February 23, 2009

Running Commentary Review: Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Finally, I get a chance to sit and do a running commentary review on this movie... and what a messed up little flick it is!

Keep in mind that these RCR reviews are just us sitting and watching a movie, and me typing our random thoughts as we go along. Oh yeah, and this movie rules.  

START- After a quick head explosion, we move to a bloody chainsaw and bloody scraps of a body... This might just be good! The bad guy did some nasty things to that body... Special Squad is on the case though! The TGP will get him, even if their main chick is sitting in her car cutting herself... hmm. She's really cutting into herself with that straight-razor, she must be Emo.

Random wacky Asian chick interlude!
5:28- After having 5000+ machine gun rounds emptied into him, the bad guy grows a chainsaw out of his arm! I think the cops are screwed. Jesus Christ on a stick... this movie is messed up! Well, the hot Asian cutter-cop shows up dressed like a schoolgirl, and pretty much hands the guy's ass to him. And his nose. And arm. This chick is bad-ass.

Behold, the vengeance of an Emo cutter!
8:50- 50 gallons of blood so far.  

9:34- This definitely has a Starship Troopers-like vibe to it. Then again, Starship Troopers never made me want to swear off eating meat 10 minutes into it... but it did make me swear off Casper Van Dien! Screw him.  

12:22- Japan sure is a crazy place; the Police drink OJ in bars, women will beat you with vegetables if asked, people are scared of the Police (much like they are in L.A.), and they enjoy octopus porn (much like the people of Witchita, KS.)  

16:50- Japanese viking guy walking his limbless human fetish dog! Really. False alarm, it's just Ruka's birthday party. WTF? They give out merit badges? Nice cake though.  

Happy Birthday?
19:00- Flashback time: Ruka's mom goes insane cutting potatoes, and cuts herself Emo style on her daughters b-day. I'm confused, is the fat sweaty Asian dude with the underage hooker part of the flashback? For that matter, is the writhing pink dildo a part of it too? Nope, her name is Yuka... I think. Still doesn't explain the dong.  

23:00- Female pimp get drained of her blood; killer uses juicy juice bottles. A Harakiri commercial follows. Stop the Harakiri! Nice message. Back to the chick pimp, she's now stuffed into a small cardboard box.

A handy illustration!
27:12- Ruka is going undercover as a hooker to catch the serial killing engineer, so she hops a train, and catches a crazy commercial: Yay! New designer wrist-cutters! Yay! Yay, yay! They're so cute! Yayyyyyyy! They even come in pink.  

30:05- Lesson: Never grab the ass of an undercover cop in Japan, even if she looks like a whore, because she will enforce the law on your ass! 

That's entrapment.
35:43- Crazy 3-pronged knife/sword fight! She cuts him across the nose! Oh shit, the engineer is having a seizure... or... or he's...yeah, he's pulling his face apart to blind her with geysers of blood. Of dude, he pulled it off! He has cannon eyes now... is this an homage to Cronenberg? Pinned against the wall, he's rubbing her up... and opening up a keyhole on her arm with a key he pulled from his brain? Am I on acid right now?

WTF am I watching...
39:46- 100 gallons of blood so far.  

46:46- A virtual Wii snuff game commercial! Fun for the whole family. These commercials kill me, LULZ. Ruka is hot on the trail of the half-headed guy, and realizes she's been set up! Also, the chief gets high by drawing a syringe on his arm?!? A censored commercial showing the TGP playing soccer with some kids using a guys head is next.  

51:40- A crazy Japanese fetish party ensues, complete with leather, penis-nose appendages, and a snail girl... and a living, breathing, naked, human chick-chair, hooked up to an IV. That one is apparently the hit of the party. Why would I make this up? OMG, the human chair just peed into the crowd! Yeah. They're drinking/showering in it too. What in the blue hell is going on here?!? This has officially turned into a piss party. Oddly enough, I need to go pee, brb. 

I'm kinda scared right now.
55:00- 150 gallons of blood so far. 20 gallons of urine.  

56:30- Don't do it, it's a trap! Oral sex or not, no one is strapping me to a chair, especially in this Bizzarro-World. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! She bit it off! And they showed it! Shoot her! Grab you wiener and run, man! Dude, her vagina turned her lower torso into an alligators maw! Oh yeah, he's finished. Wait, he's shoving his severed arm into her alligator 'gina, and pulling on an exposed vein to shoot her... I don't even know what to say anymore.

Don't ask me.
1:02:29- 250 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss.  

1:03:50- Massive mutant penis gun! At this point, we're halfway through the movie, and I'm not writing near as much as I'd like to, mainly because so much crazy shit is happening, that this would be a novel rather than a bullet point-style review. From here on out, I'll cover a few of the finer points, the rest you need to see for yourself.

1:23:10- 400 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

The cops have gone kill crazy by now, and are just slaughtering the entire city at their leisure. Ruka has become a secret engineer, learned the truth about her father's death, killed the half-head guy, and isn't happy with the slaughter going on. When she witnesses her only friend being drawn and quartered by the cops, she flips her friggin' wig! Mutant justice ensues!  

This guy...
1:31:40- Massive 6-barreled "hand" gun! I can't even begin to describe this scene...

Final Tally- 900 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

I don't even...
END- The Japanese sure as hell know how to make a messy Horror flick. This movie is so insane and over the top, that trying to explain it does little justice. Just see it, and see it now!


Tokyo Gore Police is available now on DVD and VOD.


Eye don't even now what to say. Zing!

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