March 31, 2009

Theatrical Review: The Last House on the Left (2009)

Perhaps one of the best horror remakes I've seen...
In Attendance- Me, and some guy two rows up that kept rubbing his crotch with his popcorn bag...
Cast Members of Note- The always awesome Tony Goldwyn, the always hot Monica Potter, the totally legal Sara Paxton, creepy Garret Dillahunt, and Superbad Martha MacIssac.

A family goes on a retreat to their lake house (the last one on the left) after their eldest child dies, to get their heads straight and have some "me" time. In a smart move, the 17-year-old daughter takes off into town, hooks up with her slutty, drug-addict friend, and they hook up with a kid who looks like a serial killer... based on his promise of some good weed.

Seems legit.
The creepy kid's family is also on a retreat... from the law! When they interrupt the weed fest/makeover/potential threesome, everything goes to hell for the dumb girls. Violence, rape, and murder ensues.

Oh yeah, I'd let them in.
After "taking care" of the girls, the creepy family heads to the good family's house for some medical attention, hot cocoa, and some much needed R & R. It's not long before the good family realizes what happened to their baby girl, and decides to fuck the creepy family up. I won't spoil what happens next for you here, but suffice it to say that the mighty hammer of justice swings, destroying everything in its path.

Oh man, that creepy family is so screwed!
This is not a date movie. It's nasty, uncomfortable, hard to watch in parts, and extremely violent. It's also a hell of a film which is acted and directed to near perfection, and ends up being satisfying in just about every way imaginable. I personally think it improves on the original in many ways, but then again it's a different era and the remake sets a different tone.

I give a lot of credit to Sara Paxton for taking a role that must have been excruciatingly hard to play in some parts, and acing it. I also love Tony Goldwyn; he's always good in whatever role he plays and he's near flawless as the dad in this. Monica Potter rocked too. Plus, she's as hot as her on-screen daughter is, so double bonus for us. Garret Dillahunt played the updated version of Krug rather convincingly as well; somewhat likable, totally loathsome, and just nasty. Great job.

Dennis Iliadis directed the hell out of this movie, and he has a bright future ahead of him. He created a dark and foreboding atmosphere, and made the story believable. Most bigger-budget American Made Horror films fail to reach this level or craft and realism anymore. Kudos my good sir.

She looks so peaceful...
How stupid are Teenage girls? I know that question can often times be rhetorical, but in this case, I need to know. A random, shady-looking stranger kid comes into your store, offers you weed, and you close up shop, head to his dirty motel room, and give him a makeover? If that doesn't spell "potential rape," I don't know what does.

Beautiful, but dim.
Watching your friend be stabbed multiple times, then being raped while you watch her lay there and die... That's beyond F'd up.

Creepiest car ride ever.
Rape, impromptu stitches, stabbing, nose breaking/tweaking, and all kinds of miscellaneous havoc is wreaked by some pissed-off parents!

So, how was the weed?
This movie made me afraid to think of anything sexual while watching it. There are some boobs though. And a butt cheek.

She can stay in there all day and she'll still be dirty.
"Do you want to know how tight your little Homecoming Queen was?"

Never rape someone's daughter then sleep at her parents house. Also, never run off to smoke weed with random, skanky-looking kids.

This is a superb remake which surpasses the original in many ways, and still manages to be a good movie all on its own. Catch it in Theaters if you haven't already, or grab it when it hits DVD later this year.


The Last House on the Left is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

My room is the last one on the left, ladies.


  1. Monica Potter is amazig. She like Julia Roberts if Julia Roberts wasn't secretly a robot.

  2. I saw the Wes Craven one when I was in high school...and it down right made me sick.

    If you say the updated version "improves on the original"... I can only imagine it being more fucked up.

    This may put me off rape jokes... at least for a while.

  3. She purred as he pulled out, rolling onto her side as he moved aside. He stood still, letting them look their fill as they slowly filed into the room. Why worry him? Eyrhaen thought to watch Tykir suck him. She waited until her breathing felt right again. He gave her a mock glare and flicked at her ear. Sitting up, she rubbed her hands. Soon Eyrhaen was whimpering as she sucked on Hyle, riding the rock of his hips. To Eyrhaen, they all looked rather comfortable together in the domestic scene. What was that swelling feeling deep inside her chest? He says we need to all make our choices, and his heart chooses you. Dont expect me to like it, and dont expect me to let you tease me! Brevins voice was so close, she had to open her eyes. What shed done before had only amplified it. Then, when she started babbling, begging for more, he picked up speed. It didnt look like any of the stone or woodcarved trees. You didnt have to knock. We enjoyed each other, but the whole aim was to see how Eyrhaen would react. She knew if she did, that would be it. She giggled, transferring her lips to his neck and jaw.

  4. I just have one thing to say about this film. The pistol shot while the young woman is swimming is IMPOSSIBLE. It would not happen.
    Other than that, the rest of the movie gave me a fantastic feeling of retribution. They all needed to die.
    Once again, coming from someone who enjoys peeling back caps, that shot was not possible.
    The only redeeming part of that situation was that the bullet would not have had much penetration, which was portrayed in the film. Kudos, and grats on that.
    This movie overall, undoubtably a top three favorite in recent memory.

  5. great film! great acting.. and great review, sir!
    anto fm italy

  6. The Skanky Kid And His D Bag Dad Looked Close To The Same Age. Did He Knock Someone Up When He Was Like 14?