December 15, 2009

Guilty Pleasure Review: Bitch Slap (2009)

This movie was not good. It was cheesy, pointless, and it was more than obvious that the filmmakers were trying to make the next huge cult phenomenon, rather than first and foremost actually making a good movie. That being said... for fans of slutty chicks, guns, and slutty chicks with guns, this movie is basically the holy grail.

At its core, BITCH SLAP follows three bad girls (a down-and-out stripper, a drug-running killer, and a corporate power-broker) as they arrive at a remote desert hideaway to extort and steal $200 Million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin. Things quickly spin out of control as allegiances change, truths are revealed, other criminals arrive for the score, the fate of the world hangs in the balance and they are forced to confront a villain much worse than they ever expected… themselves. It’s the ultimate morality tale as, one by one, they realize the whole she-bang was a set-up and one of them may not even be human…

This is what the movie is about, and nothing more.
Whatever. The plot has been done before, and far better, and that's alright. This is eye candy, and nothing more. The best way to sum Bitch Slap up, is that visually, it's a poor man's Sin City; and if the poor man's Sin City had a gang-bang with Smokin' Aces, The Spirit, the Kill Bill movies, and every bit of Cinemax soft-core porn ever made, this would be the mentally-challenged love child born from it all.

It really tries to be Sin City story-wise, and every Tarantino film dialogue-wise, but that all falls flat. Where it doesn't fall flat is with the whole slutty chicks with guns thing, and with the rampant amount of lesbianism, boobs, filthy talk, blood & violence, sweaty chicks, chicks wrestling, strippers, whores, sass, and fluff. I don't know, most teenage boys will love it, I guess.

Who are we kidding, we loved it too.
This is a guilty pleasure of the highest form. Imagine if Scarlett Johansson was your sister, and she invites Natalie Portman and let's say Miley Cyrus over to your house, where they proceed to get all coked up, naked, and eventually you and Scarlett (your sister) do it all night long, in every conceivable way, with the others and alone, over and over again. Then they leave. You feel disgusted, lost, and you wish you could take it all back; after all, she's your sister, and Miley Cyrus is only 15. At the same time, you think back on it all and say "oh yeah, that just happened," and bathe gleefully in your filthy self-loathing.

That's basically the same as watching Bitch Slap; you know it's horribly wrong, but somehow it feels so absolutely right.

Bitch Slap is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Bitches, man, bitches.


  1. after all, I'm still a teenage boy in my mind. That Scarlet Johannson scenario is my dream come true. I don't think ANY movie in the world could come close to the coolness of that fantasy. Regardless, I've still been meaning to see Bitch Slap since I saw the previews on AOTS. Thanks for the review!

  2. Haha, I figured you would end up reviewing this one. That scenario you described with Scarlett and Miley...yeah, made me want to shower and cry and do that thing where you slide against the wall and scrub your skin with bleach. So I guess I'll skip Bitch Slap, eh?

  3. Yeah Becky, unless you really like hollow yet glossy exploitation, skip it. You're not missing much.