February 14, 2009

Instant Horror Hottie- Julianna Guill

Kicking off the final five in our Millennium Hotties celebration is the girl who graces our monthly Horror Hottie Banner, Julianna Guill. She's not as famous as most of the other Millennium Hotties, nor does she have the body of work that many of them do, but on February 13th, 2009, she gave to the Horror world a gift that is to this day, still immeasurable...

The best pair of on-screen boobs that we've seen in decades.

Banner-worthy, indeed.

First thing's first... the 2009 remake/re-telling/redux of Friday the 13th was not the POS that many Horror sites/critics made it out to be. I grew up watching Jason and all of his Crystal Lake exploits, so every movie in that series will always have a special place in my heart. You know, formative years and all.

If we're being honest though, and unless you're delusional, many of the movies in the F13th series weren't that great. They existed to showcase Jason killing teenagers in clever and painful ways, and nothing more. I loved them all the same (save for Jason Takes Manhattan, because that one was just truly horrendous), but they had issues. Critics complained that F13th 2009 was everything from too flashy, lacking in plot, that it had no substance, and about 100 other things.

It did feel more "modern" than F13th flicks of the past, but then again, so are the times. Bottom line is it's a slasher flick. Yes, it looks slicker and more "now" than do most of the F13th movies that have come before it (especially the earliest ones), but audience tastes have changed, and shiny is the new grit these days.

We liked the new Jason flick, and we say poop on those people who hated it for the wrong reasons, because we're rebels like that.

Run! Get your boobs to safety!
Anywho, back to Tits McGuill....and for the record, hers are so nice that the term "Tits McGee" should truly be changed to "Tits McGuill" immediately. That might be the best idea I've ever had. Ever.

Friday the 13th (2009) gave us our first taste of Julianna Guill and her perfect nipple placement. We figured she was just another bit player who showed up in this movie to add to the body count, and that's it... but oh, how wrong we were.

Just like many a F13th girl before her, Julianna dropped trau and hopped in bed with some dude... but this time, the obligatory slasher flick sex scene was different; as she climbed on top of Travis Winkie (or whatever his name was), and our eyes caught sight of her magnificent breasts, trumpets sounded, the heavens rumbled, and it was good.

Alright, maybe not all of that, but they were nice, and Marcus Nispel showcased them perfectly. Julianna Guill went from being "that one girl in the new F13th" to "Who is that girl!" in about 10 seconds.

Hugs from her must be fantastic.
From there, Julianna moved on to bit roles in the way underrated comedy, Fired Up, a Road Trip sequel, and a guest shot on the hit TV show, How I Met Your Mother. It wasn't long before she was brought back into the genre fold though, even if it was only in the MTV movie My Super Psycho Sweet 16. Hey, at least it was something...

That kinda looks like the before and after of most female child stars.
Julianna's career has been mostly made up of comedies, romantic comedies, and dramas, but every so often she sneaks back across the Horror border and makes another genre flick. Sure, those genre flicks may be Altitude and The Apparition, one of which was decent enough (Altitude) while the other one really sucked (Apparition), but hey, she makes an effort.

Of course she hasn't been naked on-screen since F13th, which is truly distressing to us, so her effort is kind of half-hearted at best.

Still, we'll always have Crystal Lake.

"Oh, you want me to take off my shirt and do a handjob scene? Sure thing... psyche!"
Naked or not, Julianna Guill is a pleasure to watch in whatever she stars in. She's actually kinda funny, so the comedy thing is cool with us, so long as she doesn't ignore the Horror Genre completely, and as long as at some point she realizes that being naked in movies is what good actresses do.

It's also fun to note that Julianna is in a band with Alison Brie. Do we care about their music? No, lol. But have you seen Alison Brie? That girl is every bit as amazing as any Horror Hottie out there, maybe even more so, and her curves are easily a match for Tits McGuill's. Their band is called The Girls too, which I'm 100% convinced is a reference to their boobs... which is absolutely fitting.

The perfect best friend.
For the record, we talk a lot about Boobs & Butts around here, and we do so because we like them, they've always been a mainstay in the Horror (and any other) Genre, and because hell, if someone's got it, let's celebrate the hell out of it.

We do not think that the measure of a woman is her body or its parts, it's just that a woman's mind and soul don't give us boners. So, it's a balancing act between "she's a great actress" & "she's been in a lot of great Horror flicks" & "God damn, have you seen that girl's ass!"

It's never easy, folks. Never.

Now, let's enjoy some more boner stuff...