Review: Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Sub-Genre- Haunting
In Attendance- Me, Chris, Machine and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- Tony "Monk" Shaloub , F. Murray "This is a long way from Oscar" Abraham, Matthew "Not that annoying in this one" Lillard, and Shannon "Please have my babies!" Elizabeth.

The guy who plays Monk on The USA Network lets his wife burn to death (making his children orphans), and then mopes around a whines about it, because he knows he sucks. When his long lost creepy Uncle (the bad guy from Amadeus) dies and leaves him a house in his will, he packs up the kids and tries to escape the memory of the whole wife-murder thing.

"Nice house, Dad, and thanks for killing mom."

So now not only has he killed his wife, but he's moved his family into a house that harbors 13 pissed off ghosts who all want to kill them. Also, they're locked in. Father of the year anyone? Thank god Matthew Lillard shows up to make sense out of everything and save their asses. Yeah, I just said that.

I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that Shannon Elizabeth remains fully clothed for the whole damned movie!

Yeah, you heard us right.

This is one of those movies that was way better than I thought it would be. It actually had some moments of tension and creepiness throughout, some pretty good gore, and even a few hot chicks (although the nudity was sparse.) Even Matthew Lillard, who is normally unbearably horrible for us to have to watch, was pretty decent here.

My favorite thing about this movie was The Jackal; for some reason, that damn ghost just creeped me the hell out... maybe because he reminded me a little of the Demon from The Exorcist.

Creepy as hell.

Seriously, I need to know why Shannon Elizabeth can't get naked in movies anymore? She's obviously just being selfish.

Naked one, kill the clothed one!

Monk? In a Horror movie? Talk about miscast... Also, can Matthew Lillard please stop? Acting, that is.

Please stop.

 

There's some good gore to be had here, although there's not tons of it. The best bit was "The Split." It gets us every time.

We get some cut-up corpse boobs, but nothing from Shannon Elizabeth!

Thank you, Master, now move!

"Did the lawyer split?" or "I guarantee nothing."

Hnnng.

Winning an Oscar does not guarantee you prime work for the rest of your career. Also, sometimes you can't throw stones when you live in a glass house. Literally.

What the hell happened to you, F. Murray?

Thir13en Ghosts is a pretty fun little flick; the premise is interesting, the ghosts are cool, there are a few scares to be had... this isn't a bad rental at all, if you haven't seen it yet.

C+

Thir13en Ghosts is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Thir13en Boners.