February 14, 2009

Theatrical Review: Friday the 13th (2009)

I know I'm going to take a ton of crap for rating this one as high as I did, but before you bitch me out, let me take a minute to explain myself.

Both the Friday the 13th series and the Iconic Jason Voorhees, are a Holy Grail of sorts for Horror fans; these movies helped define the Horror Genre in the 80's, during its meteoric rise.

When it comes to this "remake," there are a ton of people who cry about how bad it is, and what a travesty it is for all of mankind to behold, but my question to them is, why?

Let's be brutally honest here; aside from a few exceptions, most of the F13th movies aren't all that great to begin with. I love them all; they deliver the kills; they are populated with hot, naked chicks; and Jason is always brilliant to watch. In all honety though, most of them are cheesy as hell, and filled with mediocre acting talent banging out generic scripts that exist only to serve up a body count.

Are you honestly going to tell me that this remake is a bigger POS than Jason Takes Manhattan? Because aside from the boxing scene, that one was awful. And is anything in this movie as bad as the reveal that an ambulance driver was posing as Jason to get revenge for the death of his kid in F13th Part 5? No, because that was embarrassingly bad.

My point is that the F13th series exists to show stupid kids acting irresponsibly, and then being dispatched for their sins in gruesome and entertaining ways. Nothing more,, nothing less.

In that respect, this move delivered exactly what it was supposed to.

After watching his mom get beheaded, a young mongoloid boy named Jason decides he's gonna kill everyone the he encounters from there on out. Luckily for him, and his mongoloid rage, a bunch of dumb kids trespass on his land looking for weed, and he gets to kill them all to protect his crop. Who knew Jason was a weed farmer?!?

Weed does kill!
A few months later, another bunch of dumb kids heads to Crystal Lake to party at a cabin, and all of the stereotypical cliches are represented; the sweet girl; her dickhead boyfriend; the slut; the black guy smoking weed; another slut; the "aw shucks" blond guy; the awkward Asian guy... Oh, and don't forget the humble and "way better than her jerk boyfriend" guy that shows up looking for his missing sister (one of the chicks from the first groups of kids.)

Naturally, weed, nudity and slutty sex ensues... also, painful slaughter. Really, what else is there to summarize? Jason hates people, kills them, and they die. Does the nice guy find out what happened to his sister? Does everyone die painfully? Can Jason ever learn to love again? I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that the Final Girl in this one surprised me.

Looks like it surprised her too.
The 12th movie in the F13th series may be one of the the best that I've seen, and I've had a love affair with this series that dates back to the mid 80's. I'll need to see it again to be sure, but I really thought they hit the mark with this one. All of the typical Slasher elements were present here; hot chicks, slutty chicks, hot naked slutty chicks, dumb kids partying, a pissed off killer, a ton of blood and gore, some awesome kills... that's the good stuff.

I liked the homages paid to the other films too, especially to the earlier ones; the burlap sack, the window gag, and the wheelchair, chief amongst them. The "Jason! It's ok!" bit was nice too.

I have to talk about a few of the actors for a second, starting with Derek Mears. His take on Jason was awesome, and should see him instantly inducted into the F13th hall of fame. His Jason was pissed-off, violent, quick, and even a bit brooding at times. He did a really nice job with this role.

Danielle Panabaker won my heart (I'm easy like that) as the sweet girl, and had me feeling for her at the end. Finally, and perhaps best of all, was Julianna Guill; I can't begin to explain how hot she is, or how perfect she looks naked, but I need more of her. I'm calling it now; best boobs in Hollywood!

Good God.
The first 15 minutes of the movie. They didn't show enough of Pamela Voorhees, and the first group of kids left me flat; they died in cool ways, but other than Amanda Righetti and the guy that played her boyfriend, they were annoying as shit, and I wanted them all dead.Really, I jsut wanted that part of the movie to be over with.

***Spoilers*** What was with the whole cheating boyfriend/date thing? So while you're out helping someone in need, your friend sleeps with your boyfriend and no one says anything about it at all, including you when you basically catch them doing it? I know you have more pressing issues on your mind, like Jason, but no one so much as blinks an eye? Odd.

Perfect nipple placement.
They held very little back on the gore, and came up with some really cool kill scenes; I loved the axe scene, Chewie's death, the burning sleeping bag, the tow truck gag... There's a ton of kills and gore to be found here, and most of it was really good.

I'm saying it right now: Julianna Guill's boobs are some of the best I've ever seen, and may even be the best. That girl just looks perfect naked. Willa Ford and America Olivio have nothing to be ashamed of in the hotness department either; oiled boobs, implied doggystyle (and perhaps backdoor) action, wet & naked water skiing, and full naked cowgirl sex. Excellent stuff!

Julianna Guill is hot as sin. Even Jason stopped to check her out.
"I'm not going out there with a boner!" or "She ain't missing, she's dead. People go missing around here, they gone for good." or "You have perfect nipple placement!"

Jason rules; then, now, and always. Also, slutty chicks rule too. Also, you can't outrun a flying axe.

Despite what the haters say, this is one of the better entries in the F13th series. It's bloody, it has some great kill scenes, it's chocked full of hot & naked chicks, and Jason is bad-ass... Derek Mears is my new fave. Definitely go check this out at the show, and be on the lookout for the DVD, as it's apparently going to have an Extended Cut of the movie on it.


Friday the 13th is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.


Let us take one more second to appreciated the beauties of Julianna Guill.

*Click here to see more of The Girls of Firday the 13th.
*Click here to see more of Julianna Guill


  1. I'm still on the fence about spending good money to watch this in the theatre. If anything, the ads have tempted me to pick up the original series box set. Plus, I wasn't that much of a fan of the Texas Chainsaw remake. Maybe I'm being too judgmental.

  2. This really isn't a "remake" per se, but more of a another sequel in my eyes.

  3. I was so disappointed with this. The point of watching the Friday movies is to see some fun ridiculous kills, and this had way too much shaky cam and closeups for me to be able to tell how half the kills even looked. The art direction is 100x better than any of the previous ones though, but I kind of think that is part of what gave the old ones their charm. Honestly, I think I'd rewatch ANY of the previous ones aside from 9 before this again. And yes, that one girls boobs were spectacular.

  4. Great write-up/review...

    I hated the movie though. Of course I can't get enough of Julianna Guill... I hope, somehow, that somebody talks her into doing porn. lol

  5. I agree with it all! Everything is awesome!