December 9, 2012

Review: Alex Cross (2012)
(aka Tyler Perry's First Funny Movie)
Release Date: Now showing at a Dollar Theater near you.
Country: USA
Written by: Marc Moss and Kerry Williamson.
Directed by: Rob Cohen. 
Starring: Tyler Perry, Matthew Fox, Rachel Nichols and Edward Burns.

"Don't ever cross Alex Cross!"

From the second I read that tag-line and saw that Tyler Perry was attached to the titular role, I knew this movie was going to be shit. I mean who came up with that clunky tag-line? The producer's son? Was it a make a wish project, where some dying kid got to make up the tag-line for a shitty, ill-conceived movie? I hope it was, because that would at least be an acceptable excuse.

"Don't shaft John Shaft!"
"Jack Reacher will reach you!"
"No one bans Bruce Banner!"

Yeah. That's Babytown Frolics right there.

And who in the world thought that Tyler Perry could actually pull of this role? The man is famous for dressing up like a woman and being nowhere near funny, so that makes him ready to take on a serious and nuanced role that was made famous by Morgan Freeman? Did the producers of this movie even read the books that Alex Cross is based on?

Doomed from the start, I say.

Tyler Perry doing his best Luis Guzaman stare.
Alex Cross is pretty much the black Sherlock Holmes. Seriously, the guy can look at a room full of stuff, think for a moment or two, and then be all like "There's a murder going on over on 4th street, we need to get there now!" Tyler Perry is a guy who keeps making unfunny movies that make tons of profit. Both of these men are wizards, apparently.

Are we honestly supposed to believe that Tyler Perry could actually hold all of his weight with four fingers? Right.
Every time Alex Cross talks, people around him nod their heads in solemn seriousness, because his words are obviously so brilliant and concise, that it makes people question their own souls. With a killer named Picasso (?!?) running around and killing people, Alex Cross's keen wit is needed now more than ever. We don't really see much of it at work here, but it is really, really needed.

Way to commit, Matthew Fox.
When the super-psycho and super-efficient Picasso begins killing people close to Alex Cross, he cries some manly tears for about four minutes, and then hits the streets with a shotgun, looking for some good old fashioned get-back. Gone are his trademark analytical skills that make him Alex Cross, and in their place we get some truly unconvincing ass-kicking!

You know what? Just move along folks.... there's nothing to see here. Really.

I wouldn't even run.
As dismal as this movie was to endure, there were a few good things about it.

Matthew Fox is pretty creepy and over the top here as the psycho Picasso, that Alex Cross is chasing. With a better script and a different guy playing Alex Cross, Fox would have been fun to watch. He actually plays a hell of a roll here, especially considering that he's not the best actor out there to begin with.

Cicely Tyson plays the sassy black mammy, Nana Mama, who won't stand for no disrespect! Who knew that at 104-years-old, she still had it in her. Good for her. We've always loved The Wiz.

Rachel Nichols is always a pleasure to watch, for many reasons. Mainly, her boobs and butt. She's a decent actress too, though.

Sassily Tyson still means business!
Aside from the pitiful script, the poor acting, the messy and contrived plot, and the overall general lack of care that went into the every aspect of making of this movie, there's one thing that stands out above all else as the movie's biggest fault:

Tyler Perry looks out of place without a wig.

There's really not one thing about Tyler Perry playing the role of Alex Cross that rings true. He is honestly one of the worst actors working today. He makes his bread and butter by doing simple-minded humor for simple-minded people, which is all well and good, but this movie is proof that he should stick to the drag routine.

From his trying to nurture a felonious girl named Pop Pop (lol), to spouting cheesy one liners like "Is this what you wanna die doin'? Drop the gun! Now!," the character and actor both come across and tired and untrue. We've seen it all before, and we've seen it done way better than Tyler Perry does it here.

A quick shout out to Edward Burns too, who as usual, showed up and read his lines in his own wooden, uninspired way. Way to be consistent.

Oh hey look, it's Rachel Nichols.
Isn't Alex Cross supposed to be a great investigator? Isn't the draw of his movies and books that we get to see how he figures things out, and take that journey of discovery along with him? Well, at one point in the movie, after looking at a crime scene for about 30 seconds, he deduces "This was one guy!" over and over again, but never gives an reasons why he arrived at that brilliant conclusion.

While talking about the killer, Ed Burns' character asks Alex Cross "He got a good look at us, think we'll end up on his list (to kill?)" Cross thinks for a second, shakes his head and says "Not his M.O."

While frantically trying to find Picasso, Ed Burns' character says to Alex Cross "Think like him, get inside his head, where would you be!" Alex Cross turns around and stares off past the camera and says "(on) a train!" Come on man. COME ON!!!!!!!

This script and everything in it was just Babytown Frolics. *Mad shout-out to Sterling Archer.

*For the record, Detroit has no "train" system moving through the city. What we see in the movie, in all of its 3-car glory, is the People Mover. Sure, it might technically be a train, but really all it does is drive around in a three mile circle. It's kinda like a wannabe train. We laugh at it a lot here.

Yep, that about sums up our feelings about Alex Cross.
Alex Cross is a poor, poor excuse for a Thriller, and especially one of the Alex Cross variety. The characters are as cliche' as the dialogue is bad, the plot is a crazy mess of hollow implausibility, and there's nothing here that even remotely engages the audience... in a good way. This movie might have been better had it starred Idris Elba as originally intended, but even he may not have been enough to elevate this awful script very high. Then again, maybe that's why he took a pass on starring in the movie to begin with.

This movie will go down in movie history as one of the worst of 2012. It might even contend for title of "The Worst."

Rachel Nichols is way too hot to be starring in this poopsicle, but still, we're glad for any chance we get to see her on screen.


  1. Thank you very much for proving me right to pass this one. When I saw the poster, I freaked out. Okay, we can let an actor younger than Morgan taking the lead BUT could we at least get an ACTOR?! Since this movie has been anounced, I'm afraid that people could imagine that this is the Alex Cross who made the books bestsellers. Man, in the books, Alex Cross is The Man, a better man among a bunch of other skilled men, is getting the hot chicks and I'm perfectly fine with it because he deserves it. Please, can we have another Alex Cross movie? Pretty please?

  2. Oh God, Myra, you're so lucky you gave this one a pass.

    And you just said it perfectly... replace Morgan? Fine, but with an actual ACTOR.

    I read a few of the Alex Cross books, and yeah he was the man. He was like a sexy, black version of Sherlock Holmes almost. This movie shit all over all of that.

    Idris Elba was originally attatched to play Alex Cross... now THAT would have been something to see.