November 12, 2008

Solo Review: The Cottage (2008)
Sub-Genre- Survival/Comedy
Cast Members of Note- Andy Serkis (Gollum), Doug Bradley (Pinhead), and the hot as hell Jennifer Ellison.

Two brothers kidnap a hot as all hell, foul-mouthed British chick... and they don't even so much as grab her boob while she's tied up! What's with that!?! They manage to foul everything else up too, hiding out at a secluded cottage in the English countryside which ends up being pretty bad for them...

Once the Asian gangsters show up, and piss off the local mongoloid farmer, everyone is screwed, and I mean literally; it involves sharp farm tools and a ton of pent-up anger. And sheep. It's all fairly disturbing.

I won't spoil the third reel action for you here, but suffice it to say that having perfect boobs does not mean you will survive a damn thing.

"What is he doing with that sheep?"
It takes about 35 minutes for The Cottage to actually turn into a Horror movie, but when it does, it actually turns out to be pretty decent one. It's nothing we haven't seen before (then again, what ever is?), but it manages to entertain despite its flaws.

Jennifer Ellison and Andy Serkis steal the show here, and more accurately, they save it; one of them with their hot ass, the other with their tough and gritty portrayal. We'll leave it to you to decide which is shich. It turns out that Andy Serkis can actually act without CGI, which was a nice surprise for us. Nice job, Andy! Also, nice job on the whole "looking hot while barely clothed" thing, Jennifer!

I really liked the very last scene, as it was pretty creepy in its own way, but I'm not sure what they were going for with the scene after the credits though...

I mean, I'll have to get on a ladder, but I'm down!
English humor is a very dry thing, and in most cases, it's not really funny. The tongue-in-cheek atmosphere is heavy in this flick, but it's just not all that humorous to me.

"Please, no more Mr. Bean."
As hot as she was, Jennifer Ellison's character was far too annoying to put up with.

So much attitude.
Severed limbs, stabbings, some cool shovel violence, bear traps!, groin violence, multiple farm implements used inappropriately... The second half of this flick delivers the bloody goods.

That's right, Mongoloid Mike, that's for raking faces.
We get to see Jennifer Ellison peeing. Yay. Another colossal waste of great boobs.

For the love of...
"That's for everything you've ever done."

Mouthy bitches always get what's coming to them... so mind your manners, ladies! Also, don't trespass on a farmer's land, especially when the farmer happens to be a mutant cannibal.

She had it coming.
Not a bad offering from the U.K., The Cottage is a decent overall film. It's a bunch of shameless, bloody fun that you'll most likely enjoy, just maybe give it a rent before you buy it, to be on the safe side.


The Cottage is available now on DVD and VOD.

Damn she's hot.


  1. I had never been a fan of dark comedies till I watched this one and Otis. I really liked The Cottage. British humor does take some getting use to. Severance wasn't too bad either I thought. Good post!

  2. The Cottage was above average, but I LOVED Severance.

    Otis... I thought the 1st half was brilliant, and then the film lost in once the family began their "Revenge."

  3. This movie was pretty sweet. I normally can't stand the whole cannibal/ psycho hillbillies thing, only cause it's been done so much. But this was both freaky and funny. Went well with beers... Not to mention that chick was freakin hot!

  4. For more British humour, read my blog every couple of days. Be warned though - it's not funny.

  5. our Jen was well annoying in scouser soap opera Brookside. She was in her school uniform most of the time tho. You'd love it. I think the brother/sister incest lovers might've been her neighbors as well as Jimmy 'Badbwoy' Corkhill the local smackhead.
    I'm sure youtube will satisfy you're cravings.
    Ain't seen cottage tho, but Reece Shearsmith was in a fucking tremendous tv series on BBC2 called 'The League of Gentlemen'. You owe it to yourself to watch these. Especially the 3rd series. This was a well creepy, disturbing & hilarious black comedy show.

  6. Rhino, I'm definitely going to check out that League of Gentlemen...

    And Jen in a school outfit... youtube here I come! :)