Blu-ray Review: The Thing (1982)

"One of the greatest Horror movies ever made."

(aka Who Goes There?)
Release Date: June 25th, 1982.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Bill Lancaster and John W. Campbell Jr.
Directed by: John Carpenter.
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilfred Brimley, Richard Dysart, Richard Masur, T.K. Carter, Peter Maloney, and Donald Moffat.

This review is based on the Universal Blu-ray of The Thing that we own, which is a solid disc in its own right. However, with Scream Factory's announcement that they're giving the John Carpenter classic the Collector's Edition Blu-ray treatment this September, it's probably best if you pre-order that one, and skip the Universal disc.

We just really wanted to review the movie, as I can't believe that we haven't done before now.

In the vast frozen tundra of Antarctica, a terrified Malamute runs for its life from a gang of angry Norwegians in a helicopter who are they're trying to kill the poor dog for unknown reasons. The dog makes it an American research station, and the bumbling Nords blow up their own helicopter, and end up shot for their efforts. Evil bastards! 

AMERICANS WILL KILL FOR THEIR DOGS.

Wondering what in the hell that was all about, the Americans venture to the nearby Norwegian research station, where they find everyone dead, burned to death along with some sort of mutated, human-like creature. They also find a massive flying saucer buried in the ice, which the Nords were apparently trying to dig up like any good group of scientists would do. Conversely, any rational group of human being would leave that shit buried in the ice, because nothing good can come of digging it up.

YOU SHOULD REALLY JUST COVER THAT THING BACK UP AGAIN...

So they put the dog in the kennels with the other dogs, and then decide to do an autopsy on the twisted mutant corpse, and they basically find out what was inside of that massive space ship when both of them mutate into horrific creatures which tries to assimilate everyone in camp, all in the name of survival.

SCIENCE CAN BE A TERRIFYING THING SOMETIMES.

Lead by helicopter pilot R.J. MacReady, the crew of the research station band together to destroy The Thing, even though it's impossible for them to tell who amongst them has already been taken over by the alien thing.

Mistrust and excellence ensues.

THEY REALLY SHOULD HAVE JUST SHOT THE DAMN DOG AND CALLED IT A DAY.

Intense, terrifying, and wonderfully gory, The Thing is not only an excellent movie, but it's probably the best remake (re-telling is probably more accurate) of all-time.

This is a claustrophobic movie with a very grim tone, and Carpenter used the isolated Antarctic setting to amplify those aspects to a level of intensity that few other Horror movies have been able to match since. From the opening shot, The Thing lets you know that what's happening is urgent and potentially dire for all involved, and it doesn't miss a beat until the end credits roll.

Carpenter has always been a director who sticks with what works, especially early on in his career; The Thing marks the 3rd time that Kurt Russell was his lead actor (he acted for the man 5 times), and the 4th time that cinematographer Dean Cundey ran the camera for the director. He had a formula back then (which included talent on both sides of the camera, score, tone), and it worked perfectly. The guy seemed to be able to catch lightning in a bottle over and over again, and The Thing stands with Halloween as the best examples of that.

The cast in this one is perfect. Kurt Russell was the man back then, as he still is today, and although Snake Plissken may be his most iconic character, he kills it here as MacReady. He really takes the movie to another level with his presence alone, and the fact that he's surrounded by guys like Wilford Brimley, Keith David, Richard Dysart, Richard Masur, and Peter Maloney doesn't hurt things either. It's one hell of an ensemble cast.

We also have to tip the hat to the Special FX work of Rob Bottin. The work he did on this film, which was all practical (CGI was a rare beast back then), is a thing of twisted, gory brilliance which still impresses today. The score by Ennio Morricone is perfect as well.

BEST MOVIE BEARD OF ALL-TIME?

So who was the damn Thing at the end: MacReady or Childs? Or was it neither of them? And did they freeze to death, or did the thing kill them both and escape? We need answers!

IT WAS ONE HELL OF AN ENDING THOUGH.

Why this movie flopped when it was released in 1982 is beyond reasoning. I guess it might have to do with E.T. being released a few months prior, and maybe people wanted sweet, heartfelt movies about aliens, instead of something that was bleak and filled with a bunch of twisted Body Horror grotesqueries, but come on. This is EVERYTHING that a Horror movie is supposed to be.

Maybe it just took years and years of mediocre to bad Horror movies for people to say "You know, John Carpenter got it right with The Thing." At least they finally came around, I guess.

WE FEEL YOU, KURT.

Rob Bottin's work on The Thing set the benchmark for Special Effects, and it's full of bloody, nasty, gory transformations and deaths.

'

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING."

Nope.

PLENTY OF BLOOD ON DISPLAY THOUGH.

• Just like Blade Runner, which was released on the same day in 1982, The Thing was a failure at the Box Office. Neither film was loved by critics either. Both movies have since gone on to become classics of their Genres. 
• The Thing is cited by many as a remake of the 1951 movie, but it's actually a more faithful adaptation of the novella on which both movies are based. 
• An alternate ending was filmed in which MacRready is rescued, and is revealed (via blood test) not to be The Thing. We're glad they didn't use that one though. 
• Nick Nolte turned down the role of MacRready. Thank God. 

PRACTICALLY BRILLIANT.

When filmmakers sit down to figure out how they're going to structure their Thrillers, Horror or otherwise, I have to imagine that The Thing is a movie that a great many of them look at to show them the way. People may say that Halloween is John Carpenter's best movie, and they may be right, but it's hard not to give The Thing serious consideration for that title.

