April 29, 2009

#27- Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972)

Meh, this one is nowhere near as good as I remember it being... 

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
Sub-Genre- Zombie
In Attendance- Me, Eryn and VG... Cherrie called in sick because she had company.
Cast Members of Note- Alan Ormsby; Directed by all-time great Bob Clark.

What's it about?- Evil overlord and melodramatic theater boss, Alan, drags his inept thespian group to a deserted island to mock the Prince of Darkness and constantly threaten their jobs. He's assisted by two overly-flaming gay guys, Roy and Emerson, who dress up as a vampire and a zombie to scare everyone and show them that Alan is above them all.

Relax folks, they're married; it's completely natural.
For the next hour or so we get to listen to Alan talk down to people, marry a corpse, yell, self-pontificate, rant, rave and carry on like an odoriferous scalawag. The best part of it all is that for all of his condescending and lording, he doesn't realize he's wearing the worst pair of pants ever; they're like a multicolored, striped-Lycra portal to hell that you can't take your eyes off of or stop laughing at.

Those pants are not groovy nor are they far-out, man.
After an impromptu black magic ceremony, all hell breaks loose; I won't spoil any more for you here, but suffice it to say that the zombies only show up for about 20 minutes towards the end.

This movie is so dull that even the zombies fell asleep.
The Good- I remember this movie so fondly from my childhood; not only were scenes from the flick used along with a Led Zeppelin song to make up the creepy opening to the Saturday afternoon Creature Features show that I loved, but it also scared me to death. Looking at this film again now, I have no idea why. Once things actually get going, about an hour and ten minutes into the movie, they work fairly well. The zombies look cool and work, though they're pretty light on the blood. I can say nothing better about this movie.

The Bad- Watching this movie is like having someone beat the hell out of your for an hour and five minutes, and then turn around and take you for ice cream.

"Can we please just get our ice cream now?"
The Downright Horrendous- The late Bob Clark was a great director, bringing us classic flicks like Black Christmas, Murder by Decree, Porky's I & II, and a movie that is an all time classic in many people's hearts, A Christmas Story. I was also partial to Rhinestone too. He only hints at his genius here, which is sad, because this movie had so much potential; I guess that's why it's being remade.

The Gory- Once things actually start to happen in this movie, we get some gore, but it's fairly tame by zombie flick standards.

The Naked- No, and with the quality of chicks on display in this movie, I'm fine with that.

Best Line- "I peed in my pants!"

What did we learn?- Not to play with dead things if you're a child. Also, everyone in the 70's deserved to die.

D+ (4.0/10) I want to recommend this one, I really do, but most of it is so painful that even the cool zombie-filled ending doesn't completely save it. Check it out if you love cheesy 70's horror or zombie flicks, but other than that, you're not missing much.

The Vanilla Gorilla Says- He didn't say anything actually, he just peed in his pants.

"Booga booga!"

April 27, 2009

The New Moon werewolves?

I know Twilight in no way counts as a horror flick, but I just had to... This pic surfaced recently, depicting the werewolf clan from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon. As if the vampires in Twilight weren't lame enough, this is what's supposed to strike fear into the hearts of 11 year-old girls everywhere? Seriously, they look like Menudo, only more gay. I guess it caters to the Twilight demographic though, which is apparently gay Menudo fans. Or teenage girls. *and before anybody asks, no, I have no issue with gay people, not one bit; I just can't bring myself to accept that werewolves actually look like Venezuelan cabana boys.

April 26, 2009

April- Week 4; The Week in "Do not want!"

We've seen them, we don't want to waste time reviewing them, we advise you to skip them.

The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi- Whoever told October Kingsley that she could act/write/direct/produce lied to her. Also, where are her eyebrows? Yuck. This movie is about as engaging as the average late night Cinemax skin flick; except it's worse in just about every way.  

Some observations:
-Whatever blackmail material the producers of this film have on Faye Dunaway must be powerful stuff; like her making snuff films with orphans or something.
-Do you really need an AK-47 to kill a chicken?
-October Kingsley is a horrible actress. She should also never be let near a pen or camera again either. -Troma is capable of WAY better than this.
  Frayed- The "reviewers" on IMDB compared this shit-brick to Halloween and High Tension, which is complete bullshit. I was almost going to review this one normally, you know, give it a chance, but the ending just sealed it for me. Is this movie about a security guard being chased through the woods? What a shit twist. Oh wait, a twist after the twist? It's not a twist, just something they don't tell the audience but the characters know? Molested by a fucking clown? Dad? Unbelievable.

