February 25, 2009

#18- Bordello of Blood (1996)

Sub-Genre- Vampires.
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- Angie Everhart, Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon.

Dennis Miller plays a guy named Rape Guttman, who is hired by a hot virgin chick to find her missing asshole-brother. Using his skills of sarcasm and acerbic wit, he tracks him to a whorehouse where the whores just so happen to be Vampire whores. From there on out, he snarks his way in and out of trouble, and manages not to get laid, despite his location. He's probably scared that the Vampire whores will drain him of his blood, or something.

She just might be worth it.
Caught between the hot virgin, and the slutty evil Vampire queen (both of whom he'd like to aardvark), Rape does battle with an evil midget, and equally evil reverend, a gaggle of naked Vampire whores, and his overindulgent use of pop culture witticisms. Also, he has a laser gun that shoots crosses. True story.

Dennis Miller... action hero?
I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that it's a Tales from the Crypt movie, so you know it ends all "Dun-dun-dun!" style.... and with a cheesy outro by old Crypty himself! 

"Wait, this isn't Lost Boys 2?!?"
On many levels, this movie just isn't good; it's cheesy, poorly scripted, predictable, formulaic... but it's Tales From the Crypt, so that's to be expected. What it does do well, is make you shut your brain off for a while, and just have some fun with the whole thing. Boobs & Blood... that's about it really. Boobs and blood.   

The Cryptkeeper just rules. His lame jokes, creepy face, and penchant for blood are what made Tales a great show when it was on HBO. I guess he's one of those characters that you either love or hate though.

How can you not love this face?
Let's face it, the 90's kinda sucked for the horror genre. This is one of the better offerings from that decade, for better or for worse. Sad, I know.

Like most things associated with the name Tales From the Crypt, this one is heavy on the cheese and lame humor. After seeing Demon Knight, which was an awesome movie, this played more like an over-long TV episode.

Why were neither Angie Everhart or Erika Eleniak naked in this? Neither went on to do anything but crappy B-movie roles anyway, so why did they take the high road in this one? Integrity? Epic fail on this one ladies!  

Though more of the cheesy variety, this movie has a bunch of blood and gore. Of the cheesy variety.  

This movie has naked chicks galore! I mean come on, it's about Vampire whores... 

Not naked in this. Sigh.
"You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality." or "Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob."

The Cryptkeeper's jokes suck. Also, never trust reverends or midgets.Or Vampoire whores.

C  This is a fun, Vampire hooker-filled romp, that will make you laugh and keep you entertained for an hour and a half. After that though, you'll pretty much never think about it agaiin. It's worth a watch though.

Was there a hotter Redhead in the 90's than Angie Everhart? Also, Erika Eleniak isn't too shabby for a blond.

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