Quick Review: The Last Resort (2009)

"A Bachelorette weekend goes awry when the girls are robbed, stranded, and forced to take shelter in a deserted Mexican resort that is haunted by the unspeakable atrocities of past."

The poster for this movie is totally awesome (though the image is nowhere in the film, not even close), but the movie is total shit. Anyone having anything to do with the making of the movie Turista's should hunt the makers of this POS down, and tea-bag them into unconsciousness; not only for ripping them off, but for doing it so poorly.

It's not an exact ripoff, but it comes close enough to ripoff territory before it takes its own turn by introducing the evil motel that makes everyone evil, which makes them eat each other and overact. Seeing that the movie clocked in at a whopping 1 hr, 9 minutes should have been my big clue to stay the hell away.

This movie is DOA.

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about MOVIE NAME HERE:

America Olivo.

Other hot chicks.

What is that crazy doll doing?!?

Even more hot chicks.

The naked musical numbers.

America Olivo is in this.

Quick Review: StagKnight (2007)

"Stagknight is derived from the uncensored lusty straight-to-Drive-In horrors of the 70's and 80's. Set deep in dark mythical English woods Stagknight presents a uniquely stupid look at this genre through the cracked "Weekend Warriors" paintball team. This is mansville not boytown on a blow-out bachelor paintball weekender bender of dirty tricks, hot babes and truly splatter-tastic medieval kills to die for."

It's too goofy to be serious, and too painfully unfunny to be a comedy; whatever StagKnight is supposed to be, "clumsy fucking mess" seems to sum it up the best.

Have you ever seen a handicapped child slipping down a set of icy stairs? This movie is less funny than that. Fine, that would actually be pretty funny (in a  horrible, "I'm going to hell" kind of way), but you get my point. Fart jokes, shit jokes, half-assed Predator-like FX from the evil Knight's point of view, poor acting, a ridiculous script, and the worst BJ scene EVER! "Now get those teeth out, Granny!" WTF?!?!

The two main chicks were hot though. That was at least nice.

Yeah. Right.

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about MOVIE NAME HERE:

Them.

Them again.

Her.

Them, yet again.

And this blow-up doll... because it just didn't give a shit!

Jocelyn Osorio and Danielle Mason are in this.

Quick Review: The Crypt (2009)

"Six young criminals break into hidden catacombs and attempt to steal jewels, but some inhabitants are guarding the precious belongings. After being trapped in this dark maze of crypts, the group tries to escape alive."

At the point when a female crook watches her 12-year-old brother take a bullet to the brain, then promptly attends a her crimey-crew's meeting to discuss their next "job," I hated this movie, and that wasn't even 10 minutes in.

It's a shame too, because the opening sequence was pretty damned cool.

Scary!

• This movie struck me as a LOW RENT version of The Descent; only in this one, everything sucks.
• What's with the cut-to-black that happens every 5 minutes or so? Is it to trick our minds into thinking that The Crypt is over, and a real movie is beginning?
• "I have the biggest and easiest job of the century for us." Someone actually wrote that line.
• The acting is abysmal here too.
• Why was the kid who got shot never talked about or referenced, again? Then again, the entire plot made little sense, why am I even bitching?

Never watch the dailies while you're still shooting, because sometimes, they hurt.

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about MOVIE NAME HERE:

*We didn't actually like anything about this movie, but here are five random pics anyway...

The ladies of The Crypt.

Theatrical Review: Halloween 2 (2009)

This review is as poorly written and as disjointed as the movie was, so I'm sorry if it's a bit "off." My desire to put any more effort into this POS movie is gone, but read on. You'll still get the gist.

In Attendance- Me, Machine, and about 6 other people.
Cast Members of Note- Mostly the same as the first one, plus a whole bunch of new random cameos by washed up actors.

*Everything from here on out is going to be filled with venom and spoilers. BIG, HUGE SPOILERS. You've been warned. 

