DVD Review: John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris and Christian.
Cast Members of Note- The one and only James Woods! Also, Daniel Baldwin, The bad guy from Karate Kid 3, and Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks.

Vampires is basically its the story of a vampire hunter (James Woods), who hunts down a Master Vampire (played by the guy who betrayed Daniel-San in The Karate Kid 3), because he killed all of his whores. And friends too. It's the Daniel-San thing that hurts him most of all, though.

"Boy will James Woods be pissed about this!"

Our hero, along with the least coolest Baldwin brother, set out to find the bloodsucker with a half-vampire hottie in tow. If they can kill him before she fully turns, they can save her life and the Baldwin Bro can do it with her all he wants to without fear of being eaten. From here on out, the mayhem and carnage kick into full gear, and by the end, only two people are still "Alive."

I'd take her with me too.

This movie sure has taken it's share of crap from critics (most of whom have no pulse to begin with), and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Sure, it's not a cinematic masterpiece or anything, but then again it isn't supposed to be. It's a Horror movie, and one of the fun variety. It certainly doesn't hearken back to the early 80's Carpenter films and their grandeur, but neither does it shit on them. What we have here is a fun, bloody vampire movie that gives us an interesting premise, and James Woods in full ass-kicking moder. How in the world can you not love James Woods bitch-slapping a bunch of vampires around?

So are we, Peter. So are we.

I wish it could have followed the book a bit more. *We never read the book, it just feels appropriate to say that.

Then again, there's no way that the book was this sexy.

Rapey Priests asdie, The Catholic Church once again proves that it harbors dark secrets and evil plots.

What is he doing up there?

Vampires killing people, people killing vampires... blood and violence are everywhere in this one.

Now that's a party!

Not only do we get a motel party full of loose women in various states of undress, but we get the yummy Sheryl Lee pretty much fully naked.

That does not look consensual.

"I killed my own father, Padre. I got no trouble killing you" or "Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right?"

"Hnnnggg!"

The Vatican knows vampires are real! Also, they have a team lead by James Woods that hunts and kills them.

It's all real!

This movie isn't perfect, but it's a hell of a fun time, and it's a sight better than most crappy vampire movies that you'll come across these days. You should own it, or at the very least, rent it.

B

Vampires is available now on DVD and VOD.

Remember how hot Sheryl Lee was when she played the jail-bait temptress/murder victim Laura Palmer in Twin Peaks? So do we.