Running Commentary Review: The Tourist Trap (1979)

A few quick words: The Tourist Trap is one of the creepiest movies we've ever seen. It looks like it cost about a dollar to make, yet it's got atmosphere and chills to spare. It's also got hot chicks and lots of uber-creepy dolls. Get a hold of this on DVD if you can, and then watch it in the dark....

Start: From the sound of the wacky carnival music playing over the credits, I think were in for a zany, calamity-filled romp of madcap mayhem! Either that, or I may have nightmares so bad that I piss myself in my sleep. Probably the latter.

2:56: Tanya Roberts... yummy. You have to love those 70's-style tube tops.

3:43: Some guy wearing a Gilligan hat is rolling a tire up to an abandoned old service station. Judging by the music playing, he should go right in and say "Hello?" He'll be safe, I'm sure.

4:16: I knew it! "Hello? Can I get some service?" The response you ask? A creepy moan from somewhere in back. He should go check it out.

Dummy.

5:09: Guess what's in the back? A mannequin on a mattress, that sits up and start laughing. The door closes and the windows open, all by themselves. Another mannequin jumps out of the closet! A mannequin head on the floor turns, opens its mouth, and yells. They're all laughing and something has his arm... Seriously, fuck this movie.

9:30: Thank god that Slausen's Lost Oasis is only 4 miles ahead. Sounds legit. Maybe the others can actually find help instead of just some animated dolls that want them dead.

11:08: The car suddenly dies when they arrive at the oasis... that's odd.

12:15: Tanya Roberts has visible pokies!

One of these things is not like the other.

13:04: 3 chicks skinny dipping alert!
 
13:45: I've never fully trusted Chuck Connors.

14:18: Oh crap, it's the old "I used to be successful until the government decided to build that fancy new "highway" speech. They're so screwed.

17:16: Sure, jump in his truck. His tools are at the house, and it's just down the road a piece. By the way, his middle name is Rape.

19:24: Cool, the house is full of mannequins and dolls. I hate this movie.

Just let him look, and maybe he'll let you live.

20:09: "Who lives in that creepy house next door sir?" Oh, nobody except for Davey? This is getting better by the minute. While they guys go off to fix the car, let's go poke around down there, even though creepy Chuck Connors just told us not to. Davey won't mind.

23:11: Eileen, exploring the creepy house next door alone, hears voices inside. They belong of course to two mannequins, who are talking to each other and rocking back and forth. Mannequins are moving by themselves. Then something whispers "Eileen." Why leave though, you dumb bitch, it makes more sense to explore the house and find the source of the whispers, right? More creepy dummies ensue.

 24:16: Living mannequin attack! (complete with Omen-like music and random objects moving by themselves.)

"Hi there, I'm Davey!"

33:19: Tanya Roberts and the other chick are now all alone. the one guy who is still alive "went to town" to get help for his broken car, and Chuck Connors is out "looking" for the missing Eileen... so they decide that investigating the creepy house is a good idea.

35:04: I love how random giggles in a completely dark house don't stop Tanya Roberts from snooping around. Can she please at least get naked before she dies?!?!?

37:41: Tanya is now trapped in a room with living dolls. They are moving around, making things move around, and making creepy as hell noises... and then one tackles her... and she fights back! You go girl!!

You're strong enough to make it out of there, you have fighting spirit... right up until all of the mannequins begin falling on her while they do that God-damned high pitched "aaah" whisper thing. Fuck this movie.

I'm pretty sure she's gonna live.

40:18: Eileen is tied to a table in the basement... They're all captives now, except for the guy from the beginning and the sweet Molly... "Why don't you like me?" what a creepy voice.

43:27: Chuck Connors is bat-shit crazy.

44:50: Eileen's face is being covered in plaster. Davey is taking his time too, talking her through it...
"You'll panic as I seal the lips..."
"And now the eyes...oh your face is burning now..."
"Your world is dark, you'll never see again."
What in the actual fuck?!?

47:23: Jerry breaks free!

48:15: Jerry's caught again.

Who came up with this shit, and how high were they?

51:27: Molly goes in search of her friends. while the giggles in the darkness keep her company. Also, the whispering of her name is comforting to her I'm sure. Shit! Another living mannequin pops up, and chases her while calling out "little girl!" The head it's carrying screams "Molly!" at the same time.

54:36: Thank god, it's Chuck Connors to the rescue! He gives her a gun and tells her to wait while he goes and... Oh shit, he's not helping her at all!

Oh, now you're scared?

1:04:04: Apparently, Molly gets her very own room.

1:06:53: The beginning of the creepy hallway sequence. When the jig is up, dive through the window, and then run into the woods!

1:12:43: And she's finished.

Just stop running. It's over.

1:17:22: The creepy doll yelling begins.

1:21:15: And the truth is revealed... Chuck Connors is bat-shit crazy (as we predicted earlier), and he has no understanding of the law at all.

1:27:20: Axe to the fucking head! That's what I'm talking about. Then she's free to... drive off with her mannequin friends?

We really do love a happy ending.

The End: Wow. I recommend watching that one alone and in the dark. Preferably surrounded by some dolls, if you have them.

WTF did I just watch...

This is Grade-A Horror stuff here, folks. If you have a healthy fear of dolls and mannequins, The Tourist Trap may just make you mess your pants real good-like. It's cheap as hell on DVD, so grab a copy and enjoy this Old School classic.

A

The Tourist Trap is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Tanya Roberts was easily one of the hottest chicks of her era.