February 25, 2009

DVD Review: Bordello of Blood (1996)

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- Angie Everhart, Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon.

Dennis Miller plays a guy named Rape Guttman, who is hired by a hot virgin chick to find her missing brother. Using his skills of sarcasm and acerbic wit, he tracks him to a whorehouse where the whores just so happen to be vampire whores. From there on out, he snarks his way in and out of trouble, and manages not to get laid, despite his location. He's probably scared that the vampire whores will drain him of his blood, or something.

She just might be worth it.
Caught between the hot virgin, and the slutty evil vampire queen (both of whom he'd like to aardvark), Rape does battle with an evil midget, and equally evil reverend, a gaggle of naked vampire whores, and his overindulgent use of pop culture witticisms. Also, he has a laser gun that shoots crosses. True story.

Dennis Miller... action hero?
I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that it's a Tales from the Crypt movie, so you know it ends all "Dun-dun-dun!" style.... and with a cheesy outro by old Crypty himself!

"Wait, this isn't Lost Boys 2?!?"
On many levels, this movie just isn't good; it's cheesy, poorly-scripted, predictable, formulaic... but it's a Tales From the Crypt joint, so that's to be expected. What it does do well, is make you shut your brain off for a little while, and just have some fun with the whole thing. Boobs & Blood. That's about it really. Boobs and blood. Also, The Cryptkeeper rules. His lame jokes, creepy face, and penchant for blood are what made Tales a great show when it was on HBO. I guess he's one of those characters that you either love or hate though.

Let's face it, the 90's kinda sucked for the Horror genre, and for better or for worse, Bordello of Blood is one of the decade's best offerings. Sad, I know.

How can you not love this face?
Like most things associated with the name Tales From the Crypt, this one is heavy on the cheese and lame humor. After seeing Demon Knight, which was an awesome movie, this played more like an over-long TV episode.

She was hot though.
Why were neither Angie Everhart or Erika Eleniak naked in this movie? Neither went on to do anything but crappy B-movie roles anyway, so why did they take the high road in this one? Integrity? Blah.
No on cares about your "acting."
Though more of the cheesy variety, this movie has a bunch of blood and gore. Of the cheesy variety.

Cheesy goodness.
This movie has naked chicks galore! I mean come on, it's about vampire whores...

She built a career off being naked, but she's not naked in this?
"You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality" or "Sorry, Zeke, I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob."

The Cryptkeeper's jokes suck. Also, never trust reverends or midgets. Or vampire whores.

Yeah, dude, they suck.
This is a fun, vampire hooker-filled romp, that will make you laugh and keep you entertained for an hour and a half. After that though, you'll pretty much never think about it again. It's worth a watch though.


Bordello of Blood is available now on DVD and VOD.


Was there a hotter Redhead in the 90's than Angie Everhart? Also, Erika Eleniak isn't too shabby for a blonde.

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