VOD Review: Emelie (2016)

"These Lifetime Movies of the Week keep getting better and better."

There are two types of movies that make up the very small Babysitter sub-genre in Horror:

1- A sweet innocent babysitter/nanny is put in danger and must fight for their life. The danger usually comes in Slasher or Supernatural form. (Halloween, When a Stranger Calls, House of the Devil.)

2- A babysitter/nanny puts her charge(s) in danger, because they're either evil, psychotic, or they're Supernaturally charged themselves. (The Guardian, When the Hand Rocks the Cradle, The Omen.)

Either of those very basic plots can be excellent when done right, but when they're done wrong, they end up feeling like some harder-edged Lifetime Movie of the Week... which is usually not a good thing at all.

For better and worse, Emelie is a little bit of both.

A girl named Anna is kidnapped off of the street in broad daylight.

Later, as a mother and father are getting ready for a much needed night out (which ends up being a five hour dinner), their babysitter cancels on them, but says that her BFF Anna can fill in for her. Being shitty parents, they decide that leaving their kids with an absolute stranger is a fine idea, because they really need a night out.

"WELL, WE CERTAINLY FEEL GREAT ABOUT LEAVING OUR SMALL CHILDREN WITH YOU, GIRL WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE IN OUR LIVES."

Dad picks up Anna, whose name is really Emelie, and they head out for their big night, just knowing that they've left their kids in capable hands. Once mom and dad drive away however, Emelie begins to do some creepy and wholly inappropriate things with the kids: she has they tear up the furniture; paint on the walls; play dress up with forbidden clothing; she feeds the daughter's gerbil to the oldest son's python; asks the oldest son to help her with her tampon...

"IT'S HEAVY THIS MONTH, SO REALLY WORK IT IN THERE FOR ME, WOULD YA, KID?"

The oldest son, Jacob, eventually catches on to her game, and realizes that she isn't who she claims to be, and that they're all in trouble; especially the youngest son, Christopher, who Emelie has gone completely gaga over. From here on out, Emelie and Jacob become embroiled in a cat-and-mouse game that rivals anything that has ever aired on the Lifetime Network.

WHAT A TWIST THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN...

When Emelie works, it works fairly well. Early on, there's a lot of tension that runs through the movie that is undeniable, and when Emelie starts subjecting the kids to her cruel brand of fun-time activities, things get very uncomfortable. Most of the credit for that belongs to Sarah Bolger; as sweet as she may look, the girl plays darkly psychotic really well. She's far and away the best actor in this movie, and without her, I don't even know if it would have been palatable for me.

"LET ME READ FOR YOU THE STORY OF MY PEOPLE."

The main problem is that when Emelie does start to get disturbing, the filmmakers slam on the breaks and seem content to let the creepy shit happen around the periphery. The tampon scene went about as far as it could (and was a sufficient WTF moment), but everything else felt restrained. Most of it felt like something that could play on TV with no censorship whatsoever, which is fine, but what kind of an impact do filmmakers expect to make when they don't push potentially uncomfortable material like this as far as it can go?

I don't even know how far I think they should have pushed it, but all I'm saying is that there really wasn't one time throughout this movie where I was worried for the kids, or on the edge of my seat about anything. Sarah Bolger was compelling, and she kept things interesting for the most part, but this is one Thriller that doesn't really offer too many thrills.

NOW, IF SHE WOULD HAVE FED THE KID TO THE SNAKE...

It's really the script that's to blame for the movie's issues. Not only does it not make the most out of its creepy premise, and of Sarah Bolger's fantastically convincing performance as the mentally unstable babysitter, but it's so predictable and full of familiar tropes, that you can pretty much imagine how the movie is going to play out, step by step, right up to the point where the credits roll.

Not only is most of it predictable, but it's equally as implausible. How did Emelie know about the family, their babysitter, and her best friend who was going to fill in for her? And why would Emelie wait for so long into the evening to do what it was she came there to do? "Let's terrorize the kids, and then when the parents are on the way home, let's scramble like mad to execute the plan?" I know she was a nutjob, but come on.

THEY LOOK SO HAPPY.

And honestly, what kind of 11-year-old kid can't pick up a phone and dial 911? I yelled "Call your damn parents!" at Jacob multiple times, but I came to realize that in this day and age of cellphones, a kid like that might not know their number by heart. Hell, most adults don't know many phone numbers by heart anymore, because they don't need to. But 911? EVERYONE knows that number, and what it's for.

And what was with the flip phones and the VHS tape? Is this movie set in the 90's or something?

And what kind of asshole parents would leave their kids with a girl they've never met before, even if she was pretending to be a friend of a friend?

I'd really like to see a French Horror filmmaker do a movie like Emelie, because they'd probably be able to push the subject matter to the most horrific point, and maximize its terrifying potential... which would have made us care far less about the story elements that didn't quite ring true.

EMELIE BY WAY OF MARTYRS OR INSIDE WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL.

A babysitter is beaten to a pulp; and arm is cut; a gerbil meets a cruel end; and there's some fireworks violence and a car crash. Most of it is pretty tame.

SHE GOT KNOCKED THE FUGG OUT!

Nope. Not that kind of movie.

LOVELY, BUT FULLY CLOTHED.

If some strange substitute babysitter whom you've never met before shows up at your door, forget your special night and stay home. What kind of parents are you?

GIRL, YOU GOT SOME ISSUES.

I know it sounds like I hated this movie, but truth be told, Emelie is a decent movie that is kept from being good (or even great) by its own muddled mechanics. For me personally, I was happy to see this one just to watch Sarah Bolger do her thing, because she did it very well, but in the end I was left with a feeling of "well, that happened" when the credits started to roll.

All told, I'm probably being a bit generous with the grade here, but the movie is not without its merit.

C

Emelie is available now on VOD.

Sarah Bolger can babysit us anytime.