The Poker Club- Yay. Another "Oh shit, someone died accidentally but instead of calling the cops we should dump the body somewhere and pretend it never happened" flicks! This plot setup is just about as tired as the "A couple/a group of friends head into the woods and encounter mongoloid locals/unspeakable evil/unspeakable mongoloid evil" bit. I can deal with either of those plot lines, if the movie is done well, which this one just isn't. Predictable, bland, and filled with wild twists that no one cares about, this is Sci-Fi Channel material at best.
  The Caretaker- Why do I always fall for the straight-to-DVD garbage like this? I don't mind small budgets and minimalism, as long as the movie has heart; on the flip side, I don't mind lack of heart if the blood and gore is palpable. Nothing made any sense, the acting and story were equally awful...  

Some observations:
-Judd Nelson? What the hell happened to his career?
-Jennifer Tilly is the best part of this movie, and even she's horrible.
-"Your loss is my gain, muscle boy." What kind of dialogue is that?
-How can a teen slasher have gratuitous amounts of boobage on display, and yet barely any blood.
-What was with "Rapey" the limo driver? He was so skeevy I thought that I was gonna get raped.
-The blond chick was hot.
-What a horrible ending.

Cranky Old Man says: "That'll be just about enough of that shit!"

One-Eyed Monster (2009)

To say that I was totally surprised by this one is a gross understatement... Oh, and this review contains just a bit more vulgarity than usual, so be warned...

One-Eyed Monster (a.k.a. Ron Jeremy's Cock kills People) 
Sub-Genre- Horror Comedy/Killer Penis
Cast Members of Note- Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy's penis, Amber Benson, Charles Napier and Veronica Hart.

Ron Jeremy's dick has been terrorizing the Porn world for over four decades now, and finally we have proof that it can kill. The crew of a Porn shoot heads into the deep woods to make their movie called "Animatronic Donkey Blues", full of energy and ready to tap little Johnny behind the ear all weekend.

The face of a sex murderer!
A Celestial event sends a shooting star blazing towards earth, and naturally it takes aim at Ron Jeremy's penis; where else would you want to strike if you were a shooting star, other than maybe Bea Arthur's vagina? (Oddly enough, I wrote the Bea Arthur bit before I heard of her death today. R.I.P. Bea, thank you for being a friend.)

He's got "the glow", just like Taimak did in The Last Dragon!
The now "possessed" RJ heads inside to do his scene, and nearly screws Veronica Hart to death; luckily the guys rig up a Super 'pon made from 6-8 smaller tampons, and save her from bleeding to death. The can't save poor RJ though, as his penis rips free from his droopy body and decides to go on a rape/murder spree. From this point forward it's the unsuspecting porn crew against an Intergalactic-mutant version of Ron Jeremy's joint; and something other than the shit hits the fan. I won't spoil what happens next here, but suffice it to say that they don't call it a trap for nothing.

This is a trap, not the trap I was cleverly referring to.
I absolutely laughed my ass off during this movie, and wasn't at all embarrassed that I did. It's got such a cheesy premise, and stars such B-list talent, that I was expecting another cringe-inducing pile of dung, but I was very pleasantly surprised to find it anything but. Just imagine John Carpenter's The Thing, but with an Alien Cock causing all of the mayhem, and that's basically what you get here. The great part about this movie is that it doesn't take itself seriously at all, but they play it serious. If you've seen 2006's horror comedy gem Black Sheep, then you'll have an idea of what this movie is like.

Amid the hi-jinks and hilarity, this movie managed Hto pull off a fairly creepy scene.
I've got to take a minute to talk about Ron Jeremy: He can't act for shit, but he has a really endearing human quality about him that really makes me like him. The MEGA-HUGE Porn icon has wanted to be successful in legitimate film for a long time, but he just doesn't have the chops. Still, movies like this make me cheer for him and his dream.

Ladies of the world, please let me talk to you for a minute about penis; it's dangerous, and can potentially kill you. And while we all love Porn -and the fact that you're enough of a Whore to make it and document your sex on video for us- the fact of the matter is that penis kills. Is it worth your life? I hope this movie will really make you think.

Ron Jeremy has had sex with more women than every other man alive... put together! It's a wonder his wang hasn't turned on him before this.

