Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

"The new benchmark in "WTF?!?!" Horror Cinema."

In Attendance- Me, Erin, Vanilla Gorilla, and Lori. Nick was not allowed.
Cast Members of Note- Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura.

There's really no other way to say this and remain polite about it, so here goes... this movie is about two hot chicks and an Asian dude being forced to go ass-to-mouth. It's not the happy kind of ATM that you see in your average Porn movie either, no, this version of ATM involves a surgical procedure, some strong thread, hate, a loss of appetite, and tears. Plenty of tears.

That's actually rain. The tears come later.

Lindsay and Jenny are two hot, dumb, annoying, typical American bimbos who for some reason are on vacation and looking for a party in Germany. Naturally, the best way to find a party in Der Hinterland is to drive the back roads and hope for the best. A huge lack of brain power and one blown tire later, the girls find themselves on a long walk through the dark, creepy woods, where they happen upon the house of the creepiest doctor that has ever lived. Surely, he will call them a cab, right?

"Nein! Es wird kein Taxi für Sie geben!"

Herr Doctor, you see, has a plan; in honor of his hatred for mankind, and his disturbingly creepy love for his "sweet 3-hound", he decides to drug the girls, throw in an Asian guy, and sew them together, ass-to-mouth, to create the world's first Siamese Triplet. This will hopefully change the human genetic code forever, since humans suck, I guess? How insane do you have to be to even conceive such an idea, let alone try to bring it to life?

Take a second and look at the drawing in this picture, and think about what is really going on here. It's like he's making a human shit train!

From here on out, the movie goes to a places that made even me nervous. Will the Human Centipede learn to work together, and make it up the stairs? Will there be an "Angry Dragon" (Google that, but be warned that it's nasty) involving poop? Does the middle section of the centipede truly have it worse that the caboose? I don't know about all that, but I'm dying to find out how they're going to pull off a sequel.

Why so serious?

If nothing else, this movie delivers on the simple promise of any good Horror movie; it was horrifying. We were all pretty uncomfortable watching The Human Centipede, and more than once we found ourselves looking at each other instead of the nasty shenanigans that were happening on screen... and we love our blood and gore. This movie really took blood and gore to a different level though, and at times, was an extremely tough watch.

Martyrs, Inside, Baby Blues, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer... these movies all left us feeling dirty and disturbed in the past, but I dare say the residue of this movie feels worse. The concept in and of itself is insanely disturbing, as well as pretty damned original, and the execution is stark and intense, even alongside the elements of black comedy which are present. When I say black comedy, don't get me wrong, this one isn't played for laughs at all. You can see a bit of nasty wit here and there though. 

The Human Centipede makes a crawl for it!

I have to give mad props to the actors in this one too. First and foremost, Dieter Laser does an amazing job at playing the insane and uber-creepy Dr. Heiter. His eyes alone have so much intensity that had he not spoke at all, he would have still been unnerving. As for the three actors who made up the Human Centipede (Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura), to even sign on to play roles like this earns my respect. I'd even go so far as to call them brave; naked and attached to each others asses... that's got to mess with your mind a bit.

So, dumb American bimbos, not only do you drive the back roads of rural Germany in search of some happening club, leave the main road and tread through the creepy forest in the dead of night after you get as flat tire (that you can't figure out how to change), but you enter the house of a guy who may be the creepiest person that has ever lived, and don't take the 523 hints that he drops telling you to run away as fast as you can? You kinda deserve what you get. Bimbos.

Run!

At the moment when the head of the Human Centipede, Katsuro, yells " I have to shit!" in Japanese, I swore off of food for three days. After seeing what came next, I changed my mind and decided to make it five. I'm still not eating peanut butter or deviled ham.

Raping them would have been more humane.

Faces sewn to buttholes, faces ripping away from said buttholes, oozing infections, anal blood licking, mouth pooping, surgical procedures, gun violence... this movie is absolutely not for the squeamish.

We get to see Ashley and Ashlynn fully naked, but the creepiness of this film wouldn't allow us to enjoy it at all. We also get to see Dieter Laser's goods, which hindered our libido even further.

"Um, is that old man taking off his pants?"

"Feed her!" Ugh.

How many times do I have to say it... stay the hell off of the back roads of Europe! Also, all German Doctors are inherently creepy.

Why is it always the Germans?

I may never want to watch it again for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a great movie, or that Horror fans everywhere shouldn't see it for themselves. It's a nasty one, full of all sorts of disturbing images and ideas/ideals that will most likely burn themselves deep into your subconscious, and randomly haunt you or make you gag as long as you may live... but at least it was original, fresh, and delivers the Horror goods. Catch it now on VOD if you can.

A

The Human Centipede is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

This is Ashley C. Williams, and I would be a part of her Human Centipede any day. Not really, but she's hot enough to at least make me lie and say that I would. Maybe we could form a "Pucker-Ring Porcupine" or a "Meat Curtain Llama" or something instead. I'm pretty open-minded like that.