The Oregonian (2012)

This is simply one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.

We completely understand that the term "worst ever" is used far too loosely by people these days, so before you ask us if that qualifier is truly deserved in this case, let me tell you that we've endured some horrendous movies in our time; Ice From the Sun, Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, The Apple... Hell, long before there was a THC, we were a collective of fools who relished getting together and watching bad movies. For fun.

We were actually The Bad Movie Club. True story.

We used to buy each other bad movies for Birthdays and Christmas, each of us trying to out-do the other's level of awful. We tried to find the worst movies ever, and I mean painfully bad movies; not just something like Gigli which is amateur hour as far as bad movies go. All of it was done with the intention of pissing each other off. We'd get together once a week and watch 2 or 3 bad movies; sometimes we laughed, sometimes people got slapped... honestly, there were times when people got slapped.

I say all of that to illustrate the point that The Oregonian is a movie that would have definitely earned a slap or two back in our bad movie days. Maybe even a gentle choking. It's a tough one to endure.

If only she could kill the memory of this film...

A girl gets into a car accident, wanders around in a daze and encounters odd people. That's the entire plot and point of the movie. We're treated to a ton of shaky-cam; lots of loud, jarring music and noises; characters that appear and do nothing aside from smile for minutes on end; and a mess of other nonsensical shit that made us wonder if the whole thing wasn't just some big joke.

We're convinced that Calvin Reeder made this movie for the sole purpose of annoying, and even angering, his potential audience. Nothing else can even begin to explain why this messy, contrived, awful movie even exists... unless he and everyone involved were on acid and meth and just decided one day "Dude, let's make a movie!" That would actually explain a lot.

This movie isn't deep and creatively bold as some "smart fans" of the Internet would have you believe; on the contrary, 73 users on IMDB have given The Oregonian a crazy good score of 7.3, which is absolute proof that those numbers are skewed. The only decent thing about the movie is True Blood's Lindsay Pulsipher, who for some reason has appeared in multiple projects directed by Reeder. Not even her adorability saves this movie, the highlights of which involve a guy pissing a rainbow, someone sharing recipes for omelette's, people vomiting what looks like black blueberry pie-filling, and someone in a frog costume with a googly eye, standing around and jerking off inside the suit whenever the mood strikes them.

Oh, it's artistic. Got ya.

How this movie made it into Sundance is a mystery of epic proportions. A little google research on our part and we found that many people left the movie mid-play to escape the screeching noises, and the atrocious everything else.

If it's that easy to get a film into Sundance, be on the lookout next year for our entry entitled "The Detroiter"; it's the story of a white guy who wakes up in the middle of Detroit and tries to find his way back home, while stopping every so often to masturbate with bacon and scream the lyrics to Bon Jovi songs. Before long, the midget mimes catch him and try to make him drink their "Blue Milk." Somewhere in there we'll have a Unicorn dance-off scene too. It's going to be deep.

We feel bad for all of last years "worst of" movies that we hated on, because none of them were this bad. They sucked, but at least they tried to make some sense and just failed. The Oregonian is a bunch of odd visuals, painful noises, and horrible camera work/editing, slapped together just for the sake of being slapped together.  

2012 is going to have to work hard to give us a movie worse than this. Watch at your own risk.

At least Lindsay Pulsipher is cute.