VOD Review: Amityville:The Awakening (2017)

"Well, at least they tried."

We love Amityville flicks around here.

Th original is classic (the 2005 remake wasn't so bad either); part 2 is notable for some disturbing subtext; part 3... well, that was in 3D... and then the rest of the series' 18 installments are mostly trash involving dollhouses, Found Footage, and even a cymbal-banging monkey.

Some of those shitty "sequels" didn't even involve the Amityville house, and yet we've seen them all.

It's been a rough road for we Amityville fans as we've waited and hoped for a decent installment to come along and bring back some glory to the Amityville name... and unfortunately, this is not that movie at all.

It's not a real big mystery as to why this movie has been sitting on the proverbial shelf since 2014.

Belle is a brooding goth teenager who is particularly angsty these days because she was the cause of an accident that left her twin brother in a vegetative state. When her mother moves the family to a new house to be able to better care for her son, it's not long before weird things start to happen, and Belle begins to wonder if something is wrong with the house.

THAT HOUSE IS GOING TO EAT HER.

And of course there is something wrong with the house at 112 Ocean Avenue, because it's the damn Amityville house. The red room is still in the basement, and it's still radiating an evil ghostly presence, and this time the presence has set its sights on the comatose brother as its vessel... or maybe it's mom who's most susceptible to possession?

It doesn't really matter, because this is basically a family drama.

WHERE IS THAT PILLOW-SSNATCHING GHOST WHEN YOU NEED IT?

I'll give Amityville: The Awakening this much: it at least took place in the Amityville house, and the prodcuers did a great job of making it look authentic.

Aside from that though, and the fact that Bella Thorne is one of Hollywood's cutest redheads, and she's pleasant to look at, this movie plays like a Hallmark Channel movie with jump scares, and that's only good news if you're my grandmother.

Things get interesting towards the end, but everything else throughout is exposition, info dumps, and jump scares.

And Bella Thorne looking cute and angsty. I guess that's something.

I honestly wonder if this movie underwent a bunch of re-shoots or cuts, because it's crazy how generic the plot is, and how disposable most of the characters are. With such a notable cast, you'd think that they could have a decent little movie on their hands here, but actors like Jennifer Jason Leigh and Kurtwood Smith are wasted in this one, playing down to the generic, lackluster material.

I did like how the kids watched the actual The Amityville Horror, as that was a neat meta nod.

SHE'S SEEN BETTER ROLES.

Some nasty bed sores and a bit of gun violence are all we get here.

AND A HEAD WOUND. SHE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THAT LOOKED AT.

Not that kind of movie at all, but Bella Thorne looked good creeping around her haunted house in some boy shorts.

IF YOU NOTICE THAT BELLA IS PEELING WALLPAPER IN THIS PICTURE, THEN YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT OF THE SCENE.

As uninspiring and bland as Awakening is, it's still one of the best in the series behind Amityville 3-D... or maybe it's slightly ahead of that one, depending on how you feel about early 80's 3-D.

In any event, this is streaming for free right now, so if you're bored, are fan of Bella Thorne, or just have a deep-seeded need to see every Amityville flick that comes out like we do, you might as well give it a go.

D+

Amityville: The Awakening is streaming for free on Google Play.

Bella Thorne is the queen of long-delayed Horror movies: Amityville, The Babysitter, and Keep Watching are all finally seeing release this fall, after having been on the shelf for the past year or two.