December 31, 2015

The Worst of 2015!

Let's face it, 2015 was a lackluster year for movies. For every good one that we got, there was an equally bad one right behind it, and many of the year's "average" films shamelessly blurred the line between passable and unacceptable. We enjoy ripping apart the shitty movies that we are forced to endure about as much as we like watching them; which is to say not very much, but it's something that we have to do, on both counts.

The following movies are the ones that irked us the most in 2015; some because they underwhelmed, others because they were just unequivocally horrible. No matter the reason, they were painful to endure, and we're here to share that pain with you... hopefully so that you can avoid experiencing it for yourselves. We're humanitarians, you see.

*Be sure to read our reviews of each movie (when available), as they provide more in-depth reasoning as to why these movies were so painful to watch.

This movie is supposed to be a Slasher flick, I suppose, but in the end it's really no more than a mean-spirited remake of The Babysitters Club, except in this one, the babysitters are all socially retarded asshole kids who get stabbed to death at the end.

What a bunch of pretentious, faux-artsy, ridiculous shit this movie was. An exercise in style over substance, #Horror tried to be a socially-relevant indictment of Social Media culture, which I suppose it was at its core, but it was such a sloppy mess of a movie that we didn't really care all that much about what it was trying to say.

What a waste of good actors and overall potential.

The movie just doesn't have any life to it. Neither the story nor the performances are particularly compelling, and yet we watched it all intently. It's like a gorgeous girl in a coma; damn she's pretty to look at, but she just lies there, and she doesn't do much except exist. And occasionally, drool.

The more we think about this one, the more it irks the hell out of us. As talented as Tyler Shields is, we're not sure what he thought he was doing with this movie. It says nothing, it does very little, and if it wasn't for the fact that its visuals were so pretty, it wouldn't have much reason to exist at all.

Abigail Breslin is way better than this.

A movie so bad that we didn't even have the desire to sit down and criticize it in a review, The Gallows is devoid of creativity, originality, scares, and anything else that would make it a worthwhile watch. Found Footage movies often test our patience with their tired mechanics, but this one didn't even have so much a story that made much sense, to make us look past the tropes that we've grown to hate.

If you've never seen a Horror movie before, this one might scare you in all the right ways. For anyone else though, it will most likely either make you laugh or cry. Or both.

Ghoul's biggest problem was that it tried to do too much. It complicated things by complicating things, if that makes any sense. Was it about cannibalism, Serial Killers, ghosts, or Demonic possession? Yes! It's about all of those things, but not enough about any of them to make for a very coherent story.

Oh look, another Found Footage movie, and one that makes such a jumbled mess of its story, that we're still not even sure what it was really about.  "A world-famous serial killing cannibal whose spirit returns to make people eat each other, so that he can be reborn through the pregnant chick of the group, so that he may live to kill again." Right.

Movies like this make us wish that the entire Found Footage sub-genre would just go away. Forever.

Verne Troyer was actually pretty good as the Gnome, but the movie really didn't give him much to do other than look silly. In addition giggling maniacally every time he's on-screen, the Gnome's go-to moves seem to be sticking his tongue out and wagging it around, and stretching his arms like he wants a hug. A tiny, tiny, little hug.

I get that cheesy, schlocky, B-grade Horror flicks like this need to exist; sometimes we need movies that are silly and fun, and sometimes, we need movies that are unintentionally so. Sometimes, we get movies like Gnome Alone that lack any sort of charm or wit, and that make us want to punch something while watching them.

This movie made us wish we were watching one of the Leprechaun movies instead, and that's not saying much at all.

When you look at someone like Bree Olson, who is a Porn Star by trade, and think "she's actually pretty good in this," then you know something is really wrong. That's no knock on her specifically, but she's not "really" an actress, and she was a standout here.

Where the first Human Centipede (as disgusting as it was) was a subversive treat, and the second one was a shameless splatter-fest that at least made an effort, this third and hopefully final entry in the series shows us that Tom Six has absolutely gone off the rails; as in he sucks at filmmaking, and is so far up his own ass with whatever it is that he's trying to do as an "artist" that we have to imagine that he's fucking with us on purpose.

What a horrible movie.

Had the Femme Fatales been portrayed as mentally unhinged nutcases who were out to hurt people to feed some deeper need, this movie would have probably worked way better. For the most part though, Genesis and Bel behaved like retarded teenage girls who were all jacked-up on speed, screaming wildly and breaking things, and acting like they hadn't taken their Ritalin in a few weeks. There was really no point to what they were doing.

The more we see from Eli Roth, the more we question just how good of a filmmaker he really is. Knock Knock is a remake of a really obscure 70's flick, and as sexy as it was here and there, it wasn't really any better of a film. I could honestly say that the original, which wasn't very good at all, was better.

Watching Keanu Reeves try to act in this one was truly painful at times, and we really like the guy.

And honestly, how fear-inspiring is Andy Dick's whiny, nasally, twat-like voice supposed to be?   What in the hell was this movie doing? 

No movie this year, not even the abysmal Human Centipede 3, pissed us off as much as L.A. Slasher did. 80's Slasher movies, which this one was clearly on the dick of, at least knew how to entertain us, and gave us some great kill scenes and other visually gratuitous things to enjoy. This movie didn't really give us anything other than a headache though.

I'm almost positive that Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 had more going for it that this tripe did.

We can bitch and moan all we want to, but until the day comes when people stop paying to see remakes, and reboots, and re-whatevers, and instead start spending their money on more "original" properties, they are never going to stop.

Bland, pedestrian, and devoid of any of the qualities that made the original such a great Haunted House flick, this Poltergeist remake is about as frightening as a kitten attacking a ball of yarn... and this movie should have been frightening, at the very least.

What a waste of time and energy.

2015 gave us plenty of other bad movies of varying degrees, and here are some of the ones that struck the worst kind of chord with us. Feel free to click through to the reviews if you'd like to know why.

CurseDark SummerDrownsExeterHarbingerHellionsHiveMuckNightlightRecTreeUn


  1. The Gallows was bad. Felt like they had a seed of a plot, but the more the movie went on, the more impatient I got with it. Too many shots of the floor.

  2. I agree about the Gallows. Not to mention, the shaky cam actually gave me motion sickness. What an awful experience altogether.

  3. I thought the new REC was pretty decent

    1. It wasn't bad as its own movie, but as a conclusion to a series that started out so strong, it was pretty bad.