October 8, 2009

Review: Tormented (2009)

"Take one part Tamara, one part Skins, and add in a dash of hot British totty, and you have Tormented."

Cast Members of Note- Alex Pettyfer, April Pearson, Dimitri Leonidas, Calvin Dean, and Tuppence Middleton.

This movie is about a fat, geeky kid named Mullet, and how the snotty, sexy, popular kids at school tease and ridicule him so much, that he kills himself. Sounds like a sweet little coming of age story doesn't it? Don't worry, because Mullet gets his revenge by coming back from the grave and teaching them all a well-deserved, bloody lesson! 

Don't they just look like they deserve to be brutally killed?
To add to all of that, a nice girl named Justine, turns on her friends, sleeps with one of the cool kids, and becomes snotty and popular by injection. Unfortunately for her, Mullet was in love with her before he offed himself, and once the jerk kids start getting picked off one by one, not even she is safe for long. She deserves what she gets anyways. They all do! Bloody and painful revenge-oriented death ensues.

"Mullet mad!"
Will Mullet have his revenge? Will Justine see the error of her ways and return to her non-popular roots? Is there anything hotter than British Schoolgirls? I won't spoil what comes next here other than to say they all really had it coming, and by the end, even sweet little Justine deserves a painful death too.

"I am awesome possum!" No you are not.
This was an above average Teen Thriller, filled with hot chicks, very gory (and in some cases clever) kills, and was fairly enjoyable to sit through. The characters are annoying for the most part, and the story is absolutely cliche, but that's not why we watch these movies for the most part, now is it? Chicks and blood; those are the things we seek from these tween thrillers, and this movie delivers both. If you like the mindless, glossy, teen slasher flicks of the modern era, you will like this one as well. If not, you should run now.

In England, attractive schoolgirls lick each other all the time. That is a FACT.
What's up with the popular kids always being such dicks? You'd figure if you had looks, money, style, or whatever, that you'd be nicer, happy to have the good shit, right? Nope. I mean sure, ugly people are fun to laugh at, and it's always a hoot to see people cry in shame, but can't we be a bit more subtle about it people? Maybe send them a private note that says "You should kill yourself, loser" or "Stop eating and kill yourself, loser" and save them the public humiliation.

Look like she made a grave error. Zing!
Chavs. I know I've mentioned them before, but they haven't gotten any less infuriating, now have they? I dare you to look at that picture below and not punch your monitor. 

For the sake of humanity itself, please stop.
Cross impaling, drowning, iron gate impaling, castration, decapitation, pencil violence, bleeding stumps, some nasty eye popping (and then popping back in) violence, a berserk horse that nips everybody in the face... this one has a bunch of gore, and it's definitely the wet and messy kind.  

Now that is cool.
There are some sex scenes, but nil as far as the nudity goes. It's a waste of some prime British totty if you ask me, and especially April Pearson. She is special, special, special.

"You're a batty boy!"

Popular kids suck and deserve to die. Also, never pick on the fatty. 

God bless school uniforms.
This was fun, even if it was flawed and mildly trite. The blood, violence, and sexy people make up for the lack of originality though, and there are far worse ways to spend an hour and a half.


Tormented is available now on on DVD.


These lovely ladies torment our pants.


  1. Tuppence and Sapphic love? I'm there :D

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