DVD Review: The Children (2009)

Cast Members of Note- The lovely Hannah Tointon, Rachel Shelley, and Eva Birthistle. Also, a gaggle of really creepy kids.

Two families gather to celebrate the holidays in the quaint and gorgeous countryside of England... and if you've seen any type of European Horror films lately, then you know that absolutely nothing good will come of this holiday gathering.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet "nothing good."

Upon arriving, one of the kids notices something odd in the brush, and goes to investigate, soon after which he gets sick and starts acting all kinds of weird. It spreads quickly to the other kids, and though they act odd and even mildly crazy, the adults don't seem to notice at all... maybe because they're too busy drinking and having fun to see that they're all about to die.

"Um, are the kids acting a bit... screw it, let's do more shots!"

It's not long before a series of "accidents" begins to befall the adults, and everyone devolves into a state of retarded confusion. The oldest child, teenager Casey, knows something is up though; Goth kids have a sixth sense about evil children. Wikipedia says so.

I won't spoil the rest of what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that the shit hits every type of fan ever made, and the f'ing air conditioner too.

"These kids are creepier than I am, and I'm Goth!"

Dread and unease permeate this movie and never really seem to let up, and neither does the vicious violence and gore. When all of those elements are mixed together, they basically have a square dance on your nuts until you end up hiding in your closet and crying like a small child. Alright, I may be exaggerating just a tiny bit, but this is one taxing movie, and that's no joke.

I have no words to describe this scene, nor the hinted-at subplot which inspired it.

This movie is profoundly disturbing, and left us feeling a bit numb at the end. It only give us bits and pieces of reasons why the children turned on their parents, and that may be the worst part of the whole affair. Actually, the worst part is probably the fact that 6 and 7-year-old kids are hell-bent on killing their parents, but not knowing why is still a pretty big deal.

The ending was one of the best we've seen in quite a while too. It came out of nowhere, and chilled us to the bone. It also left us with questions which we wish we had definitive answers too, but hey, at least it made us think.

"Like seriously, WTF?!?"

Great Britain has hippies? Yes they do! I thought it was a California Dreamin' thing myself, but I guess the Bohemian lifestyle is lame enough for any country. "We don't hit children around here," one of the Brit-Hippies says to his brother-in-law. How very progressive of you, old chap! Too bad that hitting them may have saved your life. Or maybe it would have taken stabbing them. I'm just saying let's use some some sort of physical violence on the little bastards, and live!

Kill them all.

How can you just leave your wife, and I mean literally walk out on her, in the middle of such a whirlwind of terrifying kiddie carnage? "Stay here bitch, I'm pretty much done with you?" That's cold. Thankfully, karma is a mighty, mighty bitch.

In fact, I think that's karma all over that window...

This movie has plenty of child violence, both done by them and too them. Most of it is genuinely unsettling, especially if you love kids, so be warned. Luckily for us, we hate kids, so...

Advanced Time-Out.

No, but we do get a scantily clad MILF in lingerie, and a hot Goth Schoolgirl in a short skirt. So, cheers!

Totty.

"I told you he was a knob" or "I'm taking care of mother!"

Kids suck. Also, stay out of the European countryside... I've told you this before, people!

So that's actually her uncle. Yeah.

This was a well-crafted and genuinely terrifying movie, the remnants of which will stay with you long after you've finished watching. It's on Region 2 DVD now, but a U.S. Blu-ray/DVD release will happen soon enough. Either way, definitely see this one as soon as you can.

A

The Children is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, or VOD.

God do I ever love British women.