DVD Review: The Thaw (2009)

"This movie gave me the creepy-crawlies."

Cast Members of Note- Val Kilmer, Martha MacIssac, and Aaron Ashmore (I didn't know Shawn had a twin!)

When the polar icecaps begin to melt (thanks to global warming), mankind summons Val Kilmer to go teach them a lesson... for daring to recede! That's right, he fights the arctic icecap! If you've ever seen Heat or Tombstone, you know that he's tough enough to do it; the guy is Iceman for pete's sake, what can't he do except control Maverick and his dangerous fly-by's?

"Maverick!"

Well, he apparently can't fight off the man-eating parasites that pop out of a newly thawed Woolly Mammoth, that's what, and so he makes his daughter and some college students fight them off for him. Or is there more to it than that? Dun, dun, dun! One by one the parasites burrow into the stranded students, lay eggs in them, and then rip them open and eat them... and they're stranded in the Arctic wilderness, helpless to do anything about it.

"Wipe that stuff off of my mouth and kiss me before I explode!"

Why did nature leave a parasite booby-trap hidden in the ice for us? Is the world doomed? Will Val Kilmer land a starring role in anything that isn't Direct-to-DVD ever again? I won't spoil what comes next for you here, but suffice it to say that this one has a happy ending! Just kidding. It doesn't.

No happy.

If this movie doesn't give you the willies, I don't know what will. The thought of prehistoric parasites coming back to haunt and destroy mankind is chilling enough, but to see them swarming, burrowing, laying eggs in us and eating us... nasty. This is a Direct-to-DVD movie, make no mistake about it, but it's effective and enjoyable, and that's all we can really ask of any movie.

Also, Val Kilmer rules. You know I'm right.

Oh good luck with that one brainiac.

Man is destroying the earth... everything is melting... Mother Nature won't stand for our careless actions anymore... Global Warming will kill us all if we don't stop driving cars and using hairspray... We get it already! Maybe instead of preaching to us, you could go hug a tree and continue to not shower, damn Hippies.

Why does one person always lose their mind in these movies? And why do the other people around them not grab the gun from said person when they're unconscious? You know why I'd live through most Horror movies? Because I'd shoot the irrational, panicked, "I can't take this shit anymore!" guy, thus eliminating half of the drama that they create.

Parasites under skin, puking, puking blood, bodies incubating parasites, pissing blood, puking up of insides, meat cleaver surgery... yeah, it's plenty gory.

Is this The Dharma Initiative?

  

Martha MacIssac strips naked, but it's not really a sexy kind of strip, so no.

Fire is Nature's insect repellent. Also, Nature hates us.

Internet porn? Now?!?

This is a solid, creepy little movie that will make you squirm and flinch, especially if you don't like bugs. Check it out when you get the chance.

B-

The Thaw is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Martha MacIsaac in this.