February 26, 2010

Do Not Want!- Sorority Row (DVD Review)

Remember when slashers used to be fun? A bunch of hot teen chicks and dumb teen guys would be brought together in a secluded locale for some reason or the other, and then systematically picked off in bloody, painful ways? The good girl always lives, the whore always dies... then again so does the bitch, the fat guy, the plain chick, and most of the time the plain, nice guy too... and this was back when twist endings were fun and not used a as shitty gimmick in every big Horror movie that comes out, and they would usually set up a sequel. Shallow and exploitative perhaps, but loads of fun anyway.

With the remake of (House On) Sorority Row, which was talked up as being a return to the days of old school slasher flicks, we get off-screen kills with little blood or gore, VERY little shameless nudity or sex, characters that ALL deserve to die painfully, a sorry script that at times made me laugh and cry at the same time, and an ending filled with three "twists" that all sucked. Oh, and we also get Carrie Fisher showing up to collect a paycheck. My, how Princess Leia has fallen.

Recently I've been harsh on flicks like Twilight and H2, which were both abysmal in their own way, but at least they got some things right; Twilight, as pathetic as it all is, at least stayed true to what it was aiming for. H2, while making me want to throw a sleeping child over a cliff, at least had some gore and got a few Horror elements right... Sorority Row just took a crap on the floor of the genre, rolled around in it, and then has the gall to ask us for a hug? No.

This is exactly the kind of genre movie that deserves genre hate, with its glossy, empty veneer and crowd-cheating jump scares. How do you mess up the concept of a bunch of hot, slutty coeds taking showers, having sex and being sliced and diced? It's a no-brainer! Let me give you a quick list: there's a  chick named Chuggs... what kind of douche-baggery is that?; college chicks portrayed as mentally challenged, slutty, evil, plotting harpies... forget that one, its not too far from the truth actually; a tire iron with a knife on it that can be thrown with deadly accuracy down long hallways and easily bury itself right in the middle of someones forehead; bodies that don't immediately tumble over when a tire iron with a knife on it is thrown with deadly accuracy down a long hallway and easily bury itself right in the middle of their head forehead; A lame, fake, twist, the even more lame real twist, and then another twist before the credits that will make you roll your eyes in disgust. Or laugh. You might laugh... Do I need to say anymore? No? Good.

In summary, all I can say about this movie is that it's horrendous, and if you waste you time and money on seeing it, then shame on you. 

 When not even a gaggle of ill-behaved hotties can save a movie, you know it's in trouble.


  1. A return to the true horror journalism I read this blog for. Congratulations!

  2. Awwww, I actually enjoyed the hell out of this one for all the reasons you hated it. :(

    You've been infected...

  3. Yeah, I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't find it MORE stupid than 99% of the other slashers I've seen over the last 9-10 years.

  4. I gotta say I sort of liked this...it was awful, oh god yes, but I was amused. Then again, I have an inexplicable affection for terrible horror movies...so I guess this one might have just been bad enough to tickle my fancy

  5. I begrudge no one for having a jones for bad movies... they are all sorts of fun. I just get irked to no end by sucky movies, as opposed to the "so bad that they're good" movies.

  6. I liked it cos of its shinyness and yeah BRIANA EVIGAN. The chinese girl was hot but she cant act for shit. Anyways..
    What did you think about the new 'ELM STREET' trailer? I so FUCKING loved it.

    "Why are you screaming already, I haven't even cut you yet."

  7. Eye candy aplenty, Ifaz. And Brianna is way hot.