December 20, 2009
The 10 Worst Movies of 2009- 1-5
1- Halloween 2- I once had all the faith in the world in Rob Zombie's films: I liked 1000 Corpses, thought it was fresh and fun; I still think The Devil's Reject's is an amazing piece of work, on many levels; I even liked his first spin on Halloween (2007), though it was nowhere near the film that the original was. I guess that's why I expected way more out of this horrible remake/sequel, and also why I was so profoundly sickened by what I actually saw on screen. He didn't just continue the story, or put another spin on his own remake, he beat, raped, and shit on one of the best mythologies in the world of horror. Dream sequences, ghost horses, psychic links, horrible dialogue, laughable characters and acting, random killings, laughable story... He even made Michael into a homeless bum, and Loomis into a paparazzi seeking celebutard. This movie is embarrassing both as a movie, and as an installment in the Micheal Myers/Halloween mythos, and should just be forgotten. Zombie had better hit a home run with his planned remake of The Blob (which oddly enough, won't have a blob in it!?!), or the tiny shred of credibility he still has with some horror fans will be shot to hell. 2- Blood: The Last Vampire- Wow, I can't believe what an awful, laughable, utter mess this movie is. If you see this, you will be really angry for having wasted your time. If for some reason you see this and like it, or think it's really good, then you're most likely slow in the brain. The acting on display in this hunk of shit is atrocious for the most part. Seriously unbelievable. Allison Miller was okay some of the time, but even she was bad. "The General's" performance was amongst the worst performances I've seen all year. Maybe ever. The script is just ridiculous. Whoever wrote the dialogue should be ashamed of themselves, and everything that happened in this movie was just laughable. Even the schoolgirl sword fight was laughable and unwatchable... and that's saying a lot for me. I love swords and schoolgirls. Especially schoolgirls. 3- Vinyan- Slow, boring, frustrating, nonsensical, lame, shit... pick one of those descriptors, and it surely fits Vinyan. For being such a gorgeous movie, and having some solid acting talent involved, the story and characters make little sense and made me want to punch my TV (or myself) more than once as I watched this one. 17 times actually, but I digress... I had high hopes for this one, and on some levels it delivered, but overall it was the poor actions of the main characters that did the movie in. Once it became ridiculous, I started to notice how slow and uneventful it really was, and by the time anything happened, I just didn't care. Unless you need a really good nap, or another reason to walk around all pissed off, then don't ever watch this movie. 4- Jennifer's Body- You know a horror movie is just plain awful when not even hot chicks sharing a long, lingering, whorish lesbian kiss makes you want to watch. Honestly though, this could have been pretty watchable if not for one thing: Diablo Cody and her shit writing. Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz words and phrases, pretty much with every other line. No one talks like that Devil Coby, not unless they're 14 or mentally slow. By trying to show how hip and "in touch"" she is with the teen world, she proves just how much she really isn't. It's really better to mute the movie and just watch and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer the trendy crap Coby spews.. The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper. Unless you're a teen who hasn't developed taste yet, or mentally challenged, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic. 5- The Haunting in Connecticut- This was actually a well made movie, full of actors that did a good job with their roles, so why is it #5 on our "worst of" list? Because It may be the least scary "haunting" movie I've ever seen. Another bland, PG-13 Hollywood gloss job, THIC is full of jump scares and CGI, but no tension, dread, or true scares. In fact, the whole thing is devoid of anything even remotely creepy or unsettling. This movie illustrates that Hollywood is on to the fact that most people in the audience have the attention spans of retarded seagull's, and if something big/shocking/crazy doesn't happen every 34 seconds, then they're bored. I'm tired of Hollywood pandering to the lowest common denominator, and they need to stop making suck ass movies like this. Remember The Entity? That was pretty damned creepy. Remember The Haunting in Connecticut? Don't worry, neither does anyone else. The Best is next!