February 26, 2010
Do Not Want!- Sorority Row (DVD Review)
With the remake of (House On) Sorority Row, which was talked up as being a return to the days of old school slasher flicks, we get off-screen kills with little blood or gore, VERY little shameless nudity or sex, characters that ALL deserve to die painfully, a sorry script that at times made me laugh and cry at the same time, and an ending filled with three "twists" that all sucked. Oh, and we also get Carrie Fisher showing up to collect a paycheck. My, how Princess Leia has fallen.
Recently I've been harsh on flicks like Twilight and H2, which were both abysmal in their own way, but at least they got some things right; Twilight, as pathetic as it all is, at least stayed true to what it was aiming for. H2, while making me want to throw a sleeping child over a cliff, at least had some gore and got a few Horror elements right... Sorority Row just took a crap on the floor of the genre, rolled around in it, and then has the gall to ask us for a hug? No.
This is exactly the kind of genre movie that deserves genre hate, with its glossy, empty veneer and crowd-cheating jump scares. How do you mess up the concept of a bunch of hot, slutty coeds taking showers, having sex and being sliced and diced? It's a no-brainer! Let me give you a quick list: there's a chick named Chuggs... what kind of douche-baggery is that?; college chicks portrayed as mentally challenged, slutty, evil, plotting harpies... forget that one, its not too far from the truth actually; a tire iron with a knife on it that can be thrown with deadly accuracy down long hallways and easily bury itself right in the middle of someones forehead; bodies that don't immediately tumble over when a tire iron with a knife on it is thrown with deadly accuracy down a long hallway and easily bury itself right in the middle of their head forehead; A lame, fake, twist, the even more lame real twist, and then another twist before the credits that will make you roll your eyes in disgust. Or laugh. You might laugh... Do I need to say anymore? No? Good.