Review: Sorority Row (2009)

Remember when Slasher flicks used to be fun? You know, a bunch of hot teenage chicks and dumb teenage guys would be brought together in a secluded locale for whatever reason, and then find themselves systematically picked off in bloody, painful ways?

Blood, boobs, clever kill scenes, and a killer out for  revenge because they were wronged so many years ago... That was good stuff. Usually.

The good girl always lives, the whore always dies... but then again so does the bitch, the fat guy, the plain chick, and most of the time the plain, nice guy too. Twist endings were fun back then, and didn't feel like some sort of shitty gimmick, and would at least set up a sequel or something. They were all shallow and exploitative, perhaps, but they were loads of fun anyway. They were like forbidden fruit.

Check out that forbidden fruit.

Well, you can throw all of that shameless fun out the window, because this remake of House On Sorority Row is devoid of anything redeemable. Soroity Row was talked up as being "a return to the glory days of old school Slasher flicks," which is pretty much a lie. Off-screen kills with little blood or gore; VERY little shameless nudity or sex; characters that ALL deserve to die painfully; a sorry script that made us both laugh and cry at the same time; and an ending that gave us three "twists," all of which sucked.

Oh yeah, and we also get Carrie Fisher showing up to collect a paycheck. My, how Princess Leia has fallen.

Now throw it with deadly accuracy, random college chick!

Recently I've been harsh on flicks like Twilight and H2, which were both abysmal in their own way, but at least they got some things right; Twilight, as pathetic as it all is, at least stayed true to what it was aiming for; and H2, while making me want to throw a sleeping child over a cliff, at least had some cool gore, and it managed to get at elast a few Horror elements right... Sorority Row though, just took a crap on the floor of the genre, rolled around in it, and then had the gall to ask us for a hug.

This is exactly the kind of genre movie that deserves genre hate, with its glossy, empty veneer, and it's crowd-cheating jump scares. How do you mess up the concept of a bunch of hot, slutty coeds taking showers, having sex, and being sliced and diced? You can't, because it's a no-brainer!

Such wasted potential...

Let me give you a quick rundown: there's a chick named Chuggs... what kind of douche-baggery is that?; College chicks are portrayed as mentally challenged, slutty, evil, plotting harpies... forget that one, because it's not too far from the actual truth; there's a tire iron with a knives on it that can be thrown with deadly accuracy down long hallways and easily bury itself right in the middle of someones forehead; we get bodies that don't immediately tumble over when a tire iron with knives on it is thrown with deadly accuracy down a long hallway, and easily buries itself right in the middle of their head forehead; there's a lame, "fake" twist, followed by an even more lame "real" twist, and then yet another twist before the credits that will make you roll your eyes in disgust. Or laugh.

Do I need to say anymore? No? Good.

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In summary, all I can say about Sorority Row is that it's horrendous, and if you waste your time and money seeing it, then shame on you.

This movie can suck it.

When not even a gaggle of ill-behaved Hotties are enough to save a cheap Horror flick, you know you're in trouble.