August 28, 2009

Halloween (2007)

"On the eve of Halloween 2, I thought it was only fitting to gather and watch Zombie's first stab at the series."

Sub-Genre- Slasher/Remake  
Cast Members of Note- Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon Zombie, Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe and Hanna Hall.  

Michael Myers is a little blond Danish kid who enjoys torturing animals, taking pictures of their carcass's, and carrying them around in a sack with him. His mom thinks it's what normal kids do, and since their entire family is nothing more than stereotypical whiskey-tango trash, maybe she's right.

Adorable.
It's all a moot point anyway, because eventually he graduates to killing people (starting with his whore sister and trashy step-dad), gets locked up in the unsane asylum, and turns into a painter. Mask maker. Whatever, He paints the f'ing masks. 

See?
After 20 years Dr. Loomis can't seem to cure Michael's insanity, so he tells him that they aren't friends anymore. That brilliant move prompts him to kill a bunch of guards and hospital staff, escape, and head back to Haddonfield to kill his other whore sister. In Laurie's defense, she was a baby when Michael knew her, so she couldn't really have been a whore, but she sure has the makings of one once she's all grown up. We know what she wants to do with Ben Tramer

I think we all know what happens from here on out.
This remake is no way even close to what the 1978 original was, in any way... that being said, this is also an effective, if not flawed, remake that packs a nice punch and delivers the goods. This is a brutal, skanky, visceral version of Halloween, filled with sex, foul language, and the "colorful" characters that are staples in Zombie's movies. 

Where the original was more subtle, atmospheric and terrifying, this version is more violent, chaotic and tension filled. Daeg Faerch is a great little Michael and Tyler Mane is equally as good as the grown up version, but the original Loomis and Laurie just can't be touched, though it's no fault of Malcolm McDowell or Scouty Compton. With Linda, it's pretty much a tie (because I dig Kristina Klebe.) 

If you look closely, you can see the haunting image of Kristina's ass. And a ghost.
Michael, why would you kill Danny Trejo like that? He's never been anything but nice to you!

Ok Rob Zombie, we get it; Michael Myers is a poor white trash kid with issues because he's got a stripper mom, an abusive step-dad, and a whore sister. You didn't need to make the first ten minutes of your movie near unwatchable just to drive your point home... over, and over, and over... Really, if the movie started at the school, it would be better off for it.

This is the face of white trash?
The blood flows freely in this one, and were treated to some nice kills. The best part of it all is that when the chicks get killed in this, they're all naked/topless and blood covered! You don't see that very often. Kudos, Rob Zombie.

Sheri Moon Zombie might not get naked (she never does!) but this movie has all sorts of skin on display; Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe and Hanna Hall all show their goods. 

This is like a trifecta of hot ass.
"As a matter of fact... I do believe it was" or "I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch!"

Parents are to blame for their kids turning out like shit. Also, If you have sex, you're going to be stabbed to death.

OMG! Orbs are real! Or not.
B+ (8.5/10) This is good stuff, especially if you like your Horror mean spirited and rough. Zombie took an institution and gave it a different spin, and it mostly worked. If not for the awful beginning scene, I may have been tempted to give it an A-... maybe.

I love you, Kristina Klebe.
 

4 comments :

  1. "A trifecta of hot ass" -- perfectly put :D

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  2. Yeah, why did he have to kill Danny Trejo?

    And the orb thing is hilarious. Stupid shot if you ask me.

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  3. Zombie makes the same mistake Lucas did... showing us the monster as a child. I don't want to see Kid Michael beyond the first scene. I don't want to see his white trash family, which seems to be the only kind of family Zombie can put in his films. And I damn sure don't want to see Danny frickin' Trejo getting killed.

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  4. The ending - basically from when the heroine and the two kids start screaming, and we get little pause in the screaming after that - the move sucked. First review, I seriously disagree with your review.

    A until then, D- from then. Overall about D+.

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