This movie is a mandatory addition to any Horror Collection, and one that we'll re-visit over and over again for the rest of our lives.

A+

The Thing is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD, and the 2-Disc Collector's Edition from Scream Factory will be released in September. You can Pre-Order it below.

Since there's no female presence in The Thing, let's take a minute to admire Kurt Russell's fantastic beard game, which was truly on point in this one.

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Blu-ray Review: Ghosts of Mars (2001)

"A guilty pleasure of the highest order."

(aka Big Daddy Mars.)
Release Date: August 24th, 2001.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Larry Sulkis and John Carpenter.
Directed by: John Carpenter.
Starring: Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube, Jason Statham, Clea Duvall, Pam Grier, and Joanna Cassidy.

Of all the movies that John Carpenter has directed over the curse of his career, none has met with more negativity than Ghosts of Mars, and I just don't understand the hate. I mean I understand it, because this is not one of his better efforts, and it's got all kinds of script issues, but it's still one hell of a fun flick, flaws and all.

In 2176 A.D., Mars has been colonized by 640,000 human beings, and has been 84% terraformed. Society is Matriarchal on Mars, which means that women are in charge, which means that shit is bound to go wrong, because we all know that men do stuff better. I'm kidding, feminists, calm down. Everything is going just fine on Mars.

I'M KIDDING, NATASHA!

During a routine dig, some miners uncover a doorway buried deep beneath the mars (we use the term "the earth" to describe the ground here on Earth, so it seems fitting), and unwittingly unleash some evil spirits that have been hidden away for centuries. Not sure how anyone on Mars knows any of this, because there's no way that anyone could "know" that kind of thing since it takes the ghosts 10 seconds to overwhelm the camp and possess the miners, but we digress.

[LOUD GIBBERISH INTENSIFIES]

A team of Mars Police arrive at the Shining Canyon outpost to transport the murderous criminal Desolation Williams to the outpost of Chryse, to stand trial for his crimes. The normally bustling outpost is appears to be deserted, which is because those very same Ghost of Mars have shown up, possessed everyone in town, and turned them into some kind of a defense mechanism for the planet to use to repel invaders.

LISTEN, THE STORY DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE TO US EITHER, JUST GO WITH IT.

So it's basically humans vs. the ghosts of ancient martians, who all look like members of a Norwegian Death Metal band, who have all been heavily body-modded with sharp instruments and barbed wire.

SHE APPARENTLY DOESN'T LIKE NORWEGIAN DEATH METAL.

I can totally see why Ghosts of Mars has been so derided by critics and audiences alike. The script is messy and plagued with bad dialogue; the acting isn't exactly the best; there's plot-holes galore (why do they keep shooting the "ghosts" when they know doing so will release them from their hosts, and put themselves at risk for being possessed) throughout; the whole flashback within a flashback within a flashback feels odd; drugs dispel the ghosts from their host, which kind of sends a pro-drug message...

But you know what? This is still one hell of a fun movie, flaws and all. It's not a "So bad it's good" type of fun, because it's not that bad to begin with, but it's definitely a "I don't know what in the hell went wrong with this movie, but I like it!" kind of thing. Big stupid action is what it is.

The cast is pretty great in this one, and they did their best with the material that they were given. Not only did Ghosts of Mars feature Natasha Henstridge in her prime, but it was one of Jason Statham's first roles. It also features 70's icon Pam Grier; N.W.A. founder Ice Cube; Carpenter mainstay Peter Jason makes an appearance; and it's even got Joanna Cassidy and Robert Carradine.

"FUCK THE POLICE, HUH, CUBE?"

Some of the dialogue in this movie made us cringe. For example, when Pam Grier yells "Who goes there!" at a fleeing shadow, we wondered if they wanted it to play cheesy, or if it just somehow got away from them.

HE HAD THE BEST DIALOGUE OF THEM ALL.

Ice Cube has said that Ghosts of Mars is the worst movie that he ever made, which begs the question: Has he ever seen his other films like Are We There Yet?; Are We Done Yet?: Dangerous Ground; Ride Along; Ride Along 2; First Sunday; Torque; All About the Benjamins; or Lottery Ticket?

We love Cube, but he's starred in some shitty movies over the years, and every single one of them listed above is way worse that Ghosts of Mars.

YEAH, I SAID IT.

Most of the gore in this one is of the quick-cut variety, but there are some cool decapitations and slashings throughout.

THIS REMINDS US OF IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS. NOT SURE WHY.

No sex or nudity in this one. Natasha Henstridge looks great in a tank top though.

THE MOUNDS OF MARS.

Courtney Love was originally set to play the role Ballard until she hurt her foot and was replaced by Natasha Henstridge at the last minute. True Story.

WE'RE GLAD WE GOT NATASHA THOUGH. WHAT A QT.

Yes, Ghosts of Mars would have been a way better movie if someone had taken another pass or two at the script and tightened it up a bit, but as it stands, it's a fun B-movie that deserves far more love than it gets... or at least far less hate. If we were grading this movie like we normally do, it would probably be an objective C, although as far as its fun-factor goes, it's more of a B+.

As it stands though, this is a Guilty Pleasure of the highest order. Watch accordingly. 

Ghosts of Mars is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Natasha Henstridge was one of the best Horror Hotties of the 90's.