Review: The Graves (2010)

Cast Members of Note- Jillian "yum yum" Murray and Clare "I'd do her even if she had a penis" Grant play the Graves, and genre veterans Bill Moseley, Tony Todd and Amanda Wyss play creepy people.

The Graves sisters are a pair of hot, sassy riot grrrls that are having a last weekend of fun together before the oldest sister, Megan (mmm), goes off and leaves innocent little Abby behind in favor of a job in another city. How cold is that? You know that Abby can't survive on her own. She's too sweet and vulnerable and... Oh hey, I really like your shirt. Is that an extra small?

I dare you to look at anything other than her boobs. Even her sister is checking them out on the sly!

... and so they drive off into the Arizona desert together (?) and become lost. Instead of turning around and trying to figure out where the hell they are, they decide to pull over at the old abandoned Skull City mines which is now a tourist attraction (??), pay $7 each, and take the tour. Huh??? Who does that? Maybe you stop at a strip club when you're lost, to ask for directions. Maybe. Even then you'd better have a few hundred dollars on you for... I'm getting sidetracked again...

Taking the tour of Skull City doesn't seem like such a fun idea now, does it girls?

... and of course the mine is run by a group of homicidal and quirky maniacs who quickly set upon the girls intent on killing them, because they answer to a higher power that demands it. That's really the whole thing in a nutshell; Hot, dumb chicks travel to the middle of the desert, tour a makeshift murder complex, and suffer for their blunder.

"How you liking the tour, bitch?"

A battle for survival ensues the likes of which you've seen dozens and dozens of times before in cheesy Horror flicks. Hundreds even. Will the girls survive Skull City? What in the hell is rocking in that chair? Will Bill Moseley ever get tired of playing twisted and witty psychopaths? I don't know. All I really want to know is when is Clare Grant going to do porn? Even soft-core. I'm not picky.

"Question my career choices again, Horror-Boy, and I'll bleed you dry with a fucking butter knife."

Aside from most of this movie being an overly familiar and run-of-the mill Survival Horror flick, I did really like the whole invisible "higher power" thing. They didn't really focus on that aspect of the movie much, which may be why it intrigued me so much. I want to know if it was a Demon, spirit, or just an invisible guy that likes being worshiped. I guess we will find out in the sequel? Yes, "Return to Skull City" is happening.

Jillian Murray and Clare Grant. Sure, you know I'm going to say how hot they are, talk about their boobs, and make some sort of sexual innuendo in an attempt to be clever, but wait, there's more... they can actually act. In fact, their on screen charisma was about all that saved this movie from being unwatchable at times.

Genre veterans Bill Moseley and Tony Todd make an appearance here, playing the same characters they normally do, only not as interesting. Still, it's always fun to watch Bill, and I love Candyman, so Tony Todd is cool with me too. And what a surprise to see Amanda Wyss (Tina from the original A Nightmare on Elm Street) in this one. And is that the singer from Lamb of God playing one of the town psychos? This movie is packed with odd cameos. Neat.

"We did good?"

Wow, is that Tina from A Nightmare on Elm Street? How old is she now? I was all about her back when I was a hormone-filled 14-year-old, and she wasn't... 52? 55 maybe? Such a shame. Hot or not ladies, this is what happens to you all, so make sexy hay while the dirty sun shines, because someday you will be not hot anymore.

At least she's still hot.

If I'm ever hopelessly lost in the middle of a desert, the LAST thing I'm doing is stopping at a place called Skull City to see the sights. If you're two lost, hot girls in the middle of nowhere, you don't stop at some place that looks like it exists only to provide a quiet place to "hide the bodies." How fun can it be touring an abandoned Mining Complex anyhow? Now if I ever came across a place called Vagina Village...

Fun trip so far, ladies?

There's some pretty good gore in this one, although CGI blood is really obvious to me and annoys me to no end. Some of the death scenes were pretty cool too, though there weren't a ton of them.

I'm going on record right now as saying that not seeing Clare Grant naked in this movie may be the worst blunder Mankind has ever endured. Ever. It is a travesty to hide what she has with clothes, and not share her Carnal Bounty with us. She's special. Jillian would look good sans shirt too, I'm sure.

Seth Green gets to see those in real life.

"They all beg."

The sisterly bond is very strong. Also, visiting a place called Skull City is never a good idea.

Yummy.

This is a barely average flick that was made watchable thanks to its talented and hot lead actresses. Had it not been for Clare Grant and Jillian Murray, this would have been another one of those movies that made a lot of us hit the FF button on the DVD player, or stop it all together. It's a mindless good time, and if you don't mind seeing the same old thing that you've seen plenty of times before, then you may just enjoy it. Just be prepared for an odd feeling of DEJA VU.

C-

What can I even say about Clare Grant, other than I think I'd watch her in just about anything. *Addendum: Apparently Clare Grant is now married to Seth Green, so, good for her.

Also, Jillian Murphy is fairly sexilicious as well.