A VOD Picturebook Review: Pernicious (2015)

Pernicious is the story of three hot American dimwits who travel to Thailand for the Summer, to teach the local children. I'm not sure what they're going to teach them, since none of these "teachers" speak Thai, but that's neither here nor there.

When they arrive at the house that they'll be staying at, they find a creepy gold state of a little girl, under what looks like a sheet that has been painted with some kind of protection ward. Of course they remove the sheet, and touch the statue, which basically spells their doom.

After a day of shopping, and a night of clubbing -in which they pick up three dudes and get themselves roofied- things take a turn for the worse, and it quickly becomes clear that the spirit that was inside of the gold statue is out for blood. Preferably, stupid American blood.

A low-budget Torture Porn infused mash-up of The Grudge and mid-90's Cinemax Soft Core Porn ensues. *The Soft-Core Porn part is nudity-free, by the way. Sorry.

OH DON'T WORRY, FONG, WE WON'T TELL ANYONE. WE PROMISE.

Pernicious is a low-budget movie that makes the most out of what it has to work with. The Thai locations are gorgeous, it's competently shot, it offers some decent gory bits, and most importantly, it features a trio of gorgeous leading ladies for us to ogle. It even borders on being genuinely creepy at times; the scene where the guys are slowly tortured to death was quiet, disturbing, and really cool. The gore was pretty off the hook in this one.

Unfortunately, Pernicious is also a movie with a predictable storyline, lame characters, and at times, it boasts some laughable dialogue. The acting is not the greatest either. It also drags a bit in the middle. So basically, it's not perfect, but it's watchable in that shameless, guilty pleasure sort of way. Had the movie been as gratuitous with the nudity as it was with the gore, it would have been a Guilty Pleasure of the highest order. Talk about missed opportunity...

It's hard to review a "smaller" movie like this and not rip it apart so instead of decrying its shortcomings to no end, let's take a quick peek at Pernicious, utilizing our Trademarked (?!?) Picture Book Format!

NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS.

YEP, TIME TO LEAVE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD AND TOUCH IT, DUMMY. GREAT IDEA.

"UM, WE DON'T SPEAK THAI-NESE."

THAT'S RIGHT, LICK IT CLEAN.

OR, YOU KNOW, WIPE IT ON YOUR CHEST. YOUR CALL.

EYE VIOLENCE IS NEVER FUN!

THEN AGAIN, NEITHER IS TONGUE VIOLENCE.

JELL-O SHOTS ARE WEIRD IN THAILAND...

... ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE A MESSY EATER.

OR MAYBE... MAYBE SHE'S TRYING TO GET DRUNK THROUGH HER SKIN?

SHOWER ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL STILL BE FILTHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE, BUT IT SHOULD HAVE INVOLVED LESS CLOTHING.

WORST ORAL SEX SCENE EVER!

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

In the end, Pernicious is a movie that is pleasing on a visual level, but is easily forgettable in just about every other way. The script isn't great, and neither is the acting, but it does deliver on the blood and babes aspect of things, even if the babes stay way-too-clothed for this type of low-budget Horror flick.

If you like your Horror movies cheap and simple, then you'll probably dig this one. Just know going in that it isn't perfect. We're giving this one a generous C-, based on eye candy alone.

C-

Pernicious is available now on VOD.  

The Ladies of Pernicious: Ciara Hanna, Emily O'Brien, Jackie Moore, and Sara Malakul Lane. You go ahead and decide which one is hottest.