Blood, boobs, clever kill scenes, and a killer out for revenge because they were wronged so many years ago? That was good stuff. Usually.
The good girl always lives, the whore always dies... but then again so does the bitch, the fat guy, the plain chick, and most of the time the plain, nice guy too. Twist endings were fun back then, and didn't feel like some sort of shitty gimmick, and would at least set up a sequel or something. They were all shallow and exploitative, perhaps, but they were loads of fun anyway.
Well, you can throw all of that shameless fun out the window, because this remake of House On Sorority Row is devoid of anything redeemable. Soroity Row was talked up as being "a return to the glory days of old school Slasher flicks," which is pretty much a lie. Off-screen kills with little blood or gore; VERY little shameless nudity or sex; characters that ALL deserve to die painfully; a sorry script that made us both laugh and cry at the same time; and an ending filled with three "twists" that all sucked.
Oh yeah, and we also get Carrie Fisher showing up to collect a paycheck. My, how Princess Leia has fallen.
|Now throw it with deadly accuracy, random college chick!|
This is exactly the kind of genre movie that deserves genre hate, with its glossy, empty veneer and crowd-cheating jump scares. How do you mess up the concept of a bunch of hot, slutty coeds taking showers, having sex, and being sliced and diced? You can't, because it's a no-brainer!
Let me give you a quick rundown: there's a chick named Chuggs... what kind of douche-baggery is that?; College chicks are portrayed as mentally challenged, slutty, evil, plotting harpies... forget that one, because it's not too far from the actual truth; there's a tire iron with a knives on it that can be thrown with deadly accuracy down long hallways and easily bury itself right in the middle of someones forehead; we get bodies that don't immediately tumble over when a tire iron with knives on it is thrown with deadly accuracy down a long hallway and easily buries itself right in the middle of their head forehead; there's a lame, "fake" twist, followed by an even more lame "real" twist, and then yet another twist before the credits that will make you roll your eyes in disgust. Or laugh.
Do I need to say anymore? No? Good.
Sorority Row is that it's horrendous, and if you waste your time and money seeing it, then shame on you.
This movie can suck it.