course. And now they're having sex. Afterward, the weird chick tells Aki that she was separated from her twin sister at birth, and then plays guitar. I think two sisters just had lesbian sex.

I also support this.
42:31- Crazy teacher with a chainsaw! Luckily, Aki shows up and kicks her ass. Running to the pool, Aki also discovers that chlorine is the antidote to the Zombie vaccine? But only in the students? Crazy teacher returns, and they throw her in the pool, sans chainsaw.

It looks ronery.
Shower time again, and apparently flashback time again too. What the hell is with the flute? Holy shit, this guy is the pied piper of pussy! His smooth tones make Aki drop trou faster than a Kenny G song makes me want to hurt small animals. I'm not sure, but this may be rape.

The song is called "I want to be in you."
56:00- The Pied Piper is back and behind all of the viral shenanigan's apparently thinking that he can have Aki for himself with just a few toots of his flute. Wrong! She's on the swim team now! Attack Girls Swim Team super crazy amazing rainbow fight time now!

1:03:08- Aki and the crazy chick are making out again, but this time... oh crap, another flashback. To say anymore would give away the "twist", but let me just say this: WTF?!?

That's what you get for making out with everyone, hooker.
End- Seriously, the ending made me yell WTF?!? Out loud.

All I'm saying is, vag-laser.
Lot's of boobs, plenty of lesbian sex, some regular sex, shower scenes, all kinds of gore, and a plot that left me baffled.

It's not Tokyo Gore Police, but it's crazy enough to deserve a solid, guilty pleasure-laden grade of C.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead is available now on DVD.