There's some gore and blood in this, but there's also a lot of... um... well... sperm too. Either way, it gets messy.

Why does this remind me of Alien?
It's a movie about a Killer Dick on a Porn shoot, you would think it would have had more in the way of T&A, wouldn't you? Well, not so much. We did get some nakedness, but it was mostly courtesy of Ron Jeremy's sweaty man-boobs.

Guess which one we get to see nakie?
I could list them all day as this movie was full of great lines:
"With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip."
"We're gonna need a bigger tampon."
"I know you dug him, but that's his dick out there and it's a mass-murderer!"
"Wanna know what hell sounds like? I think it sounds like 30 men getting massacred by a dick!"
Director- "Ok Ron, take off your sweater." RJ- "I'm not wearing a sweater."
This movie was funny as hell.

Lidocaine... who knew? Also, "Suzy Chang's Crab Roll" is an actual film. Again, who knew?

This movie is funny as hell, and works perfectly as a Horror Comedy. Just like Black Sheep, Shaun of the Dead, or Slither, it's played almost totally for laughs while fitting neatly into the Horror framework. Don't expect perfection, and I think you'll really enjoy this one.


April 23, 2009

Poltergay- This movie actually exists

While looking for pictures on google, I found this poster for Poltergay; a movie about a straight guy haunted by fabulously gay ghosts. Check out the trailer if you want proof that the French are truly out of their minds. And what's with the cat meowing throughout the trailer? I'm guessing he's gay too.

April 20, 2009

Sorority House Massacre (1986)

With all of the crap horror movies I've been seeing lately, I had to go back to an 80's Slasher for some relief... I found very little.

Sorority House Massacre  
Sub-Genre- Slasher  
In Attendance- Me   
Cast Members of Note- Angela O'Neill, Wendy Martel, and Pamela Ross 
What's it about?- A really boring chick is pledging a Sorority that lives in her childhood home; of course she doesn't remember this, nor does she remember that her brother slaughtered everyone in her family except for her in the very same house. This amazing premise sets up 40 minutes or so of lame flashbacks/dreams involving mannequins and marbles, and plenty of blank stares from her.  

Nice hair, Courtney Cox.
When her brother (who is locked up in an insane asylum) senses her presence in their old house (lol), he starts going ape-shit crazy and escapes. He's determined to rip off Halloween and head home to kill her, and stab the floor. At least we get a female "Dr. Loomis" in this one; she doesn't do much at all, except fail at her job and investigate things from her living room, but hey, she's trying, right?

What is this, method killing?
Anyways, after an impromptu clothes changing montage, some guys show up and everyone starts getting picked off one by one. I won't say what happens next (because 80's slashers are always such a rick and rewarding mystery), but suffice it to say that the 80's kinda sucked.

The Good- Aside from being a blatant rip-off of Halloween, having some weak acting, and boasting one of the lamest killers ever put to film, it managed to have a creepy moment here or there. It's a fun movie to watch if you miss the old days, when it seemed like there was a cheesy slasher movie on every corner, or if you like bad hairdo's and horrible fashion.  

Other than that it pretty much sucked. 
The Bad- How is it possible to jump from the ground, and do a barrel-roll through a second story window? That literally happened in this movie. 

The Downright Horrendous- I'm not exactly sure why , but the trailer for this movie uses footage from Slumber Party Massacre... Did they run out of money, not care, or were they just confused?
The Gory- We definitely get some old fashioned 80's style slasher gore in this one. At least that's something.

How did he even get up there?
The Naked- This is an 80's slasher flick, of course we get some boobs and butts!

Best Line- "That's him, that's the guy from my dream!"

What did we learn?- Roger Corman may have been involved in every movie ever made. Also, it's good that the 80's are over.

D+ (4.5/10) This movie is a mess from the start; from the rip-off plot, to the lame killer, to the overall suck-ability of everything else... and yet it is marginally fun from a nostalgia point of view. If it's on TV, watch it. If not, don't bother seeking it out.     

It kinda ripped off A Nightmare on Elm Street too.  

April- Week 3; The Week in "Do Not Want!"

We saw some real clunkers this week...

We've seen them, we don't want to waste time fully reviewing them, we advise you to skip them.
  Death Factory: Bloodletting- Combine elements of Feast, The Devil's Rejects and a kiddie pool filled with week-old vomit, and you have Death Factory: Bloodletting. I had high hopes for this one, but it totally failed on too many levels to be redeemable. Blood and boobs; it delivers. Script, acting, story, acting, the "hip" style, story and acting; fail. Next time maybe try making an effective horror movie instead of trying to be hip and "on the edge", or whatever the hell it was that the producers trying to do.  

