October 30, 2013

31 Days of Millennium Hotties- Amber Heard

Sure, she's only been in a handful of Horror movies thus far in her career, but have you seen her? She is seriously one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood, and I'm pretty sure that she would do it on the first date too. I mean why wouldn't she? She owes it to the men of the world to dish out as much pleasure as she can before she gets too old and becomes not hot. That's why she was born. So far, she's doing a great job!

Here she is, wiping Johnny Depp off of her mouth after their first date. Told ya.
She started out in a really awful vampire movie called SideFX, but she rebounded nicely with the underground cult hit, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane. In Mandy Lane, she reminded us all just what it meant to be sexy, and she used her boobs to do it.... and her pouty, soft little mouth... and those bedroom eyes...  and a shotgun.

Turns out that Mandy Lane was a teasing little whore! No really, she actually was.

That's what you get for being a tease!
For the next three years she stayed away from Horror, instead taking naughty parts in movie such as Alpha Dog, The Beautiful Ordinary, Never Back Down, Pineapple Express, and The Informers. In these movies, she smoked weed, did coke, drank, had sex, had threesomes, got naked, did karate, got aids, and convincingly acted like she would actually date Seth Rogen.

Amazing work, all of it. Especially the Seth Rogen bit.

We know you were just acting, Amber. Relax,
In 2009 though, she leaped back into the Horror fray playing an undead romantic interest in Zombieland (which was a top-notch flick), and the Jailbait girlfriend of a terrorized kid in The Stepfather (which was a top-notch shit pile.)

In breaking news, she will be playing my Jailbait girlfriend in my own production of Escape From my Bedroom if You Can. I'm just waiting on the chloroform to get here. Just kidding, Amber! (If you get in the van when I tell you, chloroform won't be necessary.)

Ok, so she's less hot here, but what a fun role!
As far as The Ward and And Soon the Darkness go, they were alright movies, but neither really lived up to their potential, especially The Ward; mainly because John Carpenter is capable of much better. Still, Amber shined in both movies, by getting nearly naked and screaming a lot.

Horror-wise, Many Lane is her true crowning achievement, but Drive Angry comes pretty damn close. Drive Angry was an absurd, crazy, awesome Road Revenge movie in which Nic Cage escapes from hell to save his daughter from creepers. Along the way, some crazy shit goes down -like a slow-motion gun fight in the middle of a sex scene- but the best antics come from Amber Heard's character; the girl is sassy and tough in this one, and she wears a pair of short shorts better than anyone else in recent memory.

Happiest. Car Seat. Ever.
I love how she's pressing forward with her career (most of the time in skimpy clothes, mind you), all the while making sure that the Horror genre gets its yearly fix of her hot ass. She may never be a modern day Jamie Lee Curtis, but she still represents Horror well, and looks extremely good while doing it.

"Let's trade bottoms and fart in them! LOL!" *This scene still perplexes me.
As long as Amber Heard stays hot and keeps starring in movies that interest us, she should have a long and healthy career. Then again, I guess she could just marry Johnny Depp and live of of his billions, and say screw her career... I'm pretty sure he'd let her have girlfriends on the side.

Either way, Amber Heard is our girl, and will always be a true Horror Hottie.

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