H2 picks up where the first one left off, with Laurie having shot Michael at point-blank range in the face with a Magnum (I think it was a Magnum), Loomis having his eyes gouged out, and Annie being near death... except that Michael is alive, Loomis' eyes are fine, and Annie survives. Alright, fine. It's a Horror flick, and I'm fine with just accepting certain things to facilitate a sequel. 

After a "ha, got ya!" dream sequence which negates the best part of the movie, we come to find that our sweet little Laurie has turned into a skanky-looking, dirty, pseudo-dread haired riot grrrl, who hangs with other skanky chicks calling each other "dick-licker," "dude," and just acting annoyingly lame. I guess that's because of what she "went through?" Does everyone who writes young girl characters these days have to make them all sound like totally annoying assholes? Yes Diablo Cody, I am talking to you! 

What is the meaning of this!

So she's living with Annie and her Sheriff Dad out in the deep country of Haddonfield... Laurie is retarded, Annie is bitter and scarred, and the Sheriff is about the only person that doesn't make you instantly wish Michael had finished them all off to begin with. Meanwhile, Michael is a wandering hobo (not even a joke) who roams around fields all day looking like Grizzly Adams' mongoloid son. He also grunts and moans when he's killing people now. Plus, I think he has a psychic homing beacon with which he can track Laurie/Boo/Angel. 

I'm actually shaking my head right now as I write this.

Laurie and Hobo-Mike also share the same "dreams" now, involving their Mom and a young version of Michael, who visits both of them with dream horses in tow, talking about "It's time to come home" and "It's time to finish this." It's all very surreal and pointless. We get that Michael is nuts. We get that Laurie went completely loopy. How about letting the actors show us that by emoting and using their craft, rather than letting some shoddy dream sequence shit do it for them every five minutes?

Shame crept over Buttercup like a blanket of regret, and she realized that no amount of hay and oats was worth this shit.

Loomis completely does a 180 in this one too, going from concerned shrink to absolutely unconcerned author Celebretard without missing a step. He's a douchebag with a capital D for the entire movie, and then in the last 5 minutes he gets bored in his hotel room and rushes to the scene of Michael holding Laurie hostage to "help." 

Come on.

Don't act surprised. You read the script before signing on.

I supported Zombie through all of the House of 1000 Corpses bashing, as I thought it was really good in its own special way. I loved Devil's Rejects. Aside from a few issues, I liked his 2007 Halloween remake. I like his music. So it pains me to say that this movie contained very little along the lines of good. Brad Dourif was really good as the Sheriff, as was Danielle Harris as Annie, but they didn't get enough screen time. Some of the imagery was cool too, such as the pumpkin people dinner thing. I also liked how Zombie shot it in 16mm; that gritty look is just the best.

That's about it though.

This movie could have been great.

The story, the dialogue, the random excuses for Michael to kill, the mostly-poor acting, the evolution of some of the characters... So about 75% of the movie. Maybe even 80%.

For all of his unique vision, Rob Zombie really struggles as a writer, and it shows here in a big way. Honestly, the guy needs to direct something that someone else writes. Especially dialogue-wise.

So deep and creative.

Everything else.  

Especially that ending.

Plenty of gore in this one, as all kinds of random people are thrown into the movie to give Hobo-Mike something to do. 

We do get to see some boobs, but it's nothing big. The movie is laced with a ton of dirty words though, so I guess that's like verbal nudity?

Yes, Brad. We feel the same way.

Well enough should be left alone. Also, we should have gone to see The Final Destination. Yes, we just said that.

Just stop.

I give a lot of leeway with my Horror watching; I love plenty of less-than-stellar movies for many different reasons, and I'm always willing to let some shit go and enjoy the meat of an otherwise poor movie, but this one hurt to watch. I think It hurt because I usually love Rob Zombie and his work so much. 

I give it a D only because there are a few things I liked about it (as mentioned above in "The Good"), but in all reality, it's as much of a "Do Not Want" as I've seen in years. Either way, I won't ever watch it again, and I advise you to go spend your money on something else.

D 

At least Rob Zombie always fills his  movies with Hotties...