Some observations:
-Once character hides a 9mm gun and extra bullets in her hoo-ha.
-Were treated to such witty dialogue as "I'm on the rag. Happy trails, fucker!" and "If you try to leave the premise, you die."
-The characters are named White Manson, Slutty Baby, Rubber Love, Black Johnson, Gretel and Hansel, The Cock-Master, Massive 9, and Crazy Fucker. Yeah.
-Looking like Jesus and acting like Charles Manson doesn't make you compelling.
  Ghosts of Goldfield- What a waste of Rowdy Roddy Piper; that guy usually tends to rule (re: They Live), but here he's doing the job to a crap movie. Aside from some cute girls, this movie really has nothing to offer in the way of story, acting and above all, scares. Jump scares and quick cuts do not = scary.  

Some observations:
-What was with the lame "Ghost voices?"
-Marnette Peterson is hot. 
-Poor Rowdy Roddy... They absolutely wasted him here. Hot Rod deserves better than this!
-Do Cell Phones ever get signals in Horror movies? EVER?!?
  Virus Undead (2008)- As someone of German heritage, it pains me to bash a movie made in The Hinterland, but this one was just bad. Maybe they should have stuck to filming it in German as opposed to English, as most of it came of really cheesy and awkward. I guess the best way to describe the movie is that it's a really weak version of 28 Days Later? Bad, bad, bad. What the hell just happened?  

Some observations:
-Evil birds? What?
-Did they plan on the opening credits sequence to be a rip off of 2004's Dawn of the Dead?
-It takes about 42 minutes for anything to happen. Then, nothing really good does.
-The Willhelm Scream was at least fun.

April 18, 2009

Naboer (2005)

Another solid Norwegian horror flick... what the hell is going on here?

Sub-Genre- Norwegian Horror
Cast Members of Note- Kristoffer Joner, Cecilie Mosli, Julia Schacht, and Anna Bache-Wiig.

Naboer is about Women, and how crazy they all seem to be. Poor John is an average guy that gets dumped by his girlfriend; but not only did she leave him, she tells everyone about his intimate problems, not respecting his feelings at all! Also, she took all of the A-ha records, which is just low in my book.

"Put down the A-ha CD's or you're going to have to take on me!"
Soon after the shrew leaves him, he meets two odd-yet-hot sluts that live next door, and quickly gets sucked into a world of Fight Club-sex and fear. I'm not sure, but I think the guy gets raped. I can't say too much more about the plot or else I risk giving too much away, but suffice it to say that this movie made me feel dirty in a few different ways.

She is dirty in her own special way.
At only 72 minutes, this movie was lean and tight, and kept me intrigued the whole time. Mix some Hitchcock with some David Lynch, and add a bit of Session 9 and you have the makings of the well executed psycho-sexual study in paranoia that is this film. The mysterious tension in this one is palpable from start to finish, even when you think you've got the movie all figured out. The sex scene is a good example of this; both alluring and profoundly disturbing at the same time, you find that you can't look away even though you really should.

"Until after-death do us part."
Helping people is overrated, and especially helping hot chicks. Are they ever worth the trouble? I don't know; the short term can be rewarding, but in the end you're going to pay the price and be left holding the bag. By that I mean holding your own bag. That's a sexual innuendo.

I don't ever condone a man hitting a woman; unless it's to actually save your life, it's just wrong. That being said, some of the bitches in this movie deserved a good crack in the fucking mouth.

The smile is a lie.
There's not much gore in this one, but we do get some disturbing visuals, and a rather bloody sex scene.

This movie is dirtier than Lindsay Lohan's hamper; nasty sex, filthy talk, and a good amount of T&A.

I have nothing to say about this.
"Ssh. Ssh... Ssh." or  "Different strokes for different folks."

I think at this point it's safe to say that women can't be trusted. Also, women don't wear bra's in Norway.

This little movie just knocked my socks off. It's tight, terse, disturbing, well shot and has a nice and quick pace. Check it out if you can find the DVD; though this movie is a few years old, Norway is turning out some pretty decent Horror flicks of late.


It's not worth it, dude! Or maybe it is. Ok, it is.