Blu-ray Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Here's a remake of a classic flick that deserves more credit than it gets...

Sub-Genre- Slasher/Survival/Remake
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Chris, and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- One of the hottest chicks of all time, Jessica Biel, Jonathan Tucker, Eric Balfour, Erica Leerhsen, and the kick ass awesomeness of R. Lee Ermey.

Some dumb kids with a pinata full of weed pick up a hitch-hiker who un-holsters her vagina-pistol, and blows her brains out in the back of their van. As if that isn't bad enough, when the local Sheriff finally shows up, he does nothing but berate and torture them.

"What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?"

Eventually, they all end up captive at his creepy farmhouse, with his creepy family, and the creepiest thing of all; a monstrous mongoloid named Leatherface. Together, they play fun little games like lose-a-limb, meat hook swing, and the ever popular "die slowly, bitch." Also, Jessica Biel runs around all sweaty and hot-looking, trying to find her friends and escape, but to no avail.

I won't spoil what happens next, but suffice it to say that everyone has a pretty shitty day.

She plays a game called "Sweaty and hot with a white shirt that doesn't show the nipples."

TCM 2003 was pretty good as far as remakes go. They changed enough to make it fresh, kept enough to make it familiar and true, and managed to pull off a bloody, disturbing and satisfying trip through hell via rural Texas. I liked the sepia look of things, washed out and drab.

I still prefer the original Leatherface, because to me he was more human and real, if that makes any sense. The new version of Leatherface was cool though, much meaner and more focused. The new dynamic of the family was interesting too, adding a bit on depth that seemed like it could truly be a real backwoods family somewhere.

Do fat or ugly teenagers ever get killed in movies like this?

How in the world do you get a revolver in your cooter? That just sounds excruciatingly painful. I guess "ouch" doesn't really begin cover it, but it seems the most fitting way to describe it other than "fuck me."

Sweet Jesus.

Oh man... just leave him on the meat hook! Trying to get him off, then dropping him back on it even harder made me cringe.

A wicked gun suicide, hammer blows, meat hook violence, severed limbs, blood everywhere...this one is all sorts of bloody good fun.

Victims.

I prayed that Jessica Biel would get naked, but no such luck. Then again, the movie isn't called The Texas Chainsaw & Rape Massacre... so it makes sense. We didn't even get any nipple-through-shirt action when her white T was wet though!

"Bring it, boy!" or "He's a bad man."

Mean motor scooter.

Not all remakes have to suck. Also, screw picking up hitch-hikers. Also, Jessica Beil apparently has no nipples.

If this wasn't the remake of an all-time classic Horror film, people wouldn't have been so harsh on it. For what it is, it's really good, and manages to do some justice to the original. I say you should definitely add this to your collection, as it's one of the best Horror flicks of the 2000's.

A-

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

She's so dirty that she has to sit in the sink.