This year gave us some pretty bad horror movies, of that there is no doubt. It's hard to put these in order of suck, because an argument can be made for the placement of all of them, whether higher or lower on the list.
The list goes like this: The 10 worst/the movies that were almost the worst/and the movies that were more bad than good. Any movies not listed here were stuck somewhere between good and bad.
1-
The Happening- This movie sucks for so many reasons, that I can't begin to list them all; when a movie is billed as an event like most of
Shaymalananan's are, they need to be better conceived, written, acted and directed. This one was laugh out loud bad, cringe worthy even. I am absolutely a horror/movie snob, but I also love some pretty crappy movies (
Cool as Ice anyone?), so I think I'm more than fair/objective in most cases. When people tell me I'm being too harsh on
The Happening, all I can say is "Go watch it." They can't argue much after that.
2-
Seed-
Uwe Boll films are like AIDS, genocide, and the Emo trend; they all need to be stopped. Now. This movie is horrendous (as if
Michael Pare in the lead role wasn't clue enough for you), and save for one interesting kill scene, it should be burned and peed on. I actually have a cousin who liked
Seed, but then again he's slow in the brain; he licks the cat sometimes. I swear I'll box
Uwe Boll right now if he promises to never make a horror movie again. I'll win too.
3-
Shutter- This movie should be called Shitter, and at least the title would be right. As remakes go, this one was just painfully bad;
Pacey from
Dawson's Creek? The guy has the emotional range of a potato... Seriously, sit and watch a potato for 90 minutes, it's the same thing. That's not to mention the lame jump scares, slow pacing, and lack of atmosphere of the film itself. Again, lame PG-13 fare that suckers teens into the theater, and then laughs in their faces. Could Hollywood at least make crap movies that suck on their own, and leave foreign films that can't accurately be remade alone?
4-
One Missed Call- At this point, it's safe to say that anything starring
Edward Burns is going to suck; he and
Pacey (mentioned above) should have a suck off... not a gay porn type thing, but a contest to see who can suck the most via acting skill. Lock them in a room, let them improv, and stand back and watch the pain until one of them simply stares off into space, never to talk again. The survivor wins, but we all still lose. But, maybe possessed cellphones are your thing, or quick flash scary images, horrible acting, poor scripting, senseless endings... even
Shannyn Sossamon sucked in this. The Asian horror remakes need to stop.
5-
Prom Night- Ok fine, the original
Prom Night isn't one of the greatest classic 80's slashers, but it's hell and gone better than this predictable snooze fest. Another one for the kiddies, this movie is devoid of anything resembling a scare. I did like the hot chicks though, but even they weren't enough to save me from the ridiculous and 100% predictable plot. I know horror of the 80's was fairly predictable too sometimes, but wasn't there more of a payoff back then? Didn't they actually scare us, or gross us out or something?
6-
Wicked Lake- This one deserves to be higher on the list quite frankly, and the only reason that it's not is because cheap b-grade movies aren't supposed to be good. This was just AWFUL. It's like a retarded kid with a walker; sure you want to yell "Move faster crazy legs!" but you don't because he's retarded. You can laugh though, just don't let him hear. This movie isn't even "so bad it's good" bad, it's just painful.
7-
The Eye- Another remake, another bland, lifeless film with hardly anything going for it (not counting
Jessica Alba, she's cool.) This should have been much better, as I loved the original, but it did the worst thing possible; it made me not care. Why Hollywood just doesn't release the originals in theaters, I'll never know. Ok, I do know... American people tend not to like subtitles, and that prevents a movie from making millions at the box office... Then again, this one only made 31 million anyways.
8-
April Fool's Day- I made it half way through this direct to DVD mess, said screw it and walked away... but in the interest of fairness I came back and watched the rest; I barely made it to the end. I know it was direct to DVD, so maybe it should be lower on the list, but bad is bad.
9-
Saw V- This isn't a horrible movie
per se, but it's time for the
Saw series to stop... I mean can you honestly say that the franchise didn't
jump the shark after
Saw III? First of all,
Jigsaw is dead, the entire backbone of the franchise gone, and we're left with
Costas Mandylor as the new evil mastermind? LOL. Sorry, I had to laugh. Second, the plot is so ridiculous, winding, and "surprising", that it's become a parody of itself. The traps are still cool, bloody as ever, but the magic is just gone. No
Jigsaw, no
Amanda, no answers to exactly where
Dr. Gordon is... they're just making them for the sake of making them now, and it's embarrassing.
10-
The Haunting of Molly Hartley- This looked good when I first saw the trailer months ago, but alas, it's just another PG-13 tween crapfest. The ever clever jump scare (used here to excess), wooden and stereotypical characters, a meandering plot that takes forever to get anywhere, the obligatory twist ending (which sucked)... This is a perfect example of Hollywood churning out fluff when they should be pushing the material in the other direction.
Dishonorable Mention-
Pulse 2- Wow, I actually thought the first one was kinda fun, but this one was just bad. Also, part 3 is done and on the way... yeah.
Return to Sleepaway Camp- If the original was a crappy b-grade flick that many of us hold dear because we grew up in the 80's and loved the ending, then this is a crappy D-grade mess. All I have to say is the reveal of the killer and his/her "disguise" is horrendous.
The Lodge- I ended up fast forwarding through most of this.
Zombie Strippers- What was
Robert Englund thinking? Porn whores in a horrible horror flick, that's all this was.
Scourge- I tried to like this, but damn it was so poorly made... I think the film makers really tried, but they didn't quite cut it.
Day of the Dead-
Ving Rhames and
Mena Suvari, both of whom are decent actors, must have had a
heron habit to feed, else why would they have appeared in this straight to DVD suck job? And
Nick Cannon as an action hero? LOL. I had to laugh again.
The Signal- No. Just no. Many praised this one, but it fell FLAT after the first "Act."
Almost Bad:100 Feet- Bland, boring, and not scary at all. A waste of
Famke Janssen.
Diary of the Dead- The first
Romero film I've seen that truly disappointed me.
Feast 2- NOWHERE near the greatness of the first one, and that's saying a lot.
House- The more I see of
Michael Madsen, the more I realize he really can't act.
Lost Boys 2- Not horrendous, but bad enough to be not good. That didn't make any sense at all, did it?
