Review: Skyline (2010)

"Remember how elated you felt after watching District 9 for the first time? Well, keep remembering that, because this movie contains none of that likewise goodness..."
As if the diseased asshole of a movie that was Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem wasn't bad enough, The Brothers Strause managed to make an even shittier asshole of a film here with Skyline.  

The Brothers Strause... how pretentious can two shitty filmmakers be? I mean, at least McG, with his douche-baggy moniker, can make a halfway decent movie now and then. Kinda. These guys though.... Maybe learn how to be competent at your craft before adopting a self-important title like that.

This really sucks, because I'm a sucker for movies with crazy looking spaceships, and especially when those ships bring crazy looking aliens to earth, to fuck shit up. That part of Skyline was kinda cool. In that respect, it felt a tad like District 9 or Independence Day... for about 30 seconds. Alright, it was more than 30 seconds, and truth be told, the aliens throughout the movie were pretty cool-looking and menacing. If only there was something more for them to do other than show up, suck people into the sky, and feed off of their moronic brains.

Eric Balfour is too cool for this movie.

Unfortunately for this film, the aliens weren't anywhere near as menacing as the shitty script, the mostly poor acting, and the haphazard direction which made my brain feel as though it were being gang raped by figurative butter knives.

In Skyline, a group of unlikeable characters, whom are either bland common folk or vapid rich assholes, spend the entire movie running around all scared, hiding ineffectively, looking through a telescope, making horrible decisions, arguing about stupid shit that shouldn't matter, or not dying painfully enough. Whoever wrote this movie must have been on a month long meth binge, because it was sloppy, choppy, cliche, and not much of it made any bit of sense or was the least bit compelling.

It could have been so good...

Honestly, had this movie been penned and directed by 2 slow-witted 3rd graders, I would understand. Kids don't know anything about character development, plot, pacing, smart dialogue or originality. Heart. Emotion. Compelling story arcs... none of that. They like to see shit blow up.

Let's not get into specifics about the ridiculosity (yes, I think I just made that word up) of it all, else we will be here all day. Let's just say that the fighter jet exploding on the roof, and not killing the people that were also on the roof boggled my mind. And am I really supposed to buy into the scene at the end where two people are transformed by the aliens and are being sucked up into a spaceship in a cloud of debris and turbulent wind, and they have the presence of mind, let alone the physical ability, to hold hands and kiss lovingly on the way up? Fuck you. At that point I was cheering for the aliens to kill every last person on the planet, because if we can't do better than this schmaltzy crap, we deserve to be food for a race of superior beings. I mean that wholeheartedly, too.

Which brings us to what may be one of the worst movie endings in Cinematic History. Sure, that's a bold claim, but I'm pretty sure I'm right about this: After being sucked into the "ship", our hero gets turned into and alien with an electric brain, our Final Girl gets an ultra sound, the face rub thing (which was directly ripped off from Face/Off) gets used, and hero/alien boy starts fighting his new alien brethren, and we cut to the credits. I wanted to laugh, but I was too sad to smile.

Again, Eric Balfour is way better than this crap.

If I ever have the chance to be in the same room as these Strause boys, I'm going to grab one of them by the head, doesn't matter which one, and beat the other into unconsciousness with it. No court in the world will convict me. In fact, I believe I will be lauded for being the guy who "did what needed doing." I wanna say this movie can suck it, but I feel that "tongue jack my shit box" is far more apropos.

Brittany Daniel is in this (along with some other hot chicks), and we don't even care!