The Bad Movie Club Presents: Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)

We're about to spoil everything about this movie. It's honestly best to experience a bad movie like this as unspoiled as possible; not because the plot matters one damn bit, but because watching the craziness unfold organically makes it all the more enjoyable. If you wish to avoid spoilers, do not proceed.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare was one of the very first Bad Movies that we watched as a group way back when, and it's still one of our faves. 

Set on a farm in rural Canada, muscle-bound and well-oiled frontman John Triton and his half-assed heavy metal band, The Tritonz, open up a portal to hell with their shitty music, unleashing a horde of retarded puppets on the world. Triton is forced to oil up (even more), put on Rob Halford's leather-studded thong, and fight Satan himself, who has arrived on Earth in paper mache puppet form.

Yeah, it's a crazy movie.

NICE TITLE CARD THAT DOESN'T MATCH THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE. 

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare opens confused as to which movie it actually is. *See Title Card above.

In a farmhouse somewhere in rural Canada, a Mother is making dinner when she opens the fridge and is attacked by what is presumably some bacon that's just had enough. Her husband arrives to investigate her screams, opens the oven, her skeleton pops out, her kid screams, and then while the opening credits are rolling, the camera moves around the house in a tracking shot which ends under the couch.

Gripping stuff.

I DON'T EVEN...

Cut to the open road and some bitchin' 80's Heavy Metal! Just as we start rockin' out to the killer riff, the asshole driving the van turns the channel to some crazy Canadian Rap song, and we get to watch the van ride slowly down the road... for the next three minutes. Now, three minutes doesn't seem like a very long time, but when you're watching something move very slowly from point a to point b, over and over again, it feels like an eternity. The bassline of that song playing all the while only makes it worse.

Finally we see a shot of the ominous farmhouse from the beginning, where some creepy music is playing, because the band has finally arrived... nope, still driving.

MANY ACTION. SO THRILL.

After cutting back and forth between shots of the house and a van driving down the road -for another two frigging minutes- the story finally make sit to the farmhouse, where Heavy Metal band, The Tritonz, plans to camp out for the next five weeks to record 10 minutes worth of new music. Just think about that for a minute.

The Tritonz are:

• Jon Triton: The buff yet not-intimidating-at-all rockin' lead singer who looks like a grown-up version of Carol Anne from Poltergeist. He lives to rock.
• Stiggy: A guy who we're pretty sure is Jewish, but manages to have the world's worst Australian accent for some unfathomable reason. He's the wacky one.
• Roger: Lame-ass newlywed.
• Max: The shy boy who can't score with girls.
• Dee Dee: The only chick in the band. Former frontwoman for the pop group, Butterface.

And the girls:

• Randy: Jon's girl, who exists only to make sex on command, and cheer him on blandly.
• Lou Anne: Totally hot, slutty, and a total bitch. Her name actually might be Gwen. I'm pretty sure they called her both during the movie.
• Mary: The other lame-ass newlywed. 
• Dee Dee: Also listed with the girls. She's totally hot from the neck down.
• Phil: The band's manager. He's listed with the girls because he's a bitch.

THEY LIVE TO ROCK.

After two minutes of time-lapse shots of the sky, some trees, and the moon, the tracking shot from the prologue returns and moves down the hallway... only to find the band eating dinner. No wonder it takes five weeks for them to record 10 minutes worth of new music: Canadian rockers have no work ethic!

After a few long minutes worth of shitty dinner conversation, Jon Triton says "Let's rock 'n roll!" and they all head to the barn to record We Live To Rock, which is little more than the band repeating the words "We Live, We Live To Rock" about 500 times.

Also, the band looks like Glass Tiger if it was fronted by the lead singer of Kix.

HE BORROWED THAT BLOUSE FROM HIS LADY.

While the band is rocking out, the tracking shot returns, and we finally get to see what has been creeping around the farm this whole time: a slime-vomiting penis puppet, which very suggestively "spews" some "slime" into Phil's coffee cup while he's watching the band rock out.

PHIL'S GONNA DRINK THAT PENIS SLIME-LACED COFFEE. HE'S TASTED IT BEFORE.

When Phil heads off to the basement to find some extra drumsticks (because what barn doesn't have a basement), slutty Lou Anne follows him down, and begins to seduce him...but then turns into a rubber monster and bites his neck!

THIS SLUTTY DEMON'S POWER IS CHLAMYDIA.

