Review: Dead Cert (2010)

Cast Members of Note- This movie is filled with a who's who of great British character actors; Jason Flemyng, Dexter Fletcher, Danny Dyer, Steve Berkoff, Craig Fairbrass, Andrew Tiernan.

The story revolves around Freddy "Dead Cert" Frankham and his group of Limey Crimey's, who live their lives happily in a strip club, acting all tough, fighting, drinking, and speaking in dialects that not even other British folk can understand. It's what gangsters in England do, you know. Gangsters and Football Fans. The Football Fans are rougher though. Sorry, Gangsters.

"Are you taking the piss?"

When a mysterious group of other Gangsters make Frankie an offer to buy his strip club, Inferno, he tells 'em to bugger off, and returns to proper Gangstering. They're persistent though, and before long, Frankie ends up losing the club to them, via a not-at-all-fair pit fight. It's not fair a all, because unbeknownst to Frankie and his crew, the other Gangsters are really... Vampires!

And so are their whores!

When some crazy old Van Helsing-like guy shows up with a bunch of stakes and a crucifix's, Frankie says sod it all and decides that he's taking his club back. A bloodbath ensues. Also, betrayal ensues. Also, also, no tits in the strip club ensues. It's all insanity if you ask me.

"Lapdance?"

Can Dead Cert get his club back and rid his town of the shady Vampire menace? Will the Vampires make quick work of their Gangster rivals, and run the strip club with full nudity? Did Guy Ritchie direct this movie? No, he didn't, but it really all feels the same to me.

This scene totally could have been from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels...

As British Gangster flicks go, this one was not too bad. As Vampire flicks go, this one was not too bad either. It's not an instant genre classic or anything, but Dead Cert merges two fun genres and the end result is pretty enjoyable. It's a pretty straightforward movie with no real twists or fresh bits to add to the Vampire genre, but at least no one sparkled, right?

I mean, not much is slicker than a good Brit Gangster flick, or as bloody fun as a good Vampire flick, so really, bringing the two elements together just makes good sense to us. It's not the first, nor the best of the Gangster/Vampire genre -that honor still goes to 1992's Innocent Blood- but hell, it's a goodie none the less.

Vampire kids are the creepiest.

There needed to be a bit more Vampire action in this movie. It really leans more towards the Gangster side of things, and the Vamp action doesn't really heat up until the third reel. It's a minor complaint, and maybe less is more, but had they made it a little bloodier early on, this movie could have been classically awesome instead of just good.

More scenes like this would have been good.

Gangster flicks often have nudity in them. Vampire flicks often have nudity in them. Movies involving strippers and strip clubs, almost always have nudity in them... so with the three combined, where were the boobs, filmmakers? You, good sirs, have wasted the nudity potential of one Ms. Loretta Basey, and that is simply a crime against humanity! Live with that one on your collective conscience, you thoughtless dicks!

Hottest victim ever.

It's a Vampire flick, so you know the blood is flowing freely in this one. Throw in plenty of bullets on top of the neck biting and staking, and yes, it's a bit heavy in the wet and red department.

Wet, red, and nearly naked.

For a movie that takes place primarily in a strip club, I'm astounded that we get no nudity whatsoever. We get plenty of hot, scantily-clad women, but nary so much as one boob. Boob. That's a funny word.

Even Gangsters and Vampire are polite in England. Also, Craig Fairbrass reminds me a lot of Ray Stevenson, not that it's a bad thing, mind you.

If anyone can beat a vampire with only their fists, it's Craig Fairbass.

Dead Cert is a fun Gangster/Vampire hybrid that does enough right to make the watching enjoyable. If you like your average British Gangster flick, hot chicks, Vampires, and Cockney accents, then this is the movie for you. Also, if you like seeing maybe the hottest woman on the planet (Loretta Basey), then this movie is definitely for you. Leave me be, I have a thing for curvy British girls.

Anywho, check it out if you want a decent way to waste a few hours.

C+

Dead Cert is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

This movie has given us one of the hottest girls ever seen by human eyes, Loretta Basey, and we need to take a closer look at her...