December 20, 2009

The Worst Movies of 2009- 1-5

Before we discuss the movies of 2009 that we loved, let's go ahead and get the painful task of discussing the ones that we loathed out of the way.

These are the movies that infuriated us, made us shake our heads and roll our eyes, underwhelmed us, and just failed in general at whatever it was that they were trying to do.

We say poop on these movies. Poop on them all!
I once had all the faith in the world in Rob Zombie's films: I liked 1000 Corpses, and thought it was fresh and fun; I still think The Devil's Rejects is an amazing piece of work, on many levels; I even liked his first spin on Halloween (2007), though it was nowhere near the film that the original was.

I guess that's why I expected way more out of Halloween 2, and also why I was so profoundly sickened by what I actually saw on screen.

Zombie didn't just continue the story that he established in his first remake, no, what he did was shit all over one of the best mythologies in the world of Horror. Dream sequences, ghost horses, psychic links, horrible dialogue, laughable characters (and acting), a laughable story... He even managed to make Michael into homeless bum, and Loomis into a paparazzi seeking Celebutard.

This movie is embarrassing both as a movie, and as an installment in the Micheal Myers/Halloween mythos, and should just be forgotten.

Zombie had better hit a home run with his planned remake of The Blob (which oddly enough, won't have a blob in it!?!), or the tiny shred of credibility he still has with some Horror fans will be completely shot to hell.
I honestly can't believe what an awful, laughable, utter mess that Blood: The Last Vampire is. If you end up seeing this one, you'll most likely feel angry for having wasted your time. If for some reason you see this and like it, or think it's really good, then you're most likely slow in the brain.

The acting on display in this hunk of shit is atrocious for the most part. Seriously, it's unbelievable how bad it is. Allison Miller was alright in her role, some of the time, but even she was bad. "The General's" performance was amongst the worst performances I've seen all year, in any movie. Maybe ever.

The script is just ridiculous. Whoever wrote the dialogue should be ashamed of themselves. Everything that happened in this movie was just laughable. Even the schoolgirl sword fight was laughable and unwatchable... and that's saying a lot for us; we love swords and schoolgirls. Especially schoolgirls. And swords.

Maybe from now on, let's not make live-action movies out of Anime properties, alright? They clearly don't translate all that well.
Slow, boring, frustrating, nonsensical, lame, shitty... any and all of those descriptors fits Vinyan well.

For being such a gorgeous movie, and having such solid acting talent involved, Vinyan's story and characters make very little sense, and made me want to punch my TV (or myself) more than once as I watched this one. 17 times actually, but I digress...

I had really high hopes for this movie, and on some levels it delivered, but overall it was the poor actions of the main characters that did the movie in. Once its events and plot points became truly ridiculous, I started to notice how slow and uneventful the whole thing really was, and by the time anything happened, I just didn't care anymore.

Unless you need a really good nap, or another reason to walk around all pissed off, then don't ever watch this movie.
You know a Horror movie is just plain awful when not even extremely hot chicks sharing a long, lingering, whorish, lesbian kiss makes you want to watch it all the way through.

Jennifer's Body could have been pretty watchable if not for one thing: Diablo Cody and her shit-tier writing. Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz words and phrases, pretty much with every other line.

No one talks like that, Dribble Corby, not unless they're 14 or mentally slow. By trying to show how hip and "in touch"" she is with the tween world, she proves just how much she really isn't. It's really better to mute the movie and just watch and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer the trendy crap that Colby spews..

The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper. Unless you're a tween girl who hasn't developed taste yet, or mentally challenged, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic.
The Haunting in Connecticut is actually a very well-made movie, and its full of good actors that did a great job with their roles, so why is it #5 on our Worst of list? Because It may be the least scary "haunting" movie we've ever seen.

Another bland, PG-13 Hollywood gloss job, THIC is full of jump scares and CGI, but there's no tension, no sense of dread, or really any true scares to be found here. In fact, the whole thing is devoid of anything even remotely creepy or unsettling.

This movie illustrates that Hollywood is on to the fact that most people in the audience have the attention spans of retarded seagulls, and if something big/shocking/crazy doesn't happen every 34 seconds, then they're bored. We're tired of Hollywood pandering to the lowest common denominator of film-goers, and they really need to stop making suck-ass movies like this.

Remember The Entity? That was pretty damned creepy. Remember The Haunting in Connecticut? Don't worry, neither does anyone else.


  1. I actually kinda liked Vinyan. Yes, the main characters were of the histrionic variety that often appears in artier films like this and 'Anti-Christ', but I thought that it was effective in establishing a foreboding atmosphere.

  2. I loved the look fo the whole thing,and the scenery set quite a good atmosphere, but everything else just didn't work for me.

  3. Right, nothing else really worked for me either, but strangely enough the elements you mentioned that DID work were enough... not that I didn't come away from it extremely disappointed, all the same.