August 30, 2009

Quick Rant- Halloween 2 (2009)

This review is as poorly written and as disjointed as the movie was, so I'm sorry if it's a bit "off." My desire to put any more effort into this POS movie is gone, but read on. You'll still get the gist.

Sub-Genre- Slasher/Remake  
In Attendance- Me, Machine, and about 6 other people. 
Cast Members of Note- Mostly the same as the first one, plus a whole bunch of new random cameos by washed up actors. 

*Everything from here on out is going to be filled with venom and spoilers. BIG, HUGE SPOILERS. You've been warned. 

H2 picks up where the first one left off, with Laurie having shot Michael at point blank range in the face with a Magnum (I think it was a Magnum), Loomis having his eyes gouged out, and Annie being near death... except that Michael is alive, Loomis' eyes are fine, and Annie survives. Ok, fine. It's a Horror flick, I'm fine with just accepting certain things to facilitate a sequel. 

After a "ha, got ya!" dream sequence which negates the best part of the movie, we come to find that our sweet little Laurie has turned into a skanky looking, dirty pseudo-dread haired riot grrrl, who hangs with other skanky chicks calling each other "dick-licker", "dude", and just acting annoyingly lame. I guess that's because of what she "went through?" Does everyone who writes young girl characters these days have to make them sound like total annoying assholes? Yes Diablo Cody, I am talking to you! 

So she's living with Annie and her Sheriff dad out in the deep country of Haddonfield... Laurie is a retard, Annie is bitter and scarred, and the Sheriff is about the only person that doesn't make you instantly wish Michael had finished them off to begin with. Meanwhile, Michael is a wandering hobo - honestly- who roams around fields all day looking like Grizzly Adams' mongoloid son. He also grunts and moans when he's killing people now. Plus, I think he has a psychic homing beacon with which he can track Laurie/Boo/Angel

Laurie and Hobo-Mike also share the same "dreams" now, involving their mom and a young version of Michael, who visit both of them with horses, talking about "It's time to come home" and "It's time to finish this." It's all very surreal and pointless. We get that Michael is nuts. We get that Laurie went completely loopy. How about letting the actors show us that by emoting and using their craft rather than using some shoddy dream sequence shit every five minutes.  

Loomis completely does a 180 in this one too, going from concerned shrink to absolutely unconcerned author Celebretard without missing a step. He's a douchebag with a capital D for the entire movie, and then in the last 5 minutes he gets bored in his hotel room and rushes to the scene of Michael holding Laurie hostage to "help." 

Come on.

I supported Zombie through all of the House of 1000 Corpses bashing, as I thought it was really good in its own special way. I loved Devil's Rejects. Aside from a few issues, I liked his 2007 Halloween remake. I like his music. So it pains me to say that this movie contained very little along the lines of good. Brad Dourif was really good as the sheriff, as was Danielle Harris as Annie, but they didn't get enough screen time. Some of the imagery was cool, such as the pumpkin people dinner thing. I also liked how he shot it in 16mm; I love that gritty look. That's about it though.

The story, the dialogue, the random excuses for Michael to kill, the mostly-poor acting, the evolution of some of the characters... So about 75% of the movie. 

For all of his unique vision, Rob Zombie really struggles as a writer, and it shows here in a big way.

Everything else.  

Plenty of gore, as plenty of random people are thrown into the movie to give Hobo-Mike something to do.  

We do get some boobs, but it's nothing big. The movie is laced with a ton of dirty words though, so I guess that's like mouth nudity?

None of them. None of them was best.  

Well enough should be left alone. Also, we should have gone to see The Final Destination.
  
D (4.0/10) I give a lot of leeway with my Horror watching; I love plenty of less-than-stellar movies for many different reasons, and I'm always willing to let some shit go and enjoy the meat of an otherwise poor movie, but this one hurt. I think It hurt because I love Zombie and his work so much. 

I give it a D only because there are a few things I liked about it (as mentioned above in "The Good"), but in all reality, it's as much of a "Do Not Want" as I've seen in years. Either way, I won't watch it again, and I advise you to spend your money on something else.

 No. Just, no.

5 comments :

  1. at least when carpenter was writing halloween, he handed the torch to debra hill to write the "girl" dialogue because he knew his limits. rob zombie just makes girls annoying and gives them potty-mouths. that was the worst thing about the first one and it's even worse in the sequel.

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  2. Agreed Becky. Maybe he's thinking that he's keeping in touch with the spirit of today's girls?

    What a mess.

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  3. I want to support Zombie's efforts, but my inner horror compass just wasn't inspired by H2. I'm glad I trust your reviews and the reviews of others. I can continue my resistance to seeing this and a dreaded H3 sequel.

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  4. Amusingly, as bad as I thought LtR was per our other conversation, I thought this movie worked really well.
    I love batshit-crazy movies, and this was one of them.

    And, most significantly, this movie did something very few horrors actually ever do anymore... IT SCARED ME.

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