Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare was one of the very first Bad Movies that we watched as a group way back when, and it's still one of our faves.
Set on a farm in rural Canada, muscle-bound and well-oiled frontman John Triton and his half-assed heavy metal band, The Tritonz, open up a portal to hell with their shitty music, unleashing a horde of retarded puppets on the world. Triton is forced to oil up (even more), put on Rob Halford's leather-studded thong, and fight Satan himself, who has arrived on Earth in paper mache puppet form.
Yeah, it's a crazy movie.
|NICE TITLE CARD THAT DOESN'T MATCH THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE.|
In a farmhouse somewhere in rural Canada, a Mother is making dinner when she opens the fridge and is attacked by what is presumably some bacon that's just had enough. Her husband arrives to investigate her screams, opens the oven, her skeleton pops out, her kid screams, and then while the opening credits are rolling, the camera moves around the house in a tracking shot which ends under the couch.
|I DON'T EVEN...|
Finally we see a shot of the ominous farmhouse from the beginning, where some creepy music is playing, because the band has finally arrived... nope, still driving.
|MANY ACTION. SO THRILL.|
The Tritonz are:
- Jon Triton: The buff yet not-intimidating-at-all rockin' lead singer who looks like a grown-up version of Carol Anne from Poltergeist. He lives to rock.
- Stiggy: A guy who we're pretty sure is Jewish, but manages to have the world's worst Australian accent for some unfathomable reason. He's the wacky one.
- Roger: Lame-ass newlywed.
- Max: The shy boy who can't score with girls.
- Dee Dee: The only chick in the band. Former frontwoman for the pop group, Butterface.
And the girls:
- Randy: Jon's girl, who exists only to make sex on command, and cheer him on blandly.
- Lou Anne: Totally hot, slutty, and a total bitch. Her name actually might be Gwen. I'm pretty sure they called her both during the movie.
- Mary: The other lame-ass newlywed.
- Dee Dee: Also listed with the girls. She's totally hot from the neck down.
- Phil: The band's manager. He's listed with the girls because he's a bitch.
|THEY LIVE TO ROCK.|
After a few long minutes worth of shitty dinner conversation, Jon Triton says "Let's rock 'n roll!" and they all head to the barn to record We Live To Rock, which is little more than the band repeating the words "We Live, We Live To Rock" about 500 times.
Also, the band looks like Glass Tiger if it was fronted by the lead singer of Kix.
|HE BORROWED THAT BLOUSE FROM HIS LADY.|
|PHIL'S GONNA DRINK THAT PENIS SLIME-LACED COFFEE. HE'S TASTED IT BEFORE.|
|THIS SLUTTY DEMON'S POWER IS CHLAMYDIA.|
|THEN THIS DEMONIC WHORE SHOWS UP OUT OF NOWHERE. HONESTLY, WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?|
|OR JON MIKL THOR'S BLOUSES.|
|AT THE LAKE, NEWLY DEMONIZED STIGGY GETS LOU ANNE NAKED, AND THEN A HAND BREAKS THROUGH HIS CHEST AND FONDLES HER BOOB. WASN'T SHE JUST A DEMON A FEW SCENES AGO THOUGH?|
|MAX ACTUALLY MANAGES TO STAY AWAKE AND HAVE SEX WITH DEE DEE THIS TIME.|
|AND THEN THIS SHOWER SCENE HAPPENS, AND MAKES US FEEL MORE UNCLEAN THAN WE EVER HAVE BEFORE.|
|RELAX, IT'S ALMOST OVER.|
|RIGHT AFTER THE SECOND, LESS EXCITING DINNER SCENE.|
|"L... U... H... V... E..."|
|LITERALLY, A PENIS PUPPET.|
|YEAH. THAT'S SATAN.|
|SO IF EVERYONE ELSE WAS JUST A "SHADOW" THEN WHAT IN THE HELL WAS HE DOING TO HIMSELF IN THE SHOWER?!?|
Forget that Satan is hurling rubber starfish at his nearly-naked mortal enemy, what's even better is that this movie is so cheap and shitty that the dude has to catch them and hold them against his body and pretend like they're hurting him.
After the explosive starfish attack scene, Triton and Satan lock arms in a struggle for the very world itself, which is really three minutes of them grunting and grappling, and moving around in a circle. Like if The Ultimate Warrior was wrestling a mentally challenged Slim Jim, only not at Wrestlemania, but in a barn in Asscrack, Canada.
I think we're done here.
|"SEE YOU AGAIN, OLD SCRATCH!"|
This is a really cheap, bad movie, but man it's also an endless source of laughter and guilty pleasure. Especially after a few beers.
You can buy Rock N' Roll Nightmare HERE.
Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is one of the best Bad Movies that our mortal eyes have ever witnessed.
It makes it to the top tier of our Threat Level Scale.
|THREAT LEVEL 5: PRISON MIKE.|