Assuming that Phil just went to town to get some more drumsticks (what small town in the Canadian wilderness doesn't have a plethora of drumsticks on hand for just such an emergency), everyone else retires to bed for the night, because singing one half-assed song is exhausting work. For the next 10 minutes though, instead of sleeping, we get to watch each of the couples make sweet, uninspired, ridiculous love. Or try to. Not all of them quite make it.

THEN THIS DEMONIC WHORE SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE. HONESTLY, WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?

The next morning, all rested after a sexy, sexy night, the band is in the barn, ready to rock out again. This time, the song is Energy, which is somehow 10 times lamer than We Live to Rock was. Lucky for us, band members start getting bumped off a lot quicker from here on out, because we can't take much more of this shitty music.

OR JON MIKL THOR'S BLOUSES.

AT THE LAKE, NEWLY DEMONIZED STIGGY GETS LOU ANNE NAKED, AND THEN A HAND BREAKS THROUGH HIS CHEST AND FONDLES HER BOOB. WASN'T SHE JUST A DEMON A FEW SCENES AGO THOUGH?

MAX ACTUALLY MANAGES TO STAY AWAKE AND HAVE SEX WITH DEE DEE THIS TIME.

AND THEN THIS SHOWER SCENE HAPPENS, AND MAKES US FEEL MORE UNCLEAN THAN WE EVER HAVE BEFORE.

Then, the little kid from the beginning shows up dressed like Chachi from Happy Days, and lures Max & Dee Dee into the barn where he turns into a rubbery monster and kills them via shadow puppetry.

RELAX, IT'S ALMOST OVER.

With everyone except for Triton and his band-aid missing, he decides that he's going to head into the barn and work on a new love song. At this point, it's like all of his friends are missing, and he's too stupid to realize that something's wrong. Just you wait though, because there's a big plot twist on the way!

RIGHT AFTER THE SECOND, LESS EXCITING DINNER SCENE.

As Triton toils away trying to spell the word "Love" for his new love song, the creepy penis puppets that have been stalking everybody from the start emerge, and try to take him out

"L... U... H... V... E..."

LITERALLY, A PENIS PUPPET.

Triton seems not to notice them though, until his girlfriend comes into the barn, yells at him for not paying enough attention to her, and then transforms into Bub. Beelzebub. Abaddon. Shaitan. Ahriman. Belial. Apollyon. Asmodeus. Just pick a name.

YEAH. THAT'S SATAN.

That's right, Satan (who is apparently a living ham barely held together by pipe cleaners) and his penis puppet army have finally revealed themselves to Jon Triton, and are intent on stopping him from making anymore shitty, shitty music... but he just laughs it off. Why? Because he's The Intercessor! What? Just go with it.

LOL

So Jon Triton is really the Archangel Triton, and he's been the only one on the farm the whole time. Confused? Well don't be. You see, Triton's bandmates and their ladies were only shadows that he created to draw Old Scratch and his phallic puppet cronies out into the light, so that they could do battle.

SO IF EVERYONE ELSE WAS JUST A "SHADOW" THEN WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HE DOING TO HIMSELF IN THE SHOWER?!?

As for the epic battle between good and evil, let's let this video serve as and example of how truly epic it is... or isn't, depending on your point of view.


Forget that Satan is hurling rubber starfish at his nearly-naked mortal enemy, what's even better is that this movie is so cheap and shitty that the dude has to catch them and hold them against his body and pretend like they're hurting him.

After the explosive starfish attack scene, Triton and Satan lock arms in a struggle for the very world itself, which is really three minutes of them grunting and grappling, and moving around in a circle. Like if The Ultimate Warrior was wrestling a mentally challenged Slim Jim, only not at Wrestlemania, but in a barn in Asscrack, Canada. 

I think we're done here.

"SEE YOU AGAIN, OLD SCRATCH!"

If we've learned anything from Rock N' Roll Nightmare, it's that Satan is made of ham, and only the spirit of Rock 'n' Roll can truly defeat him.

This is a really cheap, bad movie, but man it's also an endless source of laughter and guilty pleasure. Especially after a few beers.

You can buy Rock N' Roll Nightmare HERE.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is one of the best Bad Movies that our mortal eyes have ever witnessed.

It makes it to the top tier of our Threat Level Scale.

THREAT LEVEL 5: PRISON MIKE.