"If nothing else, Hollywood sure knows how to release, generic, bland Horror movies."
*There were a handful of movies in 2015 that we wanted to review, but didn't get to, so we're just going to go ahead and give them the Quick Review treatment now. We'll keep it really short and sweet.
Olivia Taylor Dudley was about the only thing about this movie that was worth noting. Sure that sounds kinda harsh, but listen, we're very judgemental... especially after sitting through a bad movie like this one.
Especially when said movie wastes the acting talents of guys like
Djimon Honsou,
Michael Pena, and
Dougray Scott the way that this one did.
For shame.
After a hot, sexy, gorgeous, curvy, sassy girl cuts her hand cutting the cake at her own birthday party; ODs on painkillers; crashes a cab; tries to give a baby a bath; resists arrest; and talks to walls, everyone around her becomes convinced that she's possessed by
Satan. Because they're obviously all sexist jerks, or something.
 |
| SHE'S POSSESSED ALRIGHT. WITH SEXINESS. |
Having caught wind of this, two
Vatican Priests (a Vicar and a Cardinal) decide to show up and try to exorcise the evil from the poor, hot girl, which results in them forcing her to eat communion wafers, and pulling eggs out of her mouth... which prompts her to levitate, kill everyone, and then go on a press tour. We can't make this shit up, folks.
WTF-ocrity ensues.
 |
| JUST WHY. |
The problem with
The Vatican Tapes, aside from its shitty script, is that it's a decent little movie, but it just isn't scary at all. Like
Lifetime Movie of The Week type of not scary. There were plenty of scenes throughout where we could tell that we were supposed to be scared, but if anything, they induced more laughs than they did fear.
It was all too tame and watered-down to be intense, which I suppose was by design, because they needed a
PG-13 rating or something.
 |
| LOTS OF POTENTIAL HERE, NONE OF WHICH WAS REACHED. |
Despite having very little to work with script-wise,
Olivia Taylor Dudley was pretty solid in the lead role of the possessed girl. If she can get herself in some better movies, she's got a decent career ahead of her. She actually looked like a young
Patricia Arquette at times in this one, which is a good thing in our book, and it made us think of
Stigmata, which is a far superior possession movie.
While this movie just didn't work for us on most levels, we do have to say that we liked the ending a lot. Too bad they didn't spend more time exploring the place where the story ended up, instead of about 80% of what came before it.
 |
| YEAH, US TOO. |
Far too bland, predictable, familiar, and un-scary for us to take it at all seriously,
The Vatican Tapes was a misfire on nearly every level. You should really wait until it hits
Netflix if you want to give it a go, because paying to see it will only send filmmakers a message that this kind of shit is alright.
Which it most certainly is not.
D+
The Vatican Tapes is available now on
Blu-ray,
DVD, and
VOD.
At least the movie featured
Olivia Taylor Dudley,
Alison Lohman, and
Kathleen Robertson, which made it fairly tolerable. Kinda.
I couldn't find Alisa Lohman here. Where is she?
ReplyDeleteShe had a cameo as an asylum patient. Her husband directed the movie.
DeleteOMG, I forgot about this thing. I remember watching is and thinking that is was actually some kind of joke. It was like they didn't even bother to process the film, which is the first thing I noticed and had me put off without even being able to get into any more than that. It was if they just filmed it with a cell phone and edited it, and put it out just like that. They must have begged Pena to be in this movie, becuase I just didn't understand why he could be in something so horrible.
ReplyDelete