March 23, 2012

Bad Movies Ratings Key

Much like threat levels assigned to such heinous things as terrorism or nuclear attack, so do bad movies have their own threat levels. For bad movies, the higher the threat level, the more pain they inflict and we must endure.

Threat Level: Midnight- Movies don't get worse than this.
Sure, we stole that title from The Office, but it's funny as hell, and even more appropriate. On The Office, office boss Michael writes a screenplay which is truly atrocious, called Threat Level: Midnight. He makes his employees act it out, and it's just horrendously bad. Bad movies on this level are beyond any taste or comprehension.

For our purposes, it's a fun way to say "run while you can!"

Threat Level: Stingray- This is gonna hurt.
If you've never seen Undefeatable, it's the kind of movie that makes you wish harm on people, hence the Threat Level. The movie contains on of the absolutely worst fight scenes of all time, between the villain Stingray, and Cynthia Rothrock and some other just as lame hero dude. This stuff is painfully bad.

Threat Level: Nukie- More pain than pleasure.
Threat Level: Nukie represents those bad movies that are fun, funny, and yet they still make you want to push a small child down icy stairs by the time you're done watching them

Threat Level: Vanilla- More Pleasure than pain.
Threat Level: Vanilla is the borderline between pleasure and pain. These movies are God awful, and yet you can't help but hold some affection for them. It's almost as if your laughter takes away some of the pain while watching.

Threat Level: Buddy- So bad you can't help but love it.
Threat Level: Buddy represents those movies that suck so bad that you can't stop laughing about them, sometimes for the rest of your life. You quote them, fondly remember their scenes, and smile every time they come to mind. Also, they make you cry sometimes.

This is the good kind of suck. Mostly.

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