VOD Review: Satanic (2016)

"Well, that was underwhelming."

(aka Why?)
Release Date: July 1st.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Anthony Jaswinski.
Directed by: Jeffrey G. Hunt.
Starring: Sarah Hyland, Steven Krueger, Justin Chon, Clara Mamet, and Sophie Dalah.

Satanic was originally supposed to come out last August, but was pushed back nearly a year. Now, movies get delayed all the time, and that doesn't mean that they're complete shit just because they do, but having seen this generic shocker, we're pretty sure that it sat on the shelf for so long because they knew it just wasn't that good. Shocker, I know.

Five friends on Spring Break are heading to Coachella, but the plan is to stop off in LA first for two days of occult sightseeing, because it sounds much better than shitty Coachella does. They rent room 204 at The Flower Hotel, where some girl named Lainey Gore slit her throat for Satan, and proceed to try and contact her via Parker Bros. Ouija Board.

"KEEP TRYING, MORTICIA, YOU'VE ALMOST GOT IT!"

As if that isn't edgelord enough of them, they head over to the local Satanic church to take selfies; visit the scene of the Manson Murders, to take selfies; and visit a local Satanic thrift shop, where they act like assholes to the dude who works there, and almost get stabbed for their efforts. Later that night, after deciding that all of this isn't quite enough, they follow the dude from the Satan shop out into the boonies to a ramshackle cabin and interrupt the Satanic Sacrifice party that he and his 20 closest, creepiest friends are having, because the guy was an asshole, and he's got to be taught a lesson!

Had everyone died right then, as a sort of "this is what you get for being retarded" kind of lesson, we'd have probably given this movie a B+.

DON'T DO IT, MAN, SHE'S TOO HOT TO KILL!

But no, it doesn't end there. They girl that they "saved" from being sacrificed contacts them (via the cellphone that one of them left behind while escaping the Satanists), comes to hang with them in Lainey Gore's room, leads them in a group ritual, and then proceeds to slit her throat with the parting words of "I'll see you soon." That's when things truly get Satanic, as the disposable teens are haunted and hunted down by some ghostly force that begins killing them off, one by one.

Finally.

YEAH, US TOO.

This could have been a good movie. It was written by the guy who write The Shallows (which we really liked), so we know he has it in him to construct a solid story; and it was directed by a guy who has directed a ton of hours worth of TV, so we're not sure what went so wrong here. Come to think of it, this movie played like an over-long episode of some teen-friendly CW show, so maybe it was generic by design? If so, then kudos to all involved.

The story itself isn't all that bad; it's the typical "Idiot teens get stalked and slashed" kind of story, and those can be entertaining enough, even if most of them are generic as hell. Satanic though, doesn't do what most Teen Terror flicks do to make themselves tolerable, which is show a bunch of kids getting naked and getting killed in horrific ways. When people die in this movie (which save for one, doesn't happen until the last 20 minutes or so), we see nothing. One of them goes into a port-a-potty, and disappears; another goes off alone, only to show up dead later; yet another simply disappears; and the Final Girl, which you can probably guess is Sarah Hyland's character... well she gets to be a part of a cheesy twist that leads to an ending that is open to interpretation. 

If we have to sit through a movie with a half-assed script that is populated by unlikable, generic characters, at least give us some blood & gore to make it all worthwhile. Visceral thrills, you know?

While the story isn't that great to begin with, it's really the characters that make it such a painful watch. All Sarah Hyland's Chloe really does throughout the whole thing is scream, and she's the best of them; Elise, her cousin, is one of those goth posers who tries to act smarter than she is, and is way too-creepy-for-you, but ends up being tits on a bull when the actually Supernatural shit starts to go down; David is a dude-bro turn who whines the whole time about how lame his girlfriend's goth poser friends are, and about how bad he wants to go to Coachella, which should tell you everything you need to know about him; and Seth, the asshole, needs-to-catch-a-smack-in-the-mouth hipster, is too cool for everyone, has respect for nothing, and spends the entire movie making us ask "How does this tool have friends, let alone a girl who actually likes him?"

Sophie Dalah's crazy Satanist chick was the best character in the movie, and she basically existed as a plot device. The girl out-acted everyone.

DON'T WORRY, GIRL, YOU'VE STILL GOT MODERN FAMILY...

The throat-slitting part was pretty cool, but aside from that, we get very little in the way of gore, unless you count a pool full of CGI birds and blood, which you shouldn't.

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT SHE'S NOT COMMITTED.

Sophie Dalah gets mostly naked and kisses some girls, but that's it. 

YES, YOU WERE THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

This movie really could have been a decent B-Grade Supernatural flick had the characters not been so annoying, and had they, you know, actually shown the killings happen on-screen, but as it stands, it's a bit of a disappointing mess. You can give Satanic a rent of you want to, but waiting until it hits Netflix might be the best was to view this clunker.

D

Satanic is available now on VOD, as well as in limited theaters.

The girls